Andy McCoy, one of the founding members of Hanoi Rocks, wrote a book. In 2008. [Our own Corey Mitchell reviewed it in 2010. - Ed.] I read it pretty recently as it came to me with a bunch of Christmas/Hannukah/New Year’s loot. My family doesn’t celebrate anything, so we basically give each other presents because the year is over. Yeah, I don’t know. We put up a tree, too.

Anyway, I kind of dropped the ball on Andy, and that’s kind of a recurring thing these days, because every once in a while I get caught up on that “having a life thing.” I did finally read it, though, and I quite enjoyed it. To an extent. Now, I love books. Reading = fun times for me. I usually have three or four books I’m juggling and one of them is almost always a music biography. But Sherriff McCoy; Outlaw Legend of Hanoi Rocks goes on the pile of band books that really could’ve used a good edit.

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Round Two of Heavy Metal Blunders brings us, who else? Vince Neil! Yes, the official MS Mansion punching monkey got shipped off to the can last week. At this point, I don’t really care. But I did get a chuckle out of his girlfriend, Alicia Jacobs, who was concerned for her bank account, err… boyfriend. Jacobs claimed Neil was “not eating much other than peanut butter, Doritos and stuff like that. He had a baloney sandwich one day. It’s not optimal conditions.” I wonder what Razzle thinks about dem apples?

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As you are probably well aware, our favorite punching bag, Vince Neil, is heading to the pokey on February 15 for not knowing how to hold his booze and/or drop his car keys. But did you know he is also in trouble for not knowing how to file a 1040 tax form? Seems Vince forgot to mail in those pesky $1.1 million tax dollars last year. Oops!

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So remember this past summer, when Vince Neil — who has literally killed and maimed people while drunk driving — was arrested in Vegas for DUI, and then subsequently flaunted his love and of boozin’ n’ cruisin’ not once but twice? Well, the Long Arm of the Law is not just gonna let this shit pass. No no no, assholes like Vince Neil need to be taught a lesson, even if they are famous. And so Vince is being handed a punishment only slightly more severe than the one I received when my parents found my cigarettes in the tenth grade. From Metal Insider:

“Neil will plead guilty to the DUI on January 26, and then will turn himself over to Clark County Detention Center in Las Vegas on February 15, where he will spend the next 15 days in. Following that, he will serve another 15 days under house arrest.”

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Life’s kinda getting’ out of control. I think. I don’t know if you agree, will you hand me that ashtray? So, man, the other day I decided I might as well pull out that Vince Neil autobiography. I was a big Mötley Crüe fan when I was a teenager and got tired of Elton John, Boston, and Ted Nugent. They were cutting edge back then. The Crüe, that is… at least, that’s what I thought. What did I care, they fuckin’ rocked, they looked cool, and the chicks used to come out in droves for them. What more could a horny male teenager ask for? What’s that? I don’t know… shit! I dropped my coffee in my lap. Fuckin’ cat!

It’s like, what it is, it’s like… I know you’ve heard the phrase a thousand times, but it’s a rat race. So, where were we? Oh yeah. Mötley Crüe, Vince Neil. His autobiography, Tattoos & Tequila: To Hell and Back with One of Rock’s Most Notorious Frontmen, which came out a few months back. Unlike my fellow MetalSucks brethren, I actually used to like Vince Neil. [Uh... actually, we did, too, which is part of the reason we now give him so much shit! - Ed.] Hell, I even dressed up like him for a lip-synching contest way back in ’83. Even posted it here as one of my most embarrassing life moments. Lost to some teenyboppers singing Cyndi Lauper. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun…” What a crock! Should’ve gone with “Looks That Kill” instead of “Piece of Your Action.” My bad. Used to love going to Fast Times in Pasadena, Texas, where they had those contests. Teens trying to act like adults. Lots of hot chicks, bad hairstyles, and people who hated heavy metal. Losers.

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Yesterday, Sergeant D. posted a Metal Edition of the classic parlor game Marry, Fuck, or Kill, and you guys responded, uh, enthusiastically, surprising no one. And because we’re equal opportunity offenders — don’t forget that this is the site which posts leaked naked pictures of women and men alike — we decided that today we should post a metal d00dz edition.

So we sat down with the Mansion’s resident feminist, Leyla Ford, and presented her with some hot metal d00dz for a new game of MFK. Check out the results after the jump…

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So MetalSucks Maniac Shane Gillis sent us a link to the below interview with Vince Neil, and while little to nothing of what Neil says is actually interesting, what is interesting is that Neil is clearly hammered. Either that, or he’s retarded. I mean, we’ve always known that Vince Neil is a little retarded (look at that downey face), but in this case, I think it’s safe to say that he’s smashed.

“Why is that interesting, Axl?” you ask. “Vince Neil is, like, always drunk, isn’t he?” Yes, that’s true. But as Mr. Gillis pointed out in his e-mail to us, at the end of the interview, Vince gets in his car to drive his lady friends home, presumably to re-create his sex tape with Janine Lindemulder and whomever the other chick with her face blurred out was. Since we haven’t heard that Neil died or killed anyone, presumably he made it home alright, but you do have to wonder: how many times is this asshole gonna get behind the wheel while he’s sloshed? He’s just not gonna be satisfied until he kills and/or cripples a few people AGAIN, is he? Why the fuck is he even still allowed to drive at this point? I mean, at this point, you wouldn’t ever send your kid over to go swimming in Tommy Lee’s pool, would you?

-AR

[via Blabbermouth]

So I get this email with the above headline as the subject from Metal Sludge’s Stevie Rachelle yesterday and I’m thinking to myself, “Woah, a Top Ten list from Metal Sludge? What, it has to have been like 8 or 9 years since they’ve done one of these! Say it’s so!” Then I click the link (duh), and lo and behold: “We have not done one of these TOP 10 lists in oh, about 8-9 years. So it’s way past due. Metal Sludge’s official Top 10 Drunkest (Living) Rock Stars of All Time!” Alright! Party time! The Sludge is back!

And it’s just like the good ol’ days on Metal Sludge, rife with barbed insults, no punches pulled. Obviously most of the choices are pretty predictable — Vince “Skating Falling with the Stars” Neil is a drunkard, whodathunkit? and Perennial Sad Sack Steven Adler makes a nice showing for himself – but I don’t wanna ruin the rankings for you. Naturally W.A.S.P.’s Chris Holmes’ famous poolside interview, above, makes the cut too. Mandatory watching for those who haven’t seen it.

Hey kids: the tone and wit of Metal Sludge were a huge inspiration for this here metal blog, so do yer homework!

-VN

And that’s saying something.

I didn’t realize that Skating with the Stars was starting already, or I might have actually tuned in to watch Vince Neil make an ass out of himself. Luckily, we live in an era where everything is on the internet, and so Blabbahmouf has video of Neil, who apparently came in dead last in the competition after “falling more times during training than the rest of [the 'stars' on the show] combined.”

Watching the clip, it’s hard to believe that’s true. He skates with such panache! It’s not at all like someone put ice skates on a pig and told it to throw horns at the appropriate moment. No no no no no. This is bee-you-tee-full. In fact, someone call the rest of the band and tell them Vince has stumbled upon the next big touring idea: Cruefest on Ice.

-AR

According to Metal Undergound, Bret Michaels announced during a Canadian solo gig last night “that in celebration of Poison’s 25th anniversary, the band will be touring with fellow American rockers Motley Crue next year, who will themselves be celebrating their 30th anniversary.” That’s great news, unless you hate fun. Even with Vince Neil being bloated and winded, Tommy Lee devoting the remainder of his career to reenacting the C. Thomas Howell classic Soul Man, Mick Mars having less mobility than a corpse, and Poison being, y’know, Poison, it’s almost impossible for me to imagine this tour being anything less than awesome. Especially if they get another great glam band (by which I mean a band like Cinderella, not a latter-day cock rock wanna-be like Hinder or Saliva), to open. Seriously, just hook the alcohol dispenser up to my veins and let me go see this show. Hell, even if the just turned out to be a train wreck of drama and shit-talking, it would be awesome.

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And you thought Steven Tyler becoming a judge on American Idol was bad.

As part of his ongoing quest to determine just how low a former rock god can sink, Vince Neil has now signed on to Skating with the Stars, a spinoff of — duh — Dancing with the Stars, in which “stars” will — double duh — skate. Joining him on the show will be one of the women from those Real Housewives shows everyone is so stoked about these days, Olympic gold medal skier Jonny Moseley, the only black actor on The Disney Channel, soap opera actress Rebecca Budig (with whom I actually used to work in a former life), and Sean Young, who was a respectable actress once upon a time (see: Blade Runner, Wall Street, the original Ace Ventura, etc.), but has since gone crazy (she once showed up at Tim Burton’s office in a homemade Catwoman outfit and demanded the role in Batman Returns) and now also makes her living on soaps. So it’s good company for Mr. Neil.

Seriously, this dude can’t drive a car, and some reports tell us that he can barely stand upright on stage. How the hell is he gonna skate? Can the ice even support his weight? Does he really need money this badly? I know that booze and sports cars and porn stars don’t come cheap, but maybe switch from champagne to rye and you should be saving a few hundred thousand dollars a year right there. For reals.

-AR

[via Deadline]

I saw Vince Neil’s solo band live once… I think this was around 2001/2002ish, but don’t quote me on that. Anyways, the show was at B.B. King’s, a venue that holds roughly 500 people (or so I’m told — it actually looks way smaller to me), and it was reasonably crowded — tickets were like twenty bucks or something reasonable like that. Vince’s voice sounded like shit, which is nothing new, but he took advantage of the small space by playing a requests-only show. I’m totally serious: The band opened with “Kickstart My Heart,” but after that, Vince literally let people in the crowd shout out song titles, and then the band played ‘em. I think they only turned one person down ’cause they didn’t know the song; for the most part, they were like a Motley Crue jukebox, with a real-live member of Motley Crue leading the charge. So even though we were all watching a fat, winded version of an old hero, it was still pretty fun, ’cause Neil wisely made the show as fan-friendly as he possibly could.

But I guess he’s not doing that anymore, ’cause Metal Insider’s Bram Teitelman caught his gig at the 1,800 person capacity Irving Plaza last week, and does not have nice things to say. For one thing, tickets were $35, without a name opening act, and while the setlist had ten songs on it, the band only played nine. Nine songs for a $35 headlining set. Sheesh.

But wait! It gets worse. Says Teitelman:

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In Hollywood, it’s important to be a good collaborator. By that I mean you often have to plaster on a smile at the conference table, while behind the scenes you’re part of a mass bitchfight for credit and payout. But it’s not always a simple tit-for-tat. Sure, you want your due (and paycheck), but sometimes it harms the product to have your ugly, worthless name in the credits. (Actually, those are the exact words used to rob me of producer points on Hot Tub Time Machine. Eat shit and die, Cusack.)

Conversely, it sometimes harms you to be attached nominally to a shameful shitfest like, say, Vince Neil’s autobiography. When I signed on to the project, it seemed like a piece of cake (I’d already written most of it anyway) and a good way to compete with awesome MS contributor Corey Mitchell (who even now is at work on Phil Anselmo’s forthcoming tome). But once the memoirs were set to go to print, it hit me: Vince Neil? This is a career-killer! What will the Suckalos think? Panic!! So, per my management, my contributions to Tequila, Turds, and Tattered Tank Tops (working title) were re-written and my name removed from the cover. (I also agreed to be compensated in Vicodin.)

The good news is that, judging from new excerpts, Vince’s team found a way to retain all the Anso-style vitriol and reckless name-calling. So my rep stays clean, but the metal community still profits from all the harsh, hidden truths of Motleydom. We all win! Here’s Neil (and me) on Nikki Sixx:

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So now TMZ has spoken to a rep for the hotel in Vegas where Vince Neil allegedly assaulted some woman (I guess her name is Jessica Radovicz) in an elevator ’cause she didn’t recognize him, and said hotel rep claims that security camera footage and eye-witness accounts demonstrates “that her allegations against Vince Neil are completely unfounded.” Which may be true. I completely buy that some money grubbing twit would accuse Vince Neil of hitting her so she could sue.

But it’s not hard to understand why the money grubbing twit in question would choose Neil as her target — ’cause the story seems completely plausible. It’s not like someone accused Paul Masvidal of setting a room full of adorable puppies on fire or something else that sounds completely out of the ordinary; someone accused a degenerate scumbag with a history of behaving as such of doing something very degenerate scumbaggy.

If Vince Neil doesn’t wanna get allegations like this tossed at him, he needs to stop doing things like, say, getting arrested for DUI and then laughing about it. Otherwise, this whole thing is like the equivalent of Hannibal Lecter going “See? I TOLD you I didn’t eat those people!”

-AR

Whether he’s being too winded to sing the lyrics to his songs, getting liposuction on VH1, killing and maiming people as part of a drunk driving accident in which he was the drunk driver, demonstrating that he leaned nothing from that incident by getting arrested for DUI more than two decades later, or showing no remorse for that DUI by joking about how much he loves drinking a few days after the arrest, there’s no denying this simple fact: Vince Neil is a classy dude. Classier than you, classier than me, classier than anyone most people will ever know. I half-expect him to start wearing a monocle and smoking with a cigarette holder, he’s so classy.

TMZ reports on Neil’s latest attempt to win the “Classiest Dude Ever” award:

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During Hair Metal Week here on MetalSucks, the prize for Completely Unreadable Band Logo of the Week was a mix of glam songs compiled by yours truly. I know some of the entrants wanted me to post the track listing for that mix, and now that it’s finally completed (I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to mixes) and the winner, Ash Patterson, tells me he’s received his prize, it’s time to publish that track list, so you can all compile your own mix at home should you so choose.

I tried to pick songs that either a) were by bands I think most people have long since forgotten about, or b) were less famous entries in the oeuvre of more well-known bands. Hopefully those of you who actually like this kind of music will dig this.

Here’s the track list:

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One day mankind will go extinct and the remains of our civilization will later be picked over by aliens. Though they can speedily assemble collections of most homo erectus artifacts for their alien museums, their super-brains will struggle to grasp and group the arts of Earth, y’know, for their encyclopedias and stuff. So it’s in the interest of preserving and defining Glam Metal across the cosmos that we at MetalSucks have counted down the Ten Best Must-Have Glam Metal Albums. We even tapped in to the genius of Bring Back Glam‘s Allyson B. Crawford to give it that “definitive text” feel. (Read part one, part two, part three)

Thanks to Allyson and our Anso DF, Glam Metal will live on in other worlds long after our planet has become a barren hellscape. That’s comforting. Here’s the number one Best Must-Have Glam Metal Album! So, come now children of the beast, be strong and …

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We now rejoin Allyson B. Crawford (Bring Back Glam!) and Anso DF (MetalSucks) and their riveting analysis of Glam Metal’s Ten Best Must-Have Records.

Get caught up on yesterday’s action here.

***

7. TRASH - Alice Cooper

July 25, 1989 // Epic Records // p: Desmond Child

The hits: “Poison” “Bed of Nails” “House of Fire” “Only My Heart Talkin’”

The heart: “Hell Is Living Without You” “Spark In The Dark” “I’m Your Gun”

Anso: So by 1989′s Trash, Coop had been in a booze stupor for like seven straight albums. The good news was that his successful comeback tour inspired some check-writing at Epic Records. But that support came with strict control, or at least that’s what the presence of Bon Jovi/Kiss/Aerosmith/Ratt hit-maker Desmond Child implies. So Allyson, what’s your stance on Desmond Child?

Allyson: I got to interview Alice Cooper once. One of the highlights of my life, I swear. The man rules. He was all about sobriety when we spoke and I think that’s awesome. Now, Desmond Child. Oh my. I’ve written about him before on Bring Back Glam!. I suppose he is — no, he is a genius, but damn. Aerosmith is my favorite band of all time and Child sort of took away their grit. So that hurt. But for some people he really, really helped and that’s Alice Cooper. Alice needed a hit for a new generation and Trash came along at the right time, didn’t it? Oh and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to meet and interview Desmond Child, so there you go.

Anso: Hey, same here! His stuff is mega-cheesy, but so are delicious Cheetos. Plus, Detonator rules, so it’s easy to forgive misfires like “I Was Made For Lovin’ You.” Oh and of course I warmed to him after VH1 aired that hilarious footage of his collaboration with (and antagonism of) Vince Neil. You saw that right? “Hello-o! Successs!”

Allyson: Yeah, I’ve seen that. Oh, I’ve seen it.

Anso: Okay, Trash was buffed up by a full whack of celebrity guests: Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi, Kip Winger, Guy Mann-Dude, Steve Lukather, and 80% of Aerosmith. I suppose they helped pull chicks and young people to this old man record. Did these guys make Trash more attractive to you in any way?

Allyson: Because I’m a chick? Well, here’s the thing about me. I’ll agree there are some hot guys in rock, but that doesn’t mean much to me when it comes to music I like. If the song rocks, awesome. If not, okay. I like tons of music that is mocked — often right here on MetalSucks, ha! — and I always “go my own way if you will.” Trash is awesome to me because I love the songs. “Only My Heart Talkin’” is a great love song, a completely different type of power ballad. But, back to guests. I usually don’t care about guest stars on albums. I buy records because I want to hear the real band — not a slew of guests, you know?

Anso: Yeah. I’m not an Alice Cooper scholar, but I’ll wager that Trash is his sexiest record. It’s a bit uncomfortable to hear a 41-year old Coop describe passionate banging.

Allyson: As you know, my dear Anso, sexy is in the eyes of the beholder.

Anso: Hey, let’s talk about Trash‘s super-hit, “Poison.” Can you think of any single in history with such a memorably quirky riff? It’s awesome on its own and I love how they set it against different chords in the intro.

Allyson: So I’ve talked to Alice guitarist Keri Kelli a few times. Once I said I was frustrated trying to learn bass and guitar parts for some Alice songs. And Keri said something like, “Look, if you want to learn ‘Poison’ it’s just going to take awhile.” This frustrated me because I have little patience. I think I got off the phone with Keri, looked at the guitar and then sat down with a bag of chips or something. Anyway, yes, “Poison” is freaking epic. One of the best songs of the ’80s. Then again, Alice is a master. I love when the band performs “Poison” live. The crowd always goes batshit crazy.

Anso: What else makes you love this record?

Allyson: Hmm. It’s the sum of its parts I guess. I think all the songs fit well together, there’s not really a dud and the album helped push Alice to the top again. The cover photo is iconic. It was in magazines first and then Alice chose it as his cover — so I remember seeing the image of Alice everywhere as a kid. I had this instant connection to the record I suppose.

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Not Sam Kinison

Well, gee, Jani Lane! We know you’re excited about hair metal week here on MetalSucks, but you didn’t have to do anything so dramatic! I mean, a guest blog would have been, like, totes satisfactory. Clearly, you have a sweet tooth. So perhaps even a recipe would have suffice? Maybe one for… cherry pie?

But, no. Not you, Jani. You had to go and make a STATEMENT, flamboyant showman that you are. You had to be sentenced to serve 120 days in prison for DUI. You’re a superstar!!!

Well, you sure did get our attention, Jani. What are you gonna do now? Your bitch tits are gonna look mighty fine to some of the fellas on the cellblock. Might-ee fine.

And so comes Jani’s statement: “I’m waiting for Vince Neil to show up, so we can celebrate being former skinny blonde dudes together.”

Oh, Jani. You scamp!

-AR

In 1984 Vince Neil went driving while drunk and subsequently killed or maimed three people, only one of whom had actually been stupid enough to get in the car with him. Then, last week, he was arrested in Vegas for drunk driving, demonstrating that the fateful night twenty-six years ago really had a long-lasting impact on him and the way he looks at life.

And how does Vince feel about his DUI? By all appearances, really, really guilty: Last Thursday, three days after the arrest, he asked a crowd in Vegas, “Who’s been drinking tequila tonight? Who’s gonna drink some tequila tonight?” And we know this happened ’cause TMZ has video of the incident.

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