MetalSucks

Well, not really, of course.

The new front man for the (Tracii Guns version of the) band, previously identified only as a “blond,” is Marty Casey.

If you’ve never heard of Marty Casey, well, neither have I. Apparently he was a contestant on Rock Star: INXS*, which I imagine was only slightly less embarrassing than Rock Star: Supernova, if only because, unlike Jason Newstead, Tommy Lee and Gilby Clarke, no one ever had any actual respect for the guys in INXS.

In any case, at this point I imagine that anyone who still considers him or herself to be an L.A. Guns fan really doesn’t care who’s in the band, as long as the guitar player is named after some sort of weapon and they open with “Sex Action,” close with “Sex Action,” and play “Sex Action” somewhere in the middle.

Stay tuned for the announcement that Dilana is the new singer for Velvet Revolver.

-AR

*By the way, has anyone ever heard the story that INXS asked Mike Patton to replace Michael Hutchence, and he said he’d take the job if they’d let him wear a noose around his neck onstage? I have no idea if it’s a true story or not, but it’s HILARIOUS either way.

Here are the song titles for Motley Crue’s new album, Saints of Los Angeles:

01. Mother Fucker Of the Year
02. Down At The Whiskey
03. Saints of Los Angeles
04. Face Down In The Dirt
05. What’s It Gonna Take
06. Chicks = Trouble
07. White Trash Circus
08. The Animal In Me
09. Welcome To The Machine
10. This Ain’t A Love Song
11. Just Another Psycho

Well, in the words of Balki Bartokomou, “paint me green and call me Gumby,” because I don’t even have to make fun of this shit. Those song titles are already a total joke.

Aw, shucks, let’s give it a shot anyway.

Click to read more…

Preface: I am having one of those days.

I am sick and tired of celebrities pretending to be eco-friendly. It’s fucking bullshit, and these charades must stop. What’s sparked my ire today is an announcement that Tommy Lee and Ludacris will be teaming up for a new show on Discovery called “Battleground Earth” in which they compete against each other to see who can be the most “green.” The show “features the duo battling against the toxic forces destroying mother earth as they travel across the country on a 10-episode tour.”

For the love of god, put a fucking trap on it. “Green” is so trendy right now, but everyone just likes to talk and not do. Everyone and their mother is going around saying they’re green, but really it stops there — other than recycling the occasional beer bottle (or paying someone else to do it), there is no fucking way Tommy Lee or Ludacris actually a) give a shit about the environment in any more than an abstract way, or b) actually take the extra steps to practice what they preach.

Does Lee use eco-friendly lighhtbulbs? Recycle paper? Does Ludacris unplug his toaster when he isn’t using it, and, if it’s yellow does he let it mellow? These fuckers probably drink bottled water willy nilly and don’t think twice about it. They undoubtedly drive large SUVs everywhere they go.

Let’s just see this TV show as what it is; a fucking sham, designed to cash in on a trend and create the illusion of goodwill. Fuck this shit. Fuck it to hell. It’s an insult to those of us who actually make an effort to be environmentally conscious. I suppose it’s good that environmentalism is getting some exposure through celebrities, but this show just lampoons it by making it into a joke. Fuck off. Die. All of you.

First person to comment that environmentalism is gay / not metal a) gets banned, b) is fucking retarded.

-VN

 
So Blabbermouth reports that Motley Crue will make a “colossal announcement” in LA on April 15. As far this band is concerned, only two things could qualify as a “colossal announcement” as this point:

1. All four band members will commit suicide on live t.v.
2. The long awaited boxing match between Vince Neil and Axl Rose is finally happening.

More than likely, though, the band is just announcing another tour on which Vince Neil will be fat and winded, Tommy Lee will act like a moron, Nikki Sixx will discover the hard way that there are still STDs he hasn’t yet contracted, and Mick Mars will be unable to move.

-AR

I say we just put all four members of the Crue in a steel cage for a fight to the death, and the winner gets to be killed.

This is ridiculous, and honestly, I could give a flying fuck anymore. Like Metallica, this band has about as much of a chance of ever recording anything decent again as I do of having a three way with Christina Scabbia and Marta. Actually, I think I may have a better chance of making that three way happen, as I have drugs, booze, and, God willing someday money on my side.

Fuck these guys. Fuck them in the ear.

-AR