MetalSucks

In no particular order…

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If I had a biological clock, I’d worry that’s it’s ticking. Because this is my second story about little kids today.

Reign in Blonde has made the awesome discovery of Jonah Rocks, who is a) the only four year old I’ve ever seen that can play the drums, and b) the only four year old I’m aware of that already has a stage name. He also seems to have an endorsement deal with Vic Firth. Holy poop.

For reasons that are totally beyond me, the videos of this lil’ tyke rockin’ out are not embeddable, but if you go here, you can watch Jonah play “Harvester of Sorrow” with more skill and passion than Lars Ulrich has displayed in years.

After the jump are some more links to Jonah playing. Some of these videos were made when he was only three years old!!!

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So, as previously announced, Eddie Van Halen was on Two and a Half Men last night. At least, that’s what Allyson at Bring Back Glam tells me. I missed it, because I was watching Gojira. And because I love myself.

But Allyson has the cameo clip, which is below. It’s as cheesy as you’d expect.

So… I guess the question is, would you use the shitter right after EVH warned you that you might wanna wait a beat? Would the smell of his poo floating into your nostrils disgust you, or are you such a sycophant that you’d think “Yeah! Eddie’s poo molecules will now forever be a part of me. History and I have finally intertwined.”

These are the kinds of things I think about.

-AR

I’m not actually anti-Guitar Hero/rhythm games the way some people are, and this is only sorta kinda related to metal, but this satirical look into the making of Guitar Hero: The Beatles (not a real game, obviously) is too funny not to share.

-AR

[via CHUD]

I just saw this dude out on the street:

It is one thing to like Sammy Hagar. It is another thing to wear his shirt when you’re clearly going out of your way to look like Sammy Hagar.

Just sayin’.

-AR

There’s something reassuring about knowing that people one sometimes considers cooler than him or herself were not, in fact, always so cool.

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At the risk of sounding disrespectful: we cannot look at Michael Jackson through rose-colored glasses just because of his untimely passing. The dude was, to put it mildly, a weirdo, and probably very, very crazy. And the fact that he is now dead does not change that fact.

That being said, back when the guy was slightly less crazy (or, at least, the general public was less aware of his craziness), there’s no denying that he was major talent who had a huge impact on music. Denying this fact because of his later follies is just foolish. And even though I’ve been listening to metal since before I had pubes, I freely admit that I owned a copy of Thriller long before I owned a copy of Reign in Blood.

Jackson apparently had some kind of affinity for hard rock guitarists, or, at least, had someone in his camp who did. Besides employing Jennifer Batten for years, Jackson worked with Eddie Van Halen (”Beat It”), Slash (”Give in to Me”), and Steve Stevens (”Smooth Criminal”).

For the usual dumb reasons, none of the videos for these collaborations are embeddable, but you can easily find them on the net. In the meantime, here’s Jacko and Slash:

On a more cynical note, except at least one, if not more, of these guitarists to start exploiting their relationship with Jackson for publicity any second now.

-AR

So, Chickenfoot released a new video last week. Chickenfoot of Hagar, Anthony, Satriani and Smith fame. Chickenfoot of selling over 49,000 albums (!!) during their album’s first week on the charts fame. Chickenfoot, recipients of a collective MetalSucks Haterade Mafia shrug. The video is basically just a collection of candid, studio, live performance and “goofing around” shots, which given the band’s makeup and selling points makes a whole lot of sense. And the fact that it’s so low budget is kind of refreshing, playing down the celebrity status of the band’s members. The perfect video for a ho-hum but serviceable rock song.

In other news, Eddie Van Halen is probably still saying Michael Anthony quit Van Halen and Michael Anthony is probably still saying he was kicked out. Same shit different day.

-VN

One of the most disappointing aspects of Guitar Hero: Metallica was that you have to play with nu-’Tallica, not the Burton or even Newstead-era band we all know and love (I’m told older versions of the Four Horsemen are available as “unlockable content,” but there’s only so many hours in the day and these snarky blogs ain’t gonna write themselves.). That being said, at least the makers had the good taste to not pretend that Robert Trujillo was in the band when they recorded Master of Puppets.

Now comes this 56-second bootleg clip of Guitar Hero: Van Halen, taken at recent nerd fest videogame convention E3. At first I was like “Sweet! Look, it’s DLR and EVH when they had long hair! CLASSIC HALEN ROOLZ!!!!”

And then I saw Fatty Ding Dongs Van Halen. Who not only wasn’t in the band during the early days of VH, he wasn’t even, y’know, FUCKING BORN YET. This like when the band tried to replace their cover art photos of Anthony with ones of Fatty Ding Dongs; even Axl Rose isn’t a big enough douche vag to try and completely re-write history. Bogus. Fucking bogus.

That all of this comes in the midst of EVH claiming and Michael Anthony denying that Anthony actually quit the band, and, well, it’s enough to make you wanna listen to fucking Chickenfoot. Christ.

-AR

So obviously the fact that there’s a Spanish version of David Lee Roth singing “Yankee Rose” is completely old news (to the tune of, oh, about 25 years), but is this shit not *still* completely hysterical or what?? I giggle on the inside just thinking about it.

David Lee Roth – “Yankee Rose” (Spanish)

Check out the DLR soundboard and DLR Ass-teroidz game for more endless bored-at-work entertainment.

Sonrisa Salvaje!

-VN

This, MetalSucks Maniacs and Maniacettes, is the very definition of metal. I was SO this kid when I was 10, except it was Van Halen instead of AC/DC, and minus 100 pounds, give or take.

-VN

It’s a simple, yet controversial question. Vote below, then tell us why in the comments.

First person to say “Gary Cherone” gets banned.

n

So. Unless you live under a rock, chances are you’re aware that the movie adaptation of Watchmen opens tomorrow. The reviews are decidedly mixed and I’m still not convinced it won’t suck, but it’s already apparently making a ton of bank in ticket pre-sales, so, uh, yeah, people wanna see this bitch I guess.

Anyways, this week iTunes had some members of the cast do their celebrity playlist thing. A few actors chose a few metal songs – Patrick Wilson (who plays “Nite Owl II”) has some Van Halen and Extreme songs, Malin Akerman (”Silk Spectre II”) has some Nine Inch Nails, Jeffery Dean Morgan (”The Comedian”) was apparently pals with Layne Staley and included “Rooster” in his mix, etc.

But Jackie Earle Haley – the Oscar nominated actor playing the ultimate right wing sociopathic fascistic badass, Rorschach – created a list that is almost entirely comprised of metal.

Terrible metal.

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If you haven’t heard about the laughing stock that is Microsoft Songsmith by now you’re either dead, completely tuned out, or my grandma. In a nutshell, Songsmith is a new computer program released by Microsoft that automatically creates cheesy sounding, karaoke-style backing music to whatever you sing into it. It’s the modern-day version of those cheesy ’80s Casio keyboards that played a beat and chord progression whenever you hit a new note, only for your voice. But here’s the catch: it’s a complete piece of shit. Since its release a couple of weeks back, the Webernets have exploded with Songsmith-ed versions of famous songs, featuring publicly available a cappella tracks piped into this disaster of a computer program. And the results are simply marvelous and endlessly entertaining.

After the jump, a look at some of the tastiest Songsmith creations based on songs by your metal faves.

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If you were as endlessly entertained by the David Lee Roth soundboard as we were, then be prepared to say goodbye to productivity for the rest of your day thanks to the Diamond Dave Edition of Assteroidz [via MS reader Bill W., metalgf, Idolator and a million other sites]. In this Jumpilicious version of the classic video game, pilot a mid-split David Lee Roth as he attempts to fend off malicious Sammy Hagar and Eddie heads, VH logos and giant hamburgers.

-VN

Inarguably one of the greatest, most influential, and most ripped-off guitar players of all time, the deity we know as “Eddie Van Halen” turns 54 (!) today. Yes, some of his latter day career choices have been kind of mind boggling (in a bad way), but anyone who saw him on VH’s most recent tour knows he’s still the fuckin’ man.

So here’s to Eddie! And here’s a clip of him erupting back in’83:

-AR

God bless Tyser, whoever the fuck Tyser is.

Check it out here. The less you know about it in advance the better.

-AR

… here’s a fan-filmed live video with surprisingly decent sound quality [sent in by MS Maniac Damotello] of DEP covering Van Halen’s “Hot For Teacher” at this past summer’s Warped Tour. Watch as the band tears it up — especially guitarist Jeff Tuttle’s near-perfect rendition of EVH’s guitar shred — and the song’s significance is completely lost on the mostly teenage audience, despite the many false cheers that erupt when Greg Puciato mockingly asks how many people know the song.

-VN

Only, not really.

Lest there was any doubt that Diamond Dave and the Super Van Halen Bros. kissed and made up for the love of the Benjamins, the 2008 tour rider unearthed by The Smoking Gun proves otherwise.

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My first Fuck Rolling Stone post on metal singers was such a hit I thought I’d dig back into the RS archives and stir up some more shit. So, I decided to re-read their summertime list of the 100 Greatest Guitarists of All Time (also here).

Thankfully, there are a few metallic (but mostly rockish) noteworthy icons; however, extreme metal is woefully ignored. Nonetheless, the list did include Jimi Hendrix (#1), Jimmy Page (#9), Kirk Hammett (#11), Kurt Cobain (#12), Johnny Ramone (#16), Tom Morello (#26), Thurston Moore/Lee Ranaldo (Sonic Youth) (#33/#34), Joe Perry (#48), Ritchie Blackmore (#55), Vernon Reid (#66), Eddie Van Halen (#70), Adam Jones (Tool) (#75), D. Boon (The Minutemen) (#89), Glen Buxton (Alice Cooper) (#90), Wayne Kramer/Fred “Sonic” Smith (MC5) (#92/#93), Kevin Shields (My Bloody Valentine) (#95), Angus Young (#96), Leigh Stephens (Blue Cheer) (#98), Greg Ginn (Black Flag) (#99), and Kim Thayil (Soundgarden) (#100).

And, yet another reason why we here at the MetalSucks Mansion like to say “Fuck Rolling Stone!” — coming in at #86, TOMMY Iommi…yes, “TOMMY.” How the fuck do you not know the first name of one of the true legends of not only metal, but of rock guitars? Hmmmmmmmm….Please, clue me in.

IT’S TONY, YOU FUCKS!!!

Anyway, here is my stab at the best Metal Guitarists of All Time — and for a point of reference, my Old Fartness will be shining through here, as will my love for rhythm guitarists:

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