MetalSucks

According to a press release that just arrived at the MetalSucks Mansion, VH1 is looking for “beautiful babes” (which would be a step up from past seasons) for a third edition of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. But why would any woman in her right mind wanna be on that show? Obviously you’re not really gonna make Bret Michaels fall in love with you, if the first two seasons are any indication.

So, instead, we propose that all women looking to degrade themselves and/or hang out with Z list “celebrities” audition for Cock of Love with Axl and Vince. Like Rock of Love, this will be a reality show in which a few dozen slutty strippers/porn stars/single mothers/crack addicts compete for the affections of a man (or, in this case, men); unlike Rock of Love, we’ll just dispense with the ridiculousness of pretending that mud football or talent contests actually have anything to do with love and just get right into the nitty gritty of it: our contestants will be judged solely based on their ability to provide a wide range of horrific, scar-you-for life sexual acts, including but not limited to Chinese fingercuffs, donkey punches, Houdinis, attending concerts performed by NYC’s infamous death/grind masters Lake Bukkake, and, of course, our mutual favorite, The Messy Matzoh (think “Ookie Cookie,” but Jewier). The show won’t be on VH1 but we’re fairly certain we could get the dudes from Metal Injection to film it all for us.

Interested parties should write their phone number on the wall of their local men’s room and wait to be contacted.

-AR

Eventually, someone is going to adapt Motley Crue’s The Dirt (which I’m still fairly certain is the best book ever written in any language ever) into a movie. There’s too many greenbacks at stake for the project just to sit on the shelf forever.

But I’ve read screenwriter Rich Wilkes’ adaptation of the infamous tome (written by Neil Strauss under the guise of being written by the band members themselves), and it wasn’t going to make a good movie. In fact, I can guarantee you it was going to make a horrible, horrible movie. Wilkes is the writer of such gems as The Jerky Boys movie and xXx, so that news really shouldn’t shock anyone*; in fact, I have to guess that Wilkes got the job ’cause he wrote Airheads, which is probably the last Hollywood movie about metal that is only a semi-embarrassment to the film industry**. Still, Wilkes’ script was all set to go before cameras under the guidance of Borat director/Seinfeld executive producer Larry Charles, who is really way, way, way too talented for this lousy script. At various times, Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Knoxville were rumored to be in talks to play Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx, respectively, and Christopher Walken and Val Kilmer were alleged to have filled the roles of Ozzy Osbourne and David Lee Roth.

In other words, this thing really had about as much chance of being good as Lars Ulrich does of growing to be six five four feet tall.

So lucky for us all that the project, at least as we’ve known it, seems to be in jeopardy.

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So while Richie Sambora is not doing the new season of Rock of Love, Sharon Osbourne has been hired to teach “some of the most notorious contestants from Rock of Love with Bret Michaels the art of becoming more lady-like” for a new program entitled – what else? – Rock of Love Girls: Charm School.

Since Sharon Osbourne knows little to nothing about being a) lady-like or b) charming, I can only assume that Mrs. Ozzy is actually being hired because she knows how to land a rock star and keep a rock star. “Make sure he’s too fucked up to know where he is at all times,” I can just hear Sharon instructing these, um, “ladies.” “That way he’ll never cheat on you and you keep can keep him working and making money for you until the day he dies.”

No word on which sluts – uh, contestants – from Rock of Love will be on the show, but as long as the sloppy drunk chick who kept saying “Don’t threaten me with a good time” shows up, I’ll tune in at least once.

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]