Remember Motley Crue’s The Dirt? Of course you do, it’s like the single greatest thing ever written by anyone anywhere in the history of writing or even conveying stories via grunts and finger painting on cave walls. And Neil Strauss, the guy who put it together, clearly understands storytelling as an art form; for one of the cardinal rules of telling a story is “Grab your reader right from the start,” and Strauss certainly accomplished that. Here’s the entire first paragraph of The Dirt, told from the point of view of Vince Neil:

“Her name was Bullwinkle. We called her that because she had a face like a moose. But Tommy, even though he could get any girl he wanted on the Sunset Strip, would not break up with her. He loved her and wanted to marry her, he kept telling us, because she could spray her cum across the room.”

BRILLIANT. A++++ WDBWA. In just four sentences, Strauss has pretty much assured that you will read the rest of The Dirt. This paragraph has sex, it has humor, it makes immediate reference to other members of Motley Crue, and it offers a “Psst! Wanna hear some gossip?” tone that allows the reader to feel secure that he or she did not waste his or her money. No wonder this thing was such a high seller.

Now, let’s contrast this with the opening paragraph of It’s So Easy and Other Lies, Duff McKagan’s new autobiography, the first eighty pages of which are now available for free download here:

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Partway through the first song of the Motley Crue concert Vince and I attended last month, I turned to another friend who was with us and asked, “What the fucking fuck is Vince Neil saying?” To which he replied in the only logical way — with a shrug.

That Neil can’t sing so good anymore (if he could ever sing so good) isn’t news; he’s notorious for being fat and easily winded, and for dealing with that lack of breath by just slurring lyrics together so it kinda-sorta-but-not-really sounds like the song he’s performing. (For example, if they lyrics are “He’s the one they call Dr. Feelgood/He’s the one that makes ya feel alright,” Neil might mumble “HesthecallFeelgood/Hesthealrye.”) Still, it’s depressing to think that Anna Graceman, and eleven year old girl who happens to look like Neil if Neil were 800 pounds lighter and three feet taller, did a better job singing “Home Sweet Home” on last night’s episode of America’s Got Talent than Neil has done since, I dunno, probably 1986 or so. Metal Insider points out that Graceman “was born the year the Crue’s New Tattoo came out,” which means that she, like the general public, does not remember when New Tattoo came out, or probably even what New Tattoo is.

-AR

I am old and married to a kindergarten teacher, therefore, I can only go to concerts during the sweltering months of summer.

This is my summer vacation (Part I).

WHO:MÖTLEY CRÜE, POISON & NEW YORK DOLLS
WHERE: AT&T Center — San Antonio, Texas
WHEN: June 9, 2011

I can’t say I was too excited to check out this bill. I did give Mötley Crüe a solid review for their 2008 Crüefest that scooted into the now-defunct Verizon Wireless Amphitheater under the scornful eye of a vicious summer storm, despite the fact Buckcherry, Sixx A.M., and Trapt opened up for them. This time around, I can’t say their choice for major support would cause me to sport a woody. I mean, c’mon… Poison? 4srslz?

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The challenge for tireless bullshitters like Nikki Sixx, Max Cavalera, Dave Mustaine, Steven Tyler, and Sammy Hagar is overcoming audience immunity. Know what I mean? With every distorted remembrance and self-aggrandizing observation, the shit-talker’s would-be customers (i.e. us) build a resistance to his line of artlessly cloaked sales-speak and attention-mongering. So the leg-puller succumbs to the tugging urge to ramp up the bullshit, to swing bigger and more wildly, in his quest for exposure for a crappy book, charmless side project, or half-assed clothing line. The result? Boldly false accusations, misremembered details, poorly-veiled disses, and … well, and everything Mustaine ever says. Bullshit.

Which is fine. Cuz we don’t admire musicians for their devotion to perspective and modesty (except Devin Townsend lovvvve youuuuuu). But in the case of Sixx, grand champion of public self-worship, it might be necessary to stage an intervention; the Motley Crue bassist, who spent a few years using heroin and a few decades telling the world about it, might lose a jaw bone for all his recent ShamWow-style jabbering about Crue albums that no one will buy (Saints of Los Angeles limped to gold sales status), his new photography book (lulz meet me in the quad later, stud), and the next tour to be ruined by fat-ass Vince Neil this summer with Poison. All that blabbing! His tongue must be raw with abrasions, his lips nearly flapped right off his face. He can’t stop and he needs help!

But I might be wrong. Shit, just maybe Sixx is speaking the truth and I can’t handle it. So when impartiality is key, when neutrality is a necessity, when there are cold, hard facts to be parsed from dumb, dishonest bullshit, we wheel in the always reliable MetalSucks Translate-Bot 3000. Time is of the essence if Sixx is to be saved from himself and, eventually, from gaffer-tape wielding music journalists. Go, Translate-Bot 3000, go! Click to read more…

I don’t know why, but I’ve had John Corabi on the brain recently. Maybe it’s ’cause Corey just wrote about the poor dude? I dunno. But last night I realized I’d never seen any footage of him performing live with Mötley Crüe during his brief tenure with the band, and went looking on YouTube for said footage. I found some okay bootlegs (“Hooligan’s Holiday,” “Dr. Feelgood,” “Home Sweet Home”), and it looks like Corabi was actually doing a pretty good job — which isn’t really surprising. The one eponymous album Corabi made with the band is actually pretty good, even if it was pretty much damned right from the get go.

More interesting, though, is this footage I stumbled upon of Corabi and the The Crüe rehearsing. It’s professionally filmed, although for what, I have no idea, and it’s been on YouTube since 2008, so I’m kinda surprised that no one ever sent it to me before. But I love this kinda shit. I mean, I’m obviously never going to rehearse with Mötley Crüe, so this is a pretty interesting look into that process. It’s fun to see how these guys actually interact with one another, y’know? (My favorite part might be Mick Mars getting pissy become a tech scuffed the floor. Seriously.) Plus, it turns out Tommy Lee was always retarded, if that’s news to you.

More after the jump!

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Here’s an interesting excerpt from a recent interview with Sammy Hagar that was conducted by Forbes, your leading source for rock and metal news:

“I was asked at one time to be in Mötley Crüe. I was asked at one time to be in Pantera by their mangers. I was asked to be in Velvet Revolver when Scott Weiland quit and went back to the Stone Temple Pilots. I was waiting to be asked to be in Led Zeppelin to say no, since they were the greatest band on earth and no could replace Robert Plant. I was asked to be in Aerosmith and I said no. Certain bands and certain front man singers are more difficult to replace than others. Steven Tyler and that band have stayed together for forty years and you don’t to walk into something like that. They had one moment years ago, when they replaced Joe Smith, but it’s still always been Steven at the front of Aerosmith. You don’t replace that. When I came into Van Halen, it was easy because Dave wasn’t a great singer, but he was a good front man. In those times, I was selling out the same arena’s they were so it was like the combination of two forces and it worked but it’s a rare thing. We were all lucky that the fans accepted it and it got bigger. I would avoid bands that are going to break up pretty soon.”

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Because Vince and I are lazy asses, we did not do any interviews on the Black Carpet at the Revolver Golden Gods Awards last week. In fact, I think we were both already kinda drunk by the time the whole thing started. So, yeah, Joan Rivers we ain’t.

But don’t be sad, ’cause our bro-bros at Metal Injection did rock the Black Carpet — in fact, on-camera personality Rob Pasbani even wore a shiny silver coat, which, I shit you not, was the hit of the party. (The amount of compliments he got on the thing was absurd.) And, as usual, the video report they’ve filed from the event is super-lulzy. Highlights include learning the hard way that Volbeat are good at sarcasm (Rob: “What kind of performance can we expect from you guys?” Volbeat: “A musical performance.”), Sebastian Bach practicing his future routine for stand-up in the Catskills (Baz, upon being asked to do a bumper for MI: “I don’t do bumps anymore.”), and Vince Neil proving that he is still the greatest interview subject in all of metaldom (Rob: “I feel like you guys are the definitive L.A. band.” Vince Neil: “Well, we’re from L.A.”).

Continuing in the tradition of last year’s awkward Metal Injection-Black Carpet screen cap, you can click the below still of Sasha Grey checking out Rob’s delicious ass to watch the entire report.

-AR

Avenged Sevenfold and Vinnie Paul, “Mouth For War”

Matt Cerone over at MetsBlog.com does these daily “the least you should know” wrap-ups after every game, which this season have essentially all boiled down to “they sucked.” In that spirit, here’s an abbreviated report from the Revolver Golden Gods Awards in L.A., which Axl and I had the privilege of attending and which, unlike the Mets, most definitely did not suck. We had a rip-roaring good time and got rip-roaringly drunk before realizing that oh yeah, this is L.A. and you have to fucking drive home. What a nightly buzzkill, literally! Thanks, Axl, for driving my drunk ass home.

The least you should know about the 2011 Revolver Golden Gods Awards before we have time to properly recap the event:

• Avenged Sevenfold were easily the most popular band there; most kids at the show were wearing their shirts. Their performance was fantastic and even converted a few industry non-believers I spoke with; in addition to a “hit and run” set of the band’s most popular songs, they played “It’s So Easy” with Duff McKagan and “Mouth For War” with Vinnie Paul (video above).
• Alice Cooper played very early in the night but rocked nonetheless. (video after the jump)
• Vince Neil: not sober.
• Asking Alexandria frontman: definitely not sober yet. Lost his mic under the drum riser 10 seconds into “Youth Gone Wild” with Sebastian Bach (video after the jump).
• Sebastian Bach: still awesome.
• Sebatian Bach to Dave Grohl, upon running into him backstage: “Hey! Dave Grohl!” [hugs]
• Rammstein vocalist Till Lindemann was hilariously hitting on every woman in sight, including L.A. metal sorta-celeb Metal Sanaz.
• Other backstage celeb sightings: Dino Cazares (who Tweeted “where’s the baby?” at us), Dave Navarro (who still looks 20 years old), Rob Zombie, Alan Robert of Life of Agony (mega-cool dude), Taylor Momsen, Pat Smear, Taylor Hawkins, Sasha Grey, Jenna Haze, Steven Adler, dude from Puddle of Mudd, William fucking Shatner, the ghost of Dime.
• Black Veil Brides winning “Best New Band.” Lulz!

Fun videos after the jump! More extensive coverage coming soon.

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Long-time readers of MetalSucks are fully aware of my lifelong obsession with Mötley Crüe. Okay, it was more like a two-year love affair, at least until I discovered Terry Glaze-fronted Pantera, Metallica, and the English Dogs.

I have ruined any chances of running for public office by openly displaying my dress-up capabilities as both Vince Neil and Nikki Sixx on this wonderful publication. I have reviewed the band’s concerts here, as well as their books (and books, and books).

My pathetic one-sided man crush was shattered on December 8, 1984, when lead singer Vince Neil vehicularly manslaughtered 24-year-old Hanoi Rocks drummer Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, while driving his Pantera to a liquor store in Redondo Beach, California, to pick up some booze. Interestingly enough, that was the same exact moment the band’s music began to completely suck. Hard.

That brings us to modern day Mötley Crüe and their upcoming co-headlining summer tour with metal stalwarts Poison **hack** and glam rock pioneers the New York Dolls. According to Blabbermouth, Crüe bassist and de facto leader Nikki Sixx claims that the band’s fans “demanded” that they take Poison out on the road. MetalSucks co-head honcho Axl Rosenberg, of course, is much wiser than Sixx gives him credit.

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In Wisconsin, it’s in ink on everybody’s schedule to hit the local polling place today and vote against the hateful, friendless jerks who became politicians in order to hoard all basic ingredients of good living (like this little turd did). While some rage against harmful idiocy, everybody else can engage in harmless idiocy but just heading to a local computer machine to vote in Steel Panther’s Shocker Contest. To win, one lucky fanther will have landed the most likes (here on the band’s book of facing) for the best Shocker-themed fan pic (like above).

In other Steel Panther news, a wobbly, waddling Vince Neil joined the band onstage Saturday in Las Vegas to um perform Motley Crue hits “Live Wire” and “Kickstart My Heart” (video here). The only thing funnier than Neil’s wheezy warbling in the former is Panther guitarist Satchel’s three-point inspection of Neil’s sexy companions during the latter. Nah, check that. Vince Neil’s scramble to not suck is way funnier.

-ADF

Steel Panther is currently in the studio at work on a follow-up to 2009 year’s best metal album, Feel The Steel.

Hey, remember how Vince Neil assaulted his ex in Vegas last week? (Sorry, I’m supposed to say “allegedly assaulted” his ex.) Well, now the dude — who has nothing if not chutzpah — is claiming that said ex, future-Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Alicia Jacobs, actually assaulted him. And TMZ has the photo to prove it:

Uh… is that real? It looks like someone just sprinkled some ketchup on his arm. I’ve had paper cuts that looked more damaging.

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There was a brief moment when I was a kid first being introduced to glam during which I could not tell Vince Neil and C.C. DeVille apart for some reason. And at this point, Motley Crue and Poison are equally ridiculous — and now they’re touring together, too. So I’m just gonna put all the emerging news concerning both bands in one big heap after the jump. I’m sure of the five of you who still care won’t mind.

And so:

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IF SOMEONE CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN I WILL HAVE A UTERUS SURGICALLY INSTALLED IN MY OWN BODY AND HAVE YOUR BABY.

-AR

I know we give Bret Michaels a lot of shit around here, and rightfully so. But I actually do think he deserves a big pat on the back for this.

In case you haven’t been following the drama: Nikki Sixx has been saying no band of his would ever tour with Poison since as far back as 2004, and then in November Bret Michaels said that Motley Crue were going to tour with Poison, and then Tommy Lee was all “Oh no we’re not,” and then it turned out the tour was happening anyway, and then Nikki, rather than admit that The Crue are putting aside whatever hatred they have for Poison in order to please the fans/get paid, came out and was like, “Yeah, we’re just doing this tour with New York Dolls,” who will act as support on the bill.

Now, inevitably, Michaels has been asked about all the brewing drama in a recent interview. And he could have started some shit by smack talking Sixx right back, which I certainly would have found entertaining. Or he could have told some bullshit lie like Sixx did, which would have provided me the opportunity to make fun of him some more. But, no, he did something kind of unusual instead: he took the high road and told the truth.

Here are some choice excerpts:

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It’s kinda common knowledge that Steel Panther is the best live show like ever. If you disagree, that means you haven’t seen their show or that you hate fun, equally odious offenses at this point. So, to approximate the Steel Panther concert rapture, just remember your most cherished, slamming, no-dip-in-momentum live experience, then augment it with hilariousness and toplessness and drugs and great hair and a flying guitar solo and celebrity guest bloopers. That’s Steel Panther live. It is a manifestation of heaven on earth.

The fun stuff is fun, but most importantly, Steel Panther is a musician’s band. It’s tightness that allows S’Panther to slay all those hair rock classics thereby transcending bad karaoke or wedding band hell. It’s harder than it looks. My most boner-bending Steel Panther gig opened with “Panama” (smack in singer Michael Starr’s DLR wheelhouse) and “Up All Night” (goosebumps) and then “Shout At The Devil” (suck it, Vince Neil), but it’s with great sadness that I report that I’ve never seen them make fuck to Whitesnake’s titanic jam “Still of the Night” (above). Lexxi Foxxx owns!

–ADF

Fun fact: I put the Mötley Crüe/Poison/New York Dolls tour date I wanna hit up (I’ve considered it and I’m ready to forgive Vince Neil as long as he promises to remain pathetic) in the calendar on my iPhone, AND THE PHONE AUTOMATICALLY ADDED UMLAUTS. It really is the future, guys. 2001 was just a misprint. I, for one, welcome our new robot overlords.

ANYWAY, I know a lot of you are pretty down on this tour, and I’ll try to keep that in mind when Vince and I are having an amazing time at the show. Actually, I’ll probably be way too coked up to care. Nevvvverrrrr mind.

Here are the dates:

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So in November, Bret Michaels said that Poison and Motley Crue were gonna do a big summer tour together, despite the fact that Nikki Sixx once said that there was “No way in fucking hell” that Motley “would ever, ever tour with a fucking band like Poison,” ’cause “That would be the death of us… I will not be attached to that kind of fake bullshit.” And then a couple of days later, Tommy Lee shot down the rumor with an enthusiastic “NO!”

Well, now Michaels has gone on CNN’s Piers Morgan Tonight and announced that Poison and The Crue will, indeed, do a big summer tour together, to celebrate the former band’s 25th anniversary. And just to make extra-sure that Nikki and Tommy now have to eat their words, the tour is going to be called “Glam – A – Gedon 25.”

Now, I’m of two minds about going to this tour:

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Vince Neil was sentenced to all of fifteen days after he was arrested on a DUI charge last year, despite the fact that he has literally killed people under similar circumstances. And while Neil thought his sentence of fifteen days was “harsh,” Las Vegas lawmakers refused to budge, insisting Neil be punished for his wrongdoings despite the fact that he’s a celebrity, and what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Oh, wait, actually, scratch that last part: according to Metal Insider, Neil was actually released after only serving ten days. Now he’s under house arrest, learning the error of his ways while enjoying what I imagine are all the luxuries that Motley Crue money can buy.

I’m honestly out of things to say about what a farce this whole thing has become. Obviously, Vince Neil is just never going to learn his lesson, while I am going to have to feel guilty for loving Dr. Feelgood for the rest of my life.

How is it that Neil’s behavior makes me feel worse than it does him? More importantly, why is is that Rob Riggle and the fat lady from Magnolia are more astringent enforcers of Vegas law in make believe than the actual Vegas lawmakers whose job it is to keep dudes like Neil off the streets?

-AR

I mean, talk about a snub, right?!?

ANYWAY, tomorrow afternoon, Vince and I will attend the wedding of one of our oldest friends. A guy I have known since I was two years old. The very dude who was by my side the first time I heard Guns N’ Roses. I don’t think he had any idea at the time that I had just headed down a path from which I would never return. He works for a classy magazine now, and wears a suit and tie to work. I do this, and usually do it in boxers and a stinky shirt with some metal band on it.

I don’t have a point or anything. I’m just feeling reflective right now.

And now that I got that out of my system, here’s the rundown of things we did this week:

• We got a tour update from Valient Thorr’s Valient Himself.
• We spoke to Tommy Rogers from Between the Buried and Me, Oppu Laine and Mikko Kotomäki from Barren Earth, Kenn Nardi from Anacrusis, and Mike Riley and Dom Romeo from Pulling Teeth.
• We checked out new releases from As Blood Runs Black, Capsule, and Crucified Mortals and Nunslaughter.
• We checked out the newest lucky band to sign to leading independent music retailer VICTORY RECORDS.
• We made the mistake of following Vinnie Paul onto his tour bus.
• We helped our friends at the Deciblog defend Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy.
• We listened to the worst dubstep metal bastardization yet.
• We got excited about the new Scar Symmetry album.
• We sent out well wishes to Vince Neil while he’s in prison.
• We read some fan mail.

Okay now I’m gonna go pick up my new suit for tomorrow! WHOO-HOO TO BEIN’ A BIG KID! See you peeps Monday.

-AR

THE FUCKING BALLS ON VINCE NEIL.

Let’s review the man’s past, shall we?

• In 1984, he was in a drunk driving accident that killed Hanoi Rocks drummer Razzle and severely injured two other people, leaving at least one of them with permanent brain damage. Neil was unharmed. He did thirty days in prison, 200 hours of community service, and paid a couple of million dollars in restitution — in other words, a relative slap on the wrist for the super-rich mega-star that he was at the time.
• In June of 2010, he was arrested in Las Vegas and charged with DUI… again.
• A week later, he was back onstage, joking around about his love of alcohol.
• In December of 2010, he gave a video interview where he was not only clearly inebriated, but he was seen getting behind the wheel of his car with multiple passengers while drunk.
• Last month, he was sentenced to fifteen days in prison for his the June DUI — – in other words, a relative slap on the wrist for the super-rich former mega-star that he is.

So what does Neil think of his punishment? He tells the Las Vegas Sun:

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