Making fun of juggalos is passe at this point; been there, done that, 100 times over, and everyone gets the point. But posting the annual infomercial Psychopathic Records puts out to promote the Gathering of the Juggalos is something of a ritual, always good for a few lulz, and possibly even entertaining.

Once you get through the so-uncool-at-this-point-that-maybe-it’s-cool-again Star Wars-style intro, you’ll discover that Vanilla Ice has sunken to an even lower low and is now a juggalo. In addition to the usual assortment of interchangeable clown-faced rappers, this year’s lineup also brings a whole new set of artists scraping the bottom of the barrel that’s become their career: CKY, Dope, Saliva, Vanilla Ice (obvs), Xzibit, Kittie and M.C. Hammer. In the “Are you sure you really want to stoop so low?” department we have Ice Cube, George Clinton and the P-Funk All Stars and Busta Rhymes, who all must be getting hella paid. And last but not least, the comedy stage will feature Brian Posehn and classic wrestlers Iron Sheik and Rowdy Roddy Piper (zuh?).

Should be an interesting one. Perhaps an MS reader braver than us can go on an anthropological mission on August 11-14. I already had the juggalo experience of a lifetime, and I think that’s enough for me.

-VN

Oh my fuck, you guys, IT IS 71 DEGREES OUTSIDE. I was gonna stay home and watch Vanilla Ice’s underrated cinemetallic classic, Cool as Ice, but instead I am getting stoned and going for a long, long walk in the sun. Quickly, before I ditch you losers to actually enjoy life, here’s what we did this week:

• God Forbid’s Doc Coyle weighed-in on Sergeant D.’s “band life is for losers” theory.
• We broke the news that hardcore supergroup S.O.S. has signed with Good Fightand got an exclusive report on the status of He is Legend from the band’s manager.
• We debuted new music by Napalm Death (thanks, Decibel!), The Haunted and Clutch.
• We said cel-lo to Grayceon’s Jackie Perez Gratz and got the skinny on the new Today is the Day album from drummer Curran Reynolds.
• We checked out the latest release from Total Fucking Destruction.
• We wondered if women make better metal singers than men.
• We examined the Kid Rock-Confederate flag controversy.
• We watched the worst video of 2011 so far.
• Dummy Nosenothing listened to the new Meshuggah song and then chased an ice cream truck.
• WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK…

Alright, I’m gonna go have some ice cream! ICE CREAM! YYYYAAAAAYYYYY!!!

-AR

There are a lot of metal and metal-related movies out there. There are classics like This is Spinal Tap, which I’ve introduced to countless people, all of whom eventually admitted to loving it. And of course, every metalhead worth his or her Woolite Dark knows the answer to the question “Who’d win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?” Detroit Rock City is one of my favorite movies, which is a little odd, because I don’t particularly like KISS, although I do enjoy fire and explosions. And no account of metal movies would be complete without the celluoid genocide that was Rockstar. No matter how god-awful that movie was (though it’s still one of my top “bad” movies to watch), every single person in the civilized world knows the words to “Stand Up and Shout” — and I don’t mean the Dio song. They play it at my alma mater’s hockey games.

And on top of those films, there are the documentary explorations of the genre, which gave us such memorable moments like Chris Holmes from W.A.S.P. chugging vodka in a pool while is mom watches miserably in Decline of Western Civilization Part II.

I am here to add another illustrious title to this collection of cinemetal classics. I will show you exactly how Cool As Ice is a metal movie, and not a rap one, as everyone assumes. And I have various degrees in film, so you know my word is truth.

Click to read more…

When I am not trolling simple-minded, entry-level elitists, I enjoy the soothing, dulcet tones of some classic thrash or death metal. I am definitely not any kind of metal encyclopedia or authority on the subject, but I have realized that (sadly) I’m old enough to have heard a few bands that many younger metal fans have not, just because I have been exposed to a lot of bands over the years — sort of like an ancient desert tortoise who is not a historian, but has seen history unfold before his eyes simply because he is old as fuck. Because I enjoy giving back to my community, I will share some of my favorite older bands in case any of you might like them. If you want to hate on me, that’s OK, too, so feel free to tell me I’m a poser, that everybody already knows about these bands, that I got some trivial detail wrong, or whatever else you think makes you “sound like u rly know what ur talking about.”

Click to read more…

When Randy Blythe was nineteen years old and Jamey Jasta was thirteen years old, a really silly white dude who is named Rob Van Winkle but insisted on calling himself “Vanilla Ice” released a song entitled “Ice Ice Baby,” which was a huge megahit. There can be no doubt that Blythe and Jasta were aware of the song’s existence, for such was its prevalence in pop culture. Of course, we have no way of knowing what these someday-modern metal legends thought of the track, but I think we can reasonably assume that at no point did the thought “Someday Vanilla Ice will come see me perform and we will hang out backstage after the show” cross their respective minds.

And yet, this:

Click to read more…

Thanks to MS Maniac Aaron M. for pointing out the hilariousness that is ensuing over at Ross Robinson’s Twitter account re: the new Korn record. Yeah, Robinson is producing the new Korn record — somehow I missed that too.

I have somewhat of a difficult relationship with Ross Robinson. On one hand he produced one of the bestest albums ever in the form of At the Drive-In’s Relationship of Command, and he also produced landmark albums by Glassjaw and Slipknot. On the other hand he produced way more albums that are just all sorts of terrible — records by Limp Bizkit (this in and of itself is a crime worthy of corporal punishment), Korn, Cold, Soulfly, Machine Head’s cringe-worthy rap-metal phase, and Vanille Ice’s nu-metal “comeback” record. As a producer who was definitely pigeonholed into a genre (rightly or wrongly), unsurprisingly Robinson hasn’t had a whole lot of work lately.

But he sure got a nice money gig for the new Korn joint. And he’s all sorts of excited about it! Here we go:

Korn, Day one: pikt out drums/cartage broke wheel of my 24 trk tape mchn/fairchild on cymb/made catbox/knee wnt out of socket-kicks ass12:01 AM Aug 6th

Click to read more…

When Oxbow first released its debut album Fuckfest back in 1990, most of you were listening to Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer (Lord knows I sure was!). So it’s almost forgivable nearly 20 years later if you still haven’t heard this cathartic, manic, and, yes, bluesy noise rock record. Thankfully, the dudes at Hydra Head Records will give us all a chance to redeem ourselves when they rerelease this filthy beast on September 15. I got my first crack at Fuckfest this morning, and it’s even better than I had expected, from the twisted classic rock of “30 Miles” to the sprawling cacophonous discord of “Hunger”.

Oxbow doesn’t seem to like updating its official website very much, but fortunately the band has a more active Twitter account packed with rumors (what’s this about a tour with Shrinebuiler and Dillinger Escape Plan?), new album updates, and UK dates for November. West Coasters may want to get themselves over to San Francisco this month, where the band will play two shows (August 20 at The Eagle; August 31 at The Victoria Theater).

-GS

[Gary Suarez sings songs for the French. He usually manages the consistently off-topic No Yoko No. Say, why don't you follow him on Twitter?]

What the fucking fuck are these fucking Behind the Player DVDs? It seems like Blabbermouth posts a new story about them every hour on the hour. As far as I can tell, they’re just the same bullshit instructional videos that musicians have been releasing for years and that .001% of the population actually buys. Marketing-wise, I can’t tell if it’s a good idea or a terrible idea to launch the series by releasing new DVDs with Duff McKagan, Munky, Fieldy, John 5, Paul Gray, Blasko, Tommy Clufetos, Shannon Larkin, Mike Inez, Ringo Starr, Max Weinberg, The Captain and Tennille, Vanilla Ice, Tupac Shakur, Frankenstein’s Monster, Elliot Gould, Murderface, Bob Loblaw, Dick Cavett, Joey Fatone, and Rerun from Good Times all at once. But it’s happening.

In any case, we haven’t received a single press release about these DVDs here at the MetalSucks Mansion. So whomever is sending out said press releases obviously isn’t cool.

-AR