MetalSucks

Last week one of you accused us of being a “bunch of negative miserable fucks.” I can only assume that this person had never been to this site before, and was somehow unaware that it’s called “MetalSucks.”

Still, this was probably the best worst week ever, because:

• Devin Townsend took over our site for a day!
• We finally got around to making MetalSucks t-shirts and hoodies!
• Vince interviewed Between the Buried and Me’s Dan Briggs for the third time in as many years!
• There’s gonna be a new Pig Destroyer album in 2010!
• There’s a new Sigh song!
• Varg Vikernes came out of the closet!

So, see? LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

In conclusion:

Have a good weekend.

-AR

And on that note, I’m done for the day. See ya tomorrow.

-AR

They call that beard a “cum catcher.”

So Varg Vikernes was released from prison earlier in ‘09 after serving a sixteen year stint for murdering his band mate, Øystein Aarseth, AKA “Euronymous.” If episodes of Oz, and just about every other television show, movie, or book ever made about life in prison, are to be believed, than we can safely assume that during that time he had sex with men. Whether he was a top or a bottom is not relevant, despite what some redneck asswipes would have you believe; engaging in sexual activities with a member of your own sex is, by its very definition, homosexual.

I think Varg really enjoyed doin’ the deed with dudes – I mean, look how happy he is in that picture! – but I guess his religious guilt (because, let’s be real, he can protest Christianity all he wants, but all anti-homosexual sentiment is based in organized religion) must be getting the best of him, because he’s just released the following statement about the new Burzum album, subtlely titled Den Hvite Guden, which means – wait for it – The White God:

Click to read more…

Metal Legacies is an ongoing memorial to extreme music pioneers who kicked the proverbial bucket way too soon.

Try and pin down a description of Øystein Aarseth, AKA “Euronymous,” of Norwegian black metal stalwarts Mayhem and you are likely to contract a new disease called “Renaissance Listophobia.” Guitarist and founder of what many argue is the pinnacle black metal act, Aarseth wore more hats in his 25 years than most people do in a lifetime: guitarist, record store owner, record label owner, brain eater, God of extreme metal, extreme dickhead, theistic Satanist, dead friend corpse photographer, teddy bear, gay pro-Communist, lethargic anarchist — he’s been called it all.

One hat he did not wear, however, was that of ”knife deflector.”

Click to read more…

So. Blabbermouth tells me that a) they are adapting the entertaining book Lords of Chaos, about the history of black metal, into a movie, and b) some kid I’ve never heard of, Jackson Rathbone, is going to play Varg Vikernes. And people are apparently really, really upset about this bit of casting, either because Rathbone is a “teen hearthrob” who was in Twilight (or How Stupid Mormon Vampire Books for Little Kids Taught me to Save Myself for Marriage), or because he’s prettier than most girls you see at a metal show and they don’t know how to deal with that tingly feeling in their penis.

Click to read more…

You bitched and moaned about daylight savings time, even though you were asleep when the clocks changed and you get an extra hour of daylight every day until November. You are all retards.

Here’s what else happened this week:

• Sigh’s Mirai Kawashima gave us another studio report (no naked Dr. Mikannibal pics, sorry), Early Man’s Mike Conte got his cheesesteak on, and Neuraxis’ Alexandre Leblanc gave us his final tour blog.
• We spoke with Darkane’s Christofer Malmstrom, Meshuggah’s Marten Hagstrom, Soilwork’s Peter Wichers and Ross the Boss (ex-Manowar)
• Our man-crush on Trent Reznor grew ever greater.
• You argued over who was the most important member of Metallica, past and present.
• We looked at new releases by Razor of Occam and Karl Sanders.
• It was a big week in the Norwegian courts… the Gorgoroth case was settled, and Varg was granted parole.
• Crazytown and Skunk Anansie are getting back together.

Next week Kip and I take off for Austin, TX on Wednesday. We’ll be live-blogging whenever possible. To everyone else, have fun not being there, suckazzz!!

-VN

Top ten things for Varg Vikernes to do once he’s been released from prison after sixteen years:

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