Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli to get in on today’s needless-listing fun…

Demon Hunter — 7
The World Is a Thorn
Solid State

Admittedly, I’m just singling these guys out. My dream version of Decibel = no Jesus bands under any circumstances. Mind you, that version also entails a Hall of Fame on Nine Inch Nails’ Broken EP, which would have included a sidebar about the long-form video’s cock torture, butt rape and sewage guzzling. If Peter Christopherson and Bob Flanagan weren’t dead, that is. Good thing I’m not in charge.

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One of the more fun parts of guesting on last night’s Metal Injection Livecast was towards the end of the show, when we somehow ended up listening to some acapella metal. What was really amazing was that, unlike Van Canto, none of it sucked – in fact, it was all pretty rockin’. And, no, none of it was from this dude.

The first group we checked out was Jud Jud, a straight-edge duo that actually started back in the 80s. They were really just two dudes singing out all the guitar parts for various generic metal riffs (their songs have titles like “Speed Picking Song,” “Harmonics Song,” etc.), but they’re pretty awesome. I can’t believe they weren’t high when they come up with the idea for this.

The second artist (can I call these people artists?) we checked out was Dokaka, who I actually wrote about back in 2007, but, y’know. I guess weed isn’t very good for the memory. Maybe I should be straight edge like Jud Jud. Naw, I’m just joshin’, I’d never do that.

ANYWAY, here’s Dokaka doing “Creeping Death.” It’s frickin’ sweet, even if it seems pretty clear that this dude is crazy.

-AR

I once declared the acepella metal group Van Canto to be the worst band in metal today, and while I suppose there might be some hyperbole in that statement, I stand by my assertion that they lick dog shit and like it. Why? Because they just take themselves so seriously, and are trying so hard, and seem so lame… like the nerdy kids in high school just trying so very hard to make the jocks think that acapella is cool. And believe you me, I’m not jock, but I know that acapella isn’t cool – and becomes even less so when you start making “metal” and/or American Idol contestant-esque hand movements, or make the decision that, say, rather than just sing the riff from “Battery,” you’re actually gonna sing the word “Battery” to the melody of the riff. Ugh.

But reader Chris Catharsis (which I suspect is not his real name) sent us a link to the below video of some dude named Dan-Elias Brevig doing an acapella version of Mesuggah’s “Bleed,” and while it ain’t goin’ on my iPod anytime soon, I still think it’s pretty sweet. For one thing, it’s just one dude who did all the parts by himself, which obviously takes a lot of talent. For another thing, there’s zero cheese factor or affectation here, and this guy gets that singing “Bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bl-bleed-bleed-bleed” would be terrible idea.

Watch the clip below and then feel free to try and defend Van Canto in the comments section – although you should be forewarned, I really can’t take any defense of Van Canto too seriously. ‘Cause they’re awful.

-AR

Axl may think a cappella “metallers” Van Canto are the worst thing to happen to metal since EVER, but I happen to think they’re worthy of at least a chuckle. I mean, think about what must go on at their rehearsals and songwriting sessions… I’d love to be a fly on a wall at one of those and just laugh my ass off at the hilarious sounds emanating from these Germans’ mouths as they try to construct songs.

But here’s something even funnier. Suckalo MBraids sent us a link to the video for Van Canto’s song “Lost Forever” which has, wait for it… an a cappella breakdown. It must be seen to be believed. Fast forward to the 2:50 mark to see the ridiculousness in action. Then stick with it for the “guitar” solo, which I have to say is pretty fucking nifty (even if the guy is using tons of effects on his voice)… I do this regularly during guitar solos at karaoke, only I’m not as good.

-VN

[Thanks: MBraids]

Ahhhh. I live for days like this.

Van Canto, who I declared earlier this year to be the worst band in metal today, have released a new video for the song “Speed of Light.”

I tell ya, I was in kind of a shit mood when I woke up today, but laughter really is the best medicine, doncha think?

-AR

Okay okay okay, a HUGE pat on the back to MetalSucks reader Thomas C. Wills, who wrote Vince and I to ask us why we’d never covered Van Canto, band that, in the words of Mr. Wills, “make Atreyu look like Watain.” In other words: they’re fucking weak, dude.

See, Van Canto violate what we here at MetalSucks feel is the single unbreakable rule of metal: your music has to have, y’know, instruments. But the band’s website (which I absolutely refuse to link to, discuss, or ever even look at again) describes them thusly: “Five singers, one drummer. No guitars, no bass, no keyboards but nevertheless an unbelievable melodic metal experience.” Which is, of course, the douche baggiest self-description ever written by anyone who’s not a chick on J Date.

Seriously: it’s one thing to do an Iron Maiden song or something as a joke in your college glee club – I mean, you shouldn’t do that, or even be in a college glee club, but I guess if you were it would be excusable – and maybe it would even be cool if these people seemed, y’know, cool, or at least deliberately funny; but they don’t. These people are fucking DORKS, dude, in no small part because they take their shitty little “melodic metal experience” wwwaaaayyyy too fucking seriously (they’re German, so, uh, big shock). I bet these guys all got beaten up in high school, and, no joke, they deserve to be beaten up now.

Do we think they’re all fucking that one girl in the group? I can’t imagine anyone else would fuck them. This is SO FUCKING LAME I don’t even know where to begin. Here’s the video for “The Mission.”

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/6F9aJuHJE80" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Jesus Christ, I just threw up in my own mouth a little bit.

-AR