You thought that Sergeant D.’s line of Burzum clothing was all some bullshit joke? Well think again: the Sarge himself e-mailed us this photo he found on Tumblr of a nice young lady making her daddy proud by modeling this Burzum skirt. And the pic is already a million times better than any Burzum album (although we hear that the skirt, too, hates Jews).

Hopefully her next pics will feature her modeling the Burzum yoga pants or, better still, the Burzum thong.

-AR

Man, I really, really hope that some day, some Korean animators see fit to make a short about MetalSucks. And that it is one-eighth as awesome as the above video.

ANYWAY, here’s how we kept ourselves entertained this week:

• We debuted new music by Revocation, White Arms of Athena, Goreaphobia, and Sixx A.M.
• We did not debut, but got really excited about, new music from Mastodon and Opeth.
• Unearth’s Ken Susi and Dethklok’s Brendon Small told us all about their live rigs. BONUS: Brendon Small also gave us the skinny on his new solo album!
• We spoke to All Shall Perish’s Fracesco Artusato and Kaoru and Die from Dir En Grey.
• We checked out the latest releases from All Pigs Must Die and Axel Rudi Pell.
• We were easily able to come up with twenty-five things we’d rather do than listen to the new Five Finger Death Punch song.
• We tried to figure out which label will snag Gojira.
• Gary Suarez urged metalheads to cut the shit and stop supporting Burzum.
• Sergeant D. wondered if breakdowns are the new guitar solos.
• Corey Mitchell discussed his ten favorite albums of the year thus far.

1) Be nicer to Sebastian Bach
2) Compare penis sizes with Tommy Lee
3) Hire Phil LaBonte as a vocal coach
4) Hire Billy Milano as a personal trainer
5) Hire Tripp Eisen as a baby sitter
6) Sleep with present-day Tawny Kitaen
7) Help Danzig clean up his motherfucking bricks, bitch
8) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about politics
9) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about romance
10) Listen to Ted Nugent talk about Ted Nugent

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Nobody should have been surprised. Varg Vikernes’ odious, conspiratorial, anti-Semitic commentary on the Norway tragedy is just the latest statement of ignorance from the man behind black metal’s most infamous project, Burzum. You’re welcome to read it if you’re into swastikas or crackpot theories for the tinfoil hat set. Your time would be better spent watching dubstep remixes of Charlie Sheen interviews on YouTube.

Interest in Vikernes’ music appears to have spiked in the wake of his 2009 release from prison, having served twenty-one years for arson and murder. A new Burzum record emerged in 2010, and another one followed just this past March. Music journalists have leapt at the opportunity to interview Vikernes, with print venues like Decibel giving the man the cover treatment and inducting his Filosofem LP into its “Hall Of Fame.” I’ve sat dumbstruck at the fawning softball questions posed to him by writers for outlets like Guitar World, Invisible Oranges, and, much to my chagrin, this very site. (Full disclosure: The interviewer on that last one is a personal friend.)

Why do metalheads choose to support Vikernes?

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I’m at the point where I pretty much prefer animated movies to live-action ones. I passed up some big deal, hotshot movie that came out recently, whose name I don’t even remember, to see Rango. I’m usually a pretty good judge, too, because I knew Rango was going to be awesome ,and it was. It looks absolutely amazing, and if you’re a nerd for animation detail, the gross, crusty animals will thrill you. Not to mention the classic movie references from Chinatown to Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. It’s also damn violent for a “kids movie.” And well, I’m a movie nerd with a deep love for filmic violence. My dad didn’t have any sons, ok? He raised me to love his Fab Four; Arnold, Bruce, Sylvester, and Jean-Claude. And Dolph, on days he felt generous.

This might be odd, but I always liked to think about what various characters’ personalities would be like. Down to their music and movie taste. I especially try to pick out the metalheads, because I want to find my animated brothers and sisters in arms. It was while musing on the subject on Twitter that I found out the talented Ms. Elise over at Reign in Blonde kind of does the same thing. Apparently, all my acquaintances are online these days. She actually compiled a list of the most metal Disney characters, and with her help, I’ve expanded the list. Here are the Ten Most Likely Metalheads in Animated Movies (excluding anime and other international releases, as the author has not done enough research on the subject.)

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Before there were blogs there were these things called magazines, and the only metal magazine we still get excited about reading every month is Decibel. Here’s managing editor Andrew Bonazelli…

From Roman Polanski to Eminem to a billion pricks before and after, the argument of an artist’s personal merit versus the merit of his or her art will never go away. Varg Vikernes is the rarest of political footballs in our subculture, a man whose misguided ideology and criminal history balance precariously against an almost universally renowned discography. It was a big deal when we put his bushy raised eyebrow on the cover of the May 2010 issue — some metal outlets avoided reviewing or featuring Belus entirely, some bloggers dubbed us racist. (A magazine with two Italian editors — how could they say such a thing?) The reality is, like it or not, Vikernes and his dynamic interpretation of black metal are of historical importance then and now. There was nothing sensationalist about the cover story or our ensuing reporting. And as for spiking newsstand sales, well, let’s just say that Varg’s no Phil Anselmo. Shit, the thing barely outsold the Deftones issue (clearly the highlight of my tenure at this job).

In May, we formally induct Burzum’s Filosofem to the dB Hall of Fame. You may recall it appearing in our Black Metal Hall of Fame Special Issue, but it’s absolutely worthy of the main wing. This was the last full-length he recorded before his 15-year stay in the pokey, released in 1996. Naturally, Varg himself regards it as a failed “experiment,” with only the iconic eponymous leadoff track and a few successors meeting his standards. Judge for yourself.

And if you think this is all bullshit and just want to laugh at funny-looking old dudes, the cover story should more than suffice.

-AB

You can buy the May 2011 issue of Decibel here, or get a full subscription to ensure you never miss a Decibel Hall of Fame, or of those awesome flexi discs!

Hey studs and foxes, Anso here. Please accept my most gracious hugz in return for partying with me these last two days. Running this site in the absence of Axl and Vince has been so superfun thanks to you, our cherished MetalSucks readership. I learned a lot of stuff too, for example that I should hereby refrain from “ass fucking [my] boyfriends cock” [sic]. K I’ll work on that while you all re-live some hilarious, informative, and sexy moments from this week:

• We debuted new music by Maruta.
• We spoke to Rob Arnold from Chimaira/Six Feet Under/The Elite, Jack Strong from The Acacia Strain, Varg Vikernes of Burzum, and Takis Kinis from prog-thrash legends Realm.
• We checked out the latest releases from DevilDriver and Wino. Plus, hot hardcore 7″s and all the stuff that Corey Mitchell rocked in February.
• We reveled in official confirmation of the System of a Down tour story we broke ahead of everybody.
• We proffered scientific evidence that to be in a band is a poor life decision.
• We were wowed by Evan Brewer, player of two basses!
• We peeped Devin Townsend’s nod to Sinatra and incredible new jams from Scale The Summit, Between The Buried And Me, Graviton, and All Shall Perish.
• We cheered Taylor Momsen and her desire to “fuck for Satan.”
• We met the new Dragonforce singer. It’s not Corey Taylor.
• We took a stand against D.R.U.G.S.

You’ll have a couple days to de-Anso yourselves, but please do rush right back to MetalSucks on Monday for more hot action when the bosses return from muling heroin in from Ecuador their business trip and we resume our regularly-scheduled action. You may now put your pants back on!

-ADF

When word spread that Burzum only-man Varg Vikernes was doing a limited number of interviews — via email only — to support his latest work Fallen (out on March 7th), we knew we couldn’t pass up the opportunity. “Grim” Kim Kelly took charge and put together a batch of thoughtful questions about Burzum’s legacy, the lyrical and musical themes of Fallen, the current black metal scene, Varg’s relationship with classical music and more. Vikernes’ answers are, well… you’ll have to read them to find out.

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Apologies for the blatant self-promotion, but I think this is something MS readers will actually be stoked on: I am starting a BURZUM clothing line! It’s been a crazy six months or so of negotiating with Varg’s people, designing the product, coordinating with all our vendors in Asia (did you know they take Chinese New Year off for like two entire weeks?!), but we are only a few months away from launch! The clothing line will be available this spring at Hot Topic, Spencer’s Gifts, and Journeys, but we wanted to give you a sneak preview of some of the most exciting SKUs.

Think of it as somewhat of a re-imagining of the BURZUM brand — a fresh update that makes the brand relevant to the new generation of consumers. With metal more popular than ever, and bands like Suiside Silence and Bring Me The Horizon moving massive quantities of merch, we figured that it was time to for BURZUM to get the recognition they deserve for all the amazing music (and ideas) they’ve produced over the years. We’d like to think that these items breathe new life into the brand, while never losing sight of the brand’s heritage. But enough about us — check out this exclusive sneak preview and let us know what you think!

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So remember this past summer, when Vince Neil — who has literally killed and maimed people while drunk driving — was arrested in Vegas for DUI, and then subsequently flaunted his love and of boozin’ n’ cruisin’ not once but twice? Well, the Long Arm of the Law is not just gonna let this shit pass. No no no, assholes like Vince Neil need to be taught a lesson, even if they are famous. And so Vince is being handed a punishment only slightly more severe than the one I received when my parents found my cigarettes in the tenth grade. From Metal Insider:

“Neil will plead guilty to the DUI on January 26, and then will turn himself over to Clark County Detention Center in Las Vegas on February 15, where he will spend the next 15 days in. Following that, he will serve another 15 days under house arrest.”

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There are basically three things I care about in this world: fighting, metal, and video games. And of those three, it’s video games that I REALLY care about. I’m not talking about Halo, GTA, Call of Duty, and whatever else your little cousin plays. I’m into some really embarrassing, truly hardcore nerd shit — if names like Darius, Fire Emblem, TwinBee, Tactics Ogre, Front Mission, Parodius, Super Robot Taisen, and Famicom Disk System mean anything to you, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. 1997′s Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (for Playstation) is not only one of my favorite Metroidvania games, but has an incredible soundtrack that combines the best of J-rock, cheesy gothic metal, a dash of techno, and symphonic classical/baroque. Think of it as what Type O Negative might sound like if they were all weird computer programmers from Japan instead of metalheads from Brooklyn.

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So our broskis over at Metal Injection came across this Norwegian website, which is selling candles shaped like a church so that you can, according to the product description, “burn your own stave without getting up from the couch.” Because I don’t know about you guys, but that’s really the only reason I’ve never burned a church down — it’s just so much effort to go out, get the gasoline, douse the church, light the fire, etc.

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

With seemingly every band in the world now less-than-hesitant to replace a departed member, no matter how seemingly important that member was to the band’s success, this week we asked our writers:

IS THERE ANY STILL-ACTIVE METAL BAND THAT COULD NOT AFFORD TO LOSE A SINGLE MEMBER OF ITS LINE-UP?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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As far as I can tell, intellectual racist types just love to lure accommodating non-idiots into passionate arguments. Forever citing research both arcane and mainstream, these misguided lunkheads are awesome at wearing down the most patient conversant. It’s always “Oh you don’t get it, man. The Jews are responsible for this. The Blacks are more likely to that. Illegals from Mexico are just waiting for the right moment to blah blah blah. You don’t even know!” Yawn. Why subscribe to a belief system that could be logically disproved by a reasonably sober pre-teen and then act all civilized about it? That’s like doing a PhD thesis on your shameful third-grade pants-shitting episode. What a waste. To disarm these fools, who seem goofy even compared to their frothing toothless hillbilly counterparts, the most effective weapon is laughter. Howling, sputtering laughter. I’m giggling even now!

And that’s why I hope someone has acquainted silly-billy Varg Vikernes of Burzum with the “Burzum Marley” split by Brazil’s Mukeka Di Rato (with Hero Dishonest of Finland). I haven’t tracked down the tune  – a bud in Brazil assures me it’s both black metal and reggae — but the cover art (above) is like freakin’ Nobel Prize-level awesomeness. It’s a total negation of Vikernes’ entire life right there on one obscure 7″, and a reminder that, in the proper context, his imbecilic mission is a farty squeak lost amid the thunderous roar of peace-lovers like Bob Marley. Politics aside, the track also makes you wish for some more philosophically compatible musical collisions: How about some sweaty Afro-beat folk metal from EnsiFela? Or the no-justice-no-peace rage of SepulTosh? Shit, I’d kill for some Sade-dle of Filth about now.

-ADF

Mega-hugs to CSS for the tip!

If my father had utilized reverse psychology when I was a kid, there’s a good chance I would never have latched onto metal; as it stands, his anti-metal stance was probably a big part of the genre’s appeal when I was younger. But now that MetalSucks is what Vince and I do full-time, he’s doing his best to be supportive. For example, he has only ever sent one text message in his entire life. It was to me, and it read as follows:

“Metallica riot see news”

Frickin’ adorable, right? Still, it’s not as though I expected my dad to start listening to Metallica. I mean, he’s probably heard …And Justice for All more times than Lars Ulrich has just from having me blast it around the house when I was a teenager, but I don’t think he can tell the difference between Metallica and The Offspring (I know for a fact my mom can’t).

So I was more than a little surprised when my old man e-mailed me a link to the below video and asked “Know the group?”… because he actually dug the music!

Unfortunately, I had the unenviable task of explaining to my father all about Burzum and Varg Vikernes’ long history of, uh, political idealism, thus promptly ending his too-brief relationship with the first metal band he’s ever actually enjoyed. Oh well. Maybe I can slip him the new Enslaved album or something…?

-AR

Metal fans have been buzzing for months about Until The Light Takes Us, but official screenings have been few and far between. Consequently, 99% of the film’s core audience hasn’t seen the saga of the Norwegian black metal scene as told by filmmakers Aaron Aites and Audrey Ewell. That’s all going to change on September 28th, when Until The Light Takes Us finally gets DVD treatment. Luckily for me, my hookup Terrill, whose inventory is usually comprised of amateur porn, videocam bootlegs of current blockbusters and unreleased Tyler Perry films, somehow got his grubbies on an advance screener.

Click to read more…

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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.

Inspired this week by the rumor that Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler may be a new judge on American Idol, we decided to ask our writers:

IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE METAL MUSICIAN TO BE A JUDGE ON AMERICAN IDOL, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?

The MS staff’s answers after the jump.

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Our friend Amy Sciarretto from Noisecreep reports that Birmingham City University (in England, not Alabama) is naming an award after everyone’s favorite heavy metal grandpa: the Ozzy Osbourne Development Award “will be bestowed upon the student that makes the most significant progress on their degree in the Media and Communication/Music Industry degree.” I assume that the Osbourne family donated a nice chunk of change to get the award named after him, but this doesn’t really make that much sense to me. For one thing, I don’t know if Ozzy has really shown any musical development in, oh, the last hundred years or so, and as much as I admire a lot of his past work, you’ll never convince me that the bulk of the credit doesn’t lie with his collaborators – especially given that the dude doesn’t actually play an instrument. And beyond that, fuck has Ozzy got to do with media and communication? If we’re talking about his work with various reality shows and what have you, well, then, shouldn’t the award be named after Sharon, since we have her to thank for Ozzy’s wonderful non-music endeavors.

But whatever. This piece of news got me thinking: what other awards could we name after heavy metal musicians? And so, after the jump, my suggestions for new university kudos monikered in honor of various other members of the heavy metal community.

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Ho ho ho, it must be Christmas time, because Santa Claus is back on the cover of major magazines. Or, at least, Varg Vikernes was giving me an asymmetrical leer from the cover of this month’s Decibel. I do not envy J Bennett’s charge of having to write that piece – I have met J a few times, he’s my kind of people, and writing this “guess who’s outta jail” bit is a landmine. Still, I was disappointed that he spent more time reporting what was happening in some messageboards than tackling the most compelling question about Burzum and the music community: is it okay to listen to music made by people who you think are bad folks?

Let me say that this goes well beyond Burzum or my like/dislike for VV and his music. I’ve got a number of records made by people who say things I don’t like or do things I don’t like. And I get the sense that a bunch of people in strong, self-identified communities (straight edge, fundamentalist Christian, anarchist, Juggalo, some self-hating mix of all four, etc.) are often uncomfortable with copping to liking music that’s not a part of that shared ethos. So think for a moment beyond the guy peering at you from the top of your mail pile/stuff-I-stole-from-Borders-this-month pile and consider how we separate the artist from the art from the message.

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What do you think Varg is thinking about in this photo?

Reader K-Milo alerted us to the fact that Stereogum recently conducted an interview with the man of the hour, Varg Vikernes. Most of it is exactly the kind of idiotic nonsense you’d expect from this creep – he slams Wolves in the Throne Room (“I haven’t even heard about them before”) and a lot of his Norwegian peers (Enslaved, Immortal, Emperor) who are considerably more talented than he is (“These guys are fucking rats, or they play in bands with rats”) – but there is one section of note: when the topic turns to Vikernes’ political views and his fanbase:

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