MetalSucks

All this talk about Slash’s upcoming solo album has got me playing “Fantasy Velvet Revolver” in my head once again. Though I still hold out hope that Axl’s idea of having Perry Farrell front the band comes to fruition, I know in my heart that there’s probably a better chance of Scott Weiland rejoining the band, which is admittedly a pretty remote possibility. Remote like Siberia.

So looking through the list of vocalists purportedly gracing the axeman’s new record, I see a number of qualified albeit unlikely candidates to fill Weiland’s still-vacant spot. Yeah, it would be a heavy music lover’s dream to have Ozzy Osbourne sing for the band, considering the craptastic nature of his last few solo albums. Realistically, that would be an unholy managerial nightmare with the potential capacity to yield a catastrophic clusterfuck to put the legal woes of Black Sabbath and Guns N’ Roses to shame. Dave Grohl’s too busy counting his money and playing geriatric rock with his idols to commit to yet another band. These days, Alice Cooper and Lemmy Kilmister have the commercial drawing power of, well, Alice Cooper and Lemmy Kilmister, and maybe would shift a few more units than a Velvet Revolver fronted by an unknown (anyone remember Eric Dover or Rod Jackson?) or that dude from Spacehog. Don’t even get me started on Fergie.

One other name on that list, however, actually makes sense…

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“Make love not war sounds so absurd to me.” But not as absurd as the idea of Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt touring with Rihanna, and trying to pass it off as “a high-energy experience” that really fits “‘my’ style.” Because “Umbrella-ella-ella” really requires someone who can shred. I’d almost have more respect for him if he just said “The Extreme reunion tour didn’t pay as well as I hoped and I got rent to pay.”

The announcement follows Bettencourt’s cameo on How I Met Your Mother, which is being called “the best show on television” by people who can’t find their remote and are too lazy to change the channel manually.

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Today was Friday the 13th, but absolutely nothing bad happened to me. I mean, the night is young so shit could still go horribly awry I suppose, but all in all, I had a pretty good day – nay, I had a pretty good week. If only the same could be said for the world of metal. Here’s some disasters the plagued various musicians this week:

• Slash completed his decade-long indoctrination into the Metallica “Fuck Our Fans” Club.
• We’re not sure if Steven Tyler is still in Aerosmith or not, but we are sure that we don’t give a fuck either way.
• There was a lot of controversy over a really, really ugly painting.
• No can explain to me why I should care about Alter Bridge.
• Fear Faction ate s’more babies, released a new song.
• R.I.P. Jerry Fuchs.

And, oh yeah, some good news: MetalSucks is going to do a digital release of The Binary Code’s Suspension of Disbelief on December 15 for just five bucks! Get stoked.

Alright. I’m off to go hear Vince spin. Have a nice weekend everyone. Next week we have another extra, super-duper special surprise for you…

-AR

The Starbucks Incident

Yes, I am going to continue to bitch about Slash. I understand that Slash is not Jimi Hendrix but this might be the single biggest betrayal to my formative years since Metallica released everything they’ve released from Load on, and I need to mourn.

So. Some lady says that the following singers are all on Slash’s new solo album, How Could Taking My Cues from Carlos Santana Possibly Go Wrong? I have added my own thoughts because that’s what we do around here. Click to read more…

I know that opinions about Slash are decidedly mixed. Some people never liked Guns N’ Roses, or hate Slash’s Snakepit, or hate Velvet Revolver, or whatever – I bet that of the five people who remember what the fuck Slash’s Blues Ball was, at least two or three of them hate that, too.

But nothing – and I mean absolutely, unarguably NOTHING – that Slash has ever done has been as bad as this re-recording of “Paradise City” with Cypress Hill and Fergie Methfacerson:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT, DID ANYONE REALLY THINK IT WAS OKAY TO BEGIN ANY VERSION OF “PARADISE CITY” WITH A RAPPER SAYING “YES YES Y’ALL?” IS THIS ONE OF THE BEST HARD ROCK ANTHEMS EVER, OR A FUCKING LIMP BIZKIT SONG?!?! HOW THE FUCK DID FERGIE END UP NOT BEING THE WORST PART OF THIS?!?!

If I was Duff McKagan – who actually wrote the main riff for “Paradise City” – I would kick Slash in the nuts. And then, when he was doing on the ground clutching his bruised testicles, I’d kick him again, and demand that this recording can only be released if done so under the title “Paradise Shitty.”

This re-recording, which makes me wish I was a fan of Disturbed or Drowning Pool so that I’d feel a little more dignified than I do for supporting Slash, comes from a two-song CD single that was released in Japan this week. After the jump is the other song from the single, “Sahara,” which features some Japanese vocalist I’ve never heard it. It’s also a terrible song, but at least it a) doesn’t rape any of my childhood memories and leave them weeping on the cold tile floor and b) has a guitar solo that sounds like every other Slash guitar solo, which is okay because I love Slash guitar solos.

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Scott Weiland’s been out of Velvet Revolver for quite some time now, and there’s still no word on their search for a new singer. I had assumed that they hadn’t announced anyone because they just couldn’t find someone famous enough. I mean, let’s be real – they’re not gonna hire some unknown. If they did, they’d fail to be a supergroup – they’s just be Slash’s Snakepit III. As it stands, Slash doesn’t know Dave Kushner’s name (he repeatedly identifies his co-guitarist as “Dave Kirshner” in his autobiography), and he’s known Kushner since they were kids; what the fuck would he do with an unknown singer?

I guess there must be some other issue, though – ’cause Corey Taylor, front man for Slipknot and Stone Sour, recently revealed that he tried out for the spot:

“I had a meeting with those guys, we did some demos together, and it just didn’t work — for whatever reason… It was just really cool. It was one of those things where it’s like I could have got to jam with legends, man, in my opinion. But, you know, it was cool, and I still know those guys, I still hang out with them, and I still have nothing but respect.”

So I gotta wonder why this didn’t work out. Taylor’s voice is comparable to Weiland’s, he’s well-known, he’d probably bring in some young kids who might otherwise not give a shit about Guns Without Rose, and he’s a very charismatic and entertaining band leader. So did his personality just not gel with that of the dudes in VR? Were they worried that with two other bands, he was already over-committed? Did Roadrunner (the label that distributes both Slipknot and Stone Sour) put the kibosh on the whole thing, as they allegedly did when Taylor almost replaced John Bush in Anthrax? We might never know, but I find the whole thing pretty curious.

Weigh in with your thoughts on Taylor as the new Axl Weiland below. And while you’re pontificating, enjoy this bootleg video of Taylor performing “It’s So Easy” with Slash. It might be the closest we ever get to seeing  a Taylor-fronted VR.

-AR

Now skip to the 3:54 mark to get Mr. Weiland’s thoughts:

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With Velvet Revolver on what is starting to look like a permanent hiatus, Slash has been off recording a Santana-style all-star solo album with lots and lots of famous collaborators. It’s actually kind of a brilliant idea, and you wonder why he didn’t do that instead of Slash’s Snakepit Mach 2, a fun band that was really never gonna pay off for him.

Now Slash has announced his first solo offering: a two-track Japanese (and thus “internet,” whether Saul Hudson likes it or not) single called Sahara, which will offer both that song, with some Japanese dude I’ve never heard of on vocals, and… a re-recording of “Paradise City” with vocals by Cypress Hill and Fergie.

Fergie.

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If Velvet Revolver’s second album, Libertad, had a bed, it shat all over it. The sales would have been considered top-notch for your average metal band, but for mega super duper rockstars likes Guns Without Rose, it was bad enough for their major label to promptly drop them.

There’s a few reasons this might have occurred. Personally, I think that VR’s debut, Contraband, was good but not great, and I think once the curiosity factor (with regards to a supergroup) had passed, the band was kind of doomed. Being a major success means doing crossover business (e.g., attracting people beyond the hardcore fanbase that would’ve bought the album even if it was by Slash’s Snakepit 3), and I know a lot of people who bought Contraband, went “meh,” and then never bothered to check out Libertad.

But even if we assume that Contraband really was Appetite’s second coming, the band released a shit first single that impressed absolutely no one. And I seem to be the only person in the world who actually thought that Libertad was superior to Contraband. So it’s possible that being creatively lackluster is why the album undersold.

Keeping all of this in mind, here’s Matt Sorum basically saying that Libertad sucked, and that it’s all Scott Weiland’s fault:

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I know we (well, I at least) give Slash a lot of shit around here – but it’s only because the dude was my hero growing up (I had his poster on my wall, was him for Halloween at least twice, etc.), and it’s always disappointing when one of your heroes, say, starts gigging with the alien “chick” (recent evidence suggests she may, in fact, be a dude) from Black Eyed Peas.

But Slash turns 44 (!!!) today, and it’s pretty much a miracle the guy is still alive. So I am going to take this moment to celebrate him by pretending that he’s still the way I’d like to remember him:

-AR

I imagine that when the members of, say, Daath get together for rehearsal, no one expects to be paid for said rehearsal. They’re all dudes who are friends – some of them even grew up together, if I’m not mistaken – and it’s not like they’re making squillions of dollars playing metal. Rehearsal, then, has to be viewed as an investment – get better as a band, put on a good show for the crowd, and, knock on wood, your band will get bigger and the money will come.

I also imagine it’s different being in someone’s solo band. If your boss is Ozzy Osbourne or Axl Rose or Dave Mustaine or Trent Reznor, there’s going to be a lot of money involved, and your creative input is going to be somewhat limited (I imagine). I know for a fact that the members of nu-GN’R are paid an annual retainer, just in case they’re needed; I assume members of certain other solo bands are given a similar (if perhaps less lucrative) deal. And actors definitely get paid to rehearse; granted, the rehearsal rate is less than the performance rate, but the unions insist that if you want an actor there for rehearsals, he or she must be compensated.

Now. Sebastian Bach’s record sales obviously are not what they used to be. But the guy still opens for arena bands, routinely plays large festivals, and, by his own admission, gets paid very large sums of money to appear on crappy reality shows. Doing something like, say, paying for his band’s member’s gas so they can get to rehearsal seems reasonable, especially when you’re talking about dudes like Metal Mike Chlasciak, who, even if he’s not exactly Zakk Wylde, has played with dudes like Halford, and is definitely a “known entity.”

Well, Baz disagrees. He’s looking for a new guitarist and a new bassist, and, more specifically, he’s looking for someone to do it for bubcus. Check out this statement from the Old Dude Gone Wild:

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This is gonna be a long, Lefsetzian rant that is only peripherally related to metal. Don’t read it if that’s gonna bother you.

MTV’s The State came out on DVD yesterday – the complete series. For those of you too young to remember, The State was a sketch comedy series that launched all the guys (and girl) who went on to make Wet Hot American Summer, Stella, Reno 911, and a whole bunch of shit I’m forgetting.

(The troupe’s members have also written and/or acted in some terrible movies, I’m sure because it paid well, but if it funds their own work, then whatever.)

So last night after we shuttered the MetalSucks Mansion Grand Study of Doom & Horror (where we do all our “work”) for the evening, I went out (To fucking Best Buy – because there is now no place else in the city to purchase DVDs) and bought The State, came home, “got right” as Ron Saint Germain would say, and sat down to watch a show I haven’t seen in sixteen years.

Holy shit, that makes me feel old.

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At the risk of sounding disrespectful: we cannot look at Michael Jackson through rose-colored glasses just because of his untimely passing. The dude was, to put it mildly, a weirdo, and probably very, very crazy. And the fact that he is now dead does not change that fact.

That being said, back when the guy was slightly less crazy (or, at least, the general public was less aware of his craziness), there’s no denying that he was major talent who had a huge impact on music. Denying this fact because of his later follies is just foolish. And even though I’ve been listening to metal since before I had pubes, I freely admit that I owned a copy of Thriller long before I owned a copy of Reign in Blood.

Jackson apparently had some kind of affinity for hard rock guitarists, or, at least, had someone in his camp who did. Besides employing Jennifer Batten for years, Jackson worked with Eddie Van Halen (”Beat It”), Slash (”Give in to Me”), and Steve Stevens (”Smooth Criminal”).

For the usual dumb reasons, none of the videos for these collaborations are embeddable, but you can easily find them on the net. In the meantime, here’s Jacko and Slash:

On a more cynical note, except at least one, if not more, of these guitarists to start exploiting their relationship with Jackson for publicity any second now.

-AR

I was a little taken aback when I was this editorial in the New York Times this morning, written by former Guns N’ Roses/current Velvet Revolver bassist/current Loaded front man, Duff McKagan. Not so much because I was surprised to see that Duff is literate – he has a column in Playboy – but because the byline features his birth name, Michael McKagan.

Maybe it’s wrong of me to assume that the Times was being snotty – perhaps it was his idea to use his real name in the Paper of Record – but the whole thing is just kind of a head-scratcher.

No word yet on whether or not Axl Rose will now start writing for the Washington Post under the name “Bill Bailey.”

-AR

P.S. I interviewed Duff back in April. The MetalSucks Mansion Monkeys have been dragging their feet getting that shit transcribed, but at some point, you’ll get to read it.

If you don’t know who Amy Sciarretto is, well, ya should. She’s Roadrunner Records in-house PR goddess (and often writes the very funny “Ask Amy” column for the Roadrunner website) and also writes for NoiseCreep. She’s also written for Revolver, Kerrang!, Guitar World, and a butt load of other publications and websites. In other words, she knows her shit.

Now Amy has teamed up with Rick Florino – founder or Ruined magazine and a contributor to Inked, Revolver, Hit Parader, etc. – to write Do the Devil’s Work for Him: How to Make it in the Music Industry (and Stay in It!). Featuring interviews and music biz advice from members of System of a Down, DevilDriver, Dragonforce, Matt Sorum (current Velvet Revolver/ex-Guns N’ Roses drummer) and Roadrunner A&R guru/blade runner Mike Gitter, this promises to be much, much cooler than your average “how to” guide.

The book hits shelves on June 26. In the meantime, you can get more info here.

-AR

I haven’t watched any of Sam Kinison’s old stand-up in years, so I have no idea how his work holds up – but when I was a younger, I thought he was just about the funniest human being that had ever lived, and when he died, I was really, really upset about it.

I heard recently that HBO is making a TV movie about Kinison’s life – which is why I was thinking about him again – and I suddenly remembered Kinison’s video for his cover of “Wild Thing.”

Today the video seems vastly inferior to Brian Posehn’s “Metal by Numbers,” because a) that song is actually about metal, b) that song isn’t a cover, and c) that song doesn’t have Tommy Lee in its video. But at the time, this clip was the shit – I mean, in addition to the aforementioned Lee, it also features Slash, Billy Idol, Richie Sambora, members of Aerosmith and Ratt, and Jessica Hahn’s tits.

-AR

In case ya didn’t know: in the years following his time in Guns N’ Roses, Duff McKagan actually went back to school and got his degree in… finance. If I’m not mistaken, that makes him the only member of the original GN’R to have a college degree – when they were most at their most successful, only Izzy Stradlin was even a high school graduate – which may explain why Duff and Izzy are the only members of the original band who have not completely humiliated themselves in the years since, either by appearing on a reality show, becoming a fucknuts recluse, taking gigs with anyone who can meet their quote, or being Matt Sorum.

ANYWAY, McKagan has a column at SeattleWeekly.com, and this week he chose to make a big announcement: he’s going to be a financial columnist for Playboy.com.

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MetalSucks’ own Kip Wingerschmidt and the ballerina turned cock rawk supahstah from whom he takes his name have more in common than a mutual love of getting stone on Saturdays. Turns out they both think Lars Ulrich drinks donkey semen, too. Ulrich can spotted in A Year and a Half in the Life of Metallica (Y’know, the less-famous Metallica documentary that doesn’t make you feel quite as embarrassed to like this band) throwing darts at a pull-out of Kip Winger; now, in an interview with C.C. Banana for Metal Sludge (IT’S ALIVE!!!!), Winger has decided to strike back at the diminutive Dane drummer. Asked if he has himself ever thrown darts at Ulrich’s photo, Winger responded:
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As you are no doubt aware by now, Chinese Democracy was released last week to what are generally considered disappointing sales figures. Here in the States, the album sold 261,000 copies to land at number three on the Billboard charts; that’s a little more than Velvet Revolver’s debut, Contraband, sold in its first week back in 2004, when the industry was actually in better shape – but Contraband didn’t take fifteen years and didn’t cost thirteen million dollars. So that number just ain’t really cutting it in most people’s eyes.

But the number actually strikes me as being kind of impressive, when you consider how little promotion was actually done for the record. At the Best Buy where I bought my copy of the album, not only was there no floor display or posters announcing its release, but when I couldn’t find a copy on the shelves (in either the “new release” section of the “Guns N’ Roses” section), one employee actually tried to tell me that they weren’t carrying the disc – despite the fact that Best Buy is the only store in America that are stocking the record (Another, slightly less retarded store worker was able to find the album for me no problem. As it turns out, I could have walked ten blocks to the Virgin Megastore, who are selling Canadian imports of the CD at a slightly higher price.). And if reports are any indication, I’m not the only one who experienced a Best Buy blunder.

And that’s on top of the fact that, as we’ve noted, the man himself, W. Axl Rose, hasn’t come out of hiding to grant interviews, shoot a music video, tour, or in any way acknowledge that his masterpiece is finally seeing the light of day after years of waiting. I think this fact struck most Axl fans as a typically bizarre/enigmatic/just plain dumb move on Rose’s part – I don’t think it actually occurred to anyone that Rose might be, y’know, actually missing, as Music-News.com is now reporting.

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Dude. Did anyone else know that Scott Weiland has a new solo album coming out two days after the release of Chinese Democracy? What the fuck? I wonder what it’s like to be Slash this week. Seriously. Is he pissed off that these two assholes get to live? Scared of the success they might achieve without him? Does he even know the albums are coming out, or is too busy having tea with Ozzy? Does SCOTT even know that Scott’s album is coming out??? The mind boggles.

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