One day mankind will go extinct and the remains of our civilization will later be picked over by aliens. Though they can speedily assemble collections of most homo erectus artifacts for their alien museums, their super-brains will struggle to grasp and group the arts of Earth, y’know, for their encyclopedias and stuff. So it’s in the interest of preserving and defining Glam Metal across the cosmos that we at MetalSucks have counted down the Ten Best Must-Have Glam Metal Albums. We even tapped in to the genius of Bring Back Glam‘s Allyson B. Crawford to give it that “definitive text” feel. (Read part one, part two, part three)

Thanks to Allyson and our Anso DF, Glam Metal will live on in other worlds long after our planet has become a barren hellscape. That’s comforting. Here’s the number one Best Must-Have Glam Metal Album! So, come now children of the beast, be strong and …

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We now rejoin Allyson B. Crawford (Bring Back Glam!) and Anso DF (MetalSucks) and their riveting analysis of Glam Metal’s Ten Best Must-Have Records.

Get caught up on yesterday’s action here.

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7. TRASH - Alice Cooper

July 25, 1989 // Epic Records // p: Desmond Child

The hits: “Poison” “Bed of Nails” “House of Fire” “Only My Heart Talkin’”

The heart: “Hell Is Living Without You” “Spark In The Dark” “I’m Your Gun”

Anso: So by 1989′s Trash, Coop had been in a booze stupor for like seven straight albums. The good news was that his successful comeback tour inspired some check-writing at Epic Records. But that support came with strict control, or at least that’s what the presence of Bon Jovi/Kiss/Aerosmith/Ratt hit-maker Desmond Child implies. So Allyson, what’s your stance on Desmond Child?

Allyson: I got to interview Alice Cooper once. One of the highlights of my life, I swear. The man rules. He was all about sobriety when we spoke and I think that’s awesome. Now, Desmond Child. Oh my. I’ve written about him before on Bring Back Glam!. I suppose he is — no, he is a genius, but damn. Aerosmith is my favorite band of all time and Child sort of took away their grit. So that hurt. But for some people he really, really helped and that’s Alice Cooper. Alice needed a hit for a new generation and Trash came along at the right time, didn’t it? Oh and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to meet and interview Desmond Child, so there you go.

Anso: Hey, same here! His stuff is mega-cheesy, but so are delicious Cheetos. Plus, Detonator rules, so it’s easy to forgive misfires like “I Was Made For Lovin’ You.” Oh and of course I warmed to him after VH1 aired that hilarious footage of his collaboration with (and antagonism of) Vince Neil. You saw that right? “Hello-o! Successs!”

Allyson: Yeah, I’ve seen that. Oh, I’ve seen it.

Anso: Okay, Trash was buffed up by a full whack of celebrity guests: Richie Sambora and Jon Bon Jovi, Kip Winger, Guy Mann-Dude, Steve Lukather, and 80% of Aerosmith. I suppose they helped pull chicks and young people to this old man record. Did these guys make Trash more attractive to you in any way?

Allyson: Because I’m a chick? Well, here’s the thing about me. I’ll agree there are some hot guys in rock, but that doesn’t mean much to me when it comes to music I like. If the song rocks, awesome. If not, okay. I like tons of music that is mocked — often right here on MetalSucks, ha! — and I always “go my own way if you will.” Trash is awesome to me because I love the songs. “Only My Heart Talkin’” is a great love song, a completely different type of power ballad. But, back to guests. I usually don’t care about guest stars on albums. I buy records because I want to hear the real band — not a slew of guests, you know?

Anso: Yeah. I’m not an Alice Cooper scholar, but I’ll wager that Trash is his sexiest record. It’s a bit uncomfortable to hear a 41-year old Coop describe passionate banging.

Allyson: As you know, my dear Anso, sexy is in the eyes of the beholder.

Anso: Hey, let’s talk about Trash‘s super-hit, “Poison.” Can you think of any single in history with such a memorably quirky riff? It’s awesome on its own and I love how they set it against different chords in the intro.

Allyson: So I’ve talked to Alice guitarist Keri Kelli a few times. Once I said I was frustrated trying to learn bass and guitar parts for some Alice songs. And Keri said something like, “Look, if you want to learn ‘Poison’ it’s just going to take awhile.” This frustrated me because I have little patience. I think I got off the phone with Keri, looked at the guitar and then sat down with a bag of chips or something. Anyway, yes, “Poison” is freaking epic. One of the best songs of the ’80s. Then again, Alice is a master. I love when the band performs “Poison” live. The crowd always goes batshit crazy.

Anso: What else makes you love this record?

Allyson: Hmm. It’s the sum of its parts I guess. I think all the songs fit well together, there’s not really a dud and the album helped push Alice to the top again. The cover photo is iconic. It was in magazines first and then Alice chose it as his cover — so I remember seeing the image of Alice everywhere as a kid. I had this instant connection to the record I suppose.

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Not Sam Kinison

Well, gee, Jani Lane! We know you’re excited about hair metal week here on MetalSucks, but you didn’t have to do anything so dramatic! I mean, a guest blog would have been, like, totes satisfactory. Clearly, you have a sweet tooth. So perhaps even a recipe would have suffice? Maybe one for… cherry pie?

But, no. Not you, Jani. You had to go and make a STATEMENT, flamboyant showman that you are. You had to be sentenced to serve 120 days in prison for DUI. You’re a superstar!!!

Well, you sure did get our attention, Jani. What are you gonna do now? Your bitch tits are gonna look mighty fine to some of the fellas on the cellblock. Might-ee fine.

And so comes Jani’s statement: “I’m waiting for Vince Neil to show up, so we can celebrate being former skinny blonde dudes together.”

Oh, Jani. You scamp!

-AR

In 1984 Vince Neil went driving while drunk and subsequently killed or maimed three people, only one of whom had actually been stupid enough to get in the car with him. Then, last week, he was arrested in Vegas for drunk driving, demonstrating that the fateful night twenty-six years ago really had a long-lasting impact on him and the way he looks at life.

And how does Vince feel about his DUI? By all appearances, really, really guilty: Last Thursday, three days after the arrest, he asked a crowd in Vegas, “Who’s been drinking tequila tonight? Who’s gonna drink some tequila tonight?” And we know this happened ’cause TMZ has video of the incident.

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Since Axl and I are very patriotic types (couldn’t you tell?) we’ve decide to close the Mansion a bit early this holiday weekend so we can get to the flag-waving festivities as soon as possible.

Kidding! We’re closing early so we can get hiiiiigh and then go see FAITH NO FUCKING MORE! Neither one of us having seen FNM before (although I had a chance to in 1997 and, for some reason, didn’t), we’ve literally been waiting for this moment for most of our lives. We will not be schmoozing with the industry types at a bar in the back, nor will we be politely bobbing our heads on the periphery somewhere… we’ll be right up fucking front, rocking the fuck out as hard as possible (old fashioned push-pit? I hope). To that end, I’m pretty sure we won’t even be drinking tonight; me because I want to remember this night perfectly, and Axl because he doesn’t wanna have to go pee-pee during the show. The man is smart, I tell you.

Here’s what happened this week in the world of metal:

• Van Halen announced plans for a DLR-fronted album in early 2011. Axl is — shockingly — skeptical.
• As part of “Be Nice Day” at the MS Mansion, we said nothing mean about new videos from Hellyeah and Papa Roach.
• We looked at new releases by Bonded by Blood (as part of “Be Nice Day”!), Ceremony and The Ghost Inside, Mastodon, Chambers, and Nattsol.
• We premiered a new track by NJ progressive post-hardcore mind-fuckers East of the Wall.
• We spoke with Warrel Dane of Nevermore and Sanctuary, and Jon Fine about Taco Riffs.
• We sat in on the meeting in which Disturbed brainstormed the artwork for their new album.
• Glenn Danzig is a crappy driver, but Vince Neil is an even crappier one.

Since July 4th falls on a Sunday this year, the gates of the Mansion will be shuttered on Monday, July 5th — like most U.S. businesses — so we can extend the partying by an extra day. See you Tuesday, Suckers.

-VN

So according to Radar Online, Vince Neil was arrested this morning in Las Vegas.  ”What as the charge?” you ask? Did he get busted with drugs? Smack a porn start? Did the LVPD finally come to their senses and arrest him for crimes against good taste?

Nope. He was arrested for… suspicion of DUI.

Vince Neil. The man who, in 1984, killed Hanoi Rocks drummer Razzle and seriously injured two passengers in another car because he was driving drunk. The man who has been charged with vehicular manslaughter. This guy. Was driving drunk.

WHAT A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I don’t know why I’m surprised. Neil obviously doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself. And Motley Crue practically made a joke out of his previous exploits when they named their box set Music To Crash Your Car To.

Classy.

Seriously, what a dick. Can we all agree right now that if Neil is convicted, his feet and hands should be cut off so he can never drive again? I mean, you could do something less severe like just revoke his license forever, but I think it’s important that this fuckhead really get the message this time, don’t you?

-AR

Why is it that drummers have a habit of wearing basketball jerseys on stage? Tool’s Daney Carey constantly rocks his Lakers jersey (though dude, whatup with the t-shirt underneath? that’s like wearing socks with sandals.), and Dream Theater’s Mike Portnoy is rarely seen on stage without a jersey of some kind (though to be fair, he also sports baseball and hockey jerseys). But it was actually this video of Vince Neil’s solo band drummer Zoltan Chaney doing his usual crazy routine that got me thinking.

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So Rocklahoma, the once cock-rockalicious festival, may be a wash this year, but it seems that there’s already a new fest to grab ahold of the Aquanet and let us relive our youth gone wile: Rock N America, which take place from July 23 to July 25 in – get this – Oklahoma. Huh.

The line-up basically plays like a who’s who of who shoulda been playing Rocklahoma this year: Scorpions, Twisted Sister, Ratt, Warrant, Dokken, Great White, Enuff Z’Nuff, Bullet Boys, Faster Pussycat, and the Tracii Guns/Jizzy Pearl version of L.A. Guns are all the bill. More bands will be announced soon; in my imagination that will include whatever is passing for Skid Row these days, Vince Neil, Adler’s Appetite, Beautiful Creatures and/or Bang Tango, and the other version of L.A. Guns. But who knows.

It is worth noting that the fest will take place at the Zoo Amphitheatre, which a) has a smaller capacity than the giant open fields of Rocklahoma and b) isn’t just a cool name from some venue, but, rather, is called the “Zoo Amphitheatre” because it’s actually at the fucking zoo. So unless it’s always been Chip Z’Nuff’s dream to play for a crowd of zebras, this isn’t going to be quite the event that Rocklahoma was for these bands.

Still, you should visit the Rock N America website, even if you’re not really interested in attending the show, because, well, it’s like the shittiest website of 1994 and is consequently pretty hilarious.

-AR

[via Bring Back Glam]

Yes, it’s true. Because Brides of Destruction, Methods of Mayhem, Sixx A.M., and Tommy Lee and Vince Neil’s solo efforts all burned up the charts, Mick Mars has decided to follow in the footsteps of the rest of his Crue and try his hand at making a solo album. It’s no surprise that it took Mick this long to catch up with the other guys, seeing as he is now made mostly of stone.

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Thursday’s big announcement of Aerosmith’s reconciliation (and tour!) kinda ensured that I’d spend all afternoon hiding a conspicuous boner. Even so, it was nice to exhale after months spent watching helplessly as Steven Tyler threatened to diva his way out of earth’s last rock ‘n roll band and into the world of tragically misguided solo careers. But perhaps Tyler’s new representation successfully conveyed to him the probable result of such a move: Either he could bank on big tours as Aerosmith frontman with, say, Motley Crue, or risk co-headlining casinos with Vince Neil. Scary! Tyler’s personal “brand” goes unmentioned in the band’s, uh, statement, so the Tyler/Neil Sadness + Shame Tour might happen someday for all we know. For now, Tyler and the ancient men of Aerosmith are now girding up their loins for a few more awesome gigs. And I say, Hell yes. Hell yes, I say.

My slavish hanging on the balls of Aerosmith is embarrassing, but I can’t help it that my ears are gay.  Also, I follow an example set by James Malone of Arsis, whose love of silly bands is expressed without hesitation. It’s shameful to forever drag the poor guy down with me whenever I feel insecure about my, uh, proclivities, and shit, actually, the whole point of mentioning Aerosmith was to hurry along* my drooling praise of the new fucking Arsis record, Starve For The Devil, which is a pure white beam of awesomeness. So it’s all connected, friends. Plus, Malone and Tyler each have some totally understandable rehab time in their recent past. Actually, if some jerk writer wanted to recklessly jump to pat conclusions, he’d assert that S4tD seems to reflect a victory in Malone’s personal battles; it’s still Arsis, but bigger, better, and way more fun! To get the idea, imagine 2008′s We Are The Nightmare but expand it sonically and rhythmically tenfold in every direction. Then imagine snappy lyrics, riffs that aren’t so needlessly busy, and grooves that jam. Then imagine your last $15 angrily demanding to be spent on a crisp new copy of Starve For The Devil.

- ADF

*That is, I wanted to be brief about Arsis to allow for about three hours of Aerosmith karaoke tonight.

When I sat down to watch “Tattoos and Tequila,” the new video for the title track from Vince Neil’s forthcoming solo album, I was expecting something terrible. But I gotta hand it Vince Neil – he always finds creative ways to reach new platitudes of suck. This video is ridiculous, which is fine, but you really, really need to listen to the lyrics to get the full “What the fuck?”ness of it all.

Jeff Blando (from Slaughter) does an okay job with the generic, wah-heavy guitar solo, but really, the only cool thing about this is his awesome drummer, Zoltan Chaney (no, not that douche bag). I’m obligated to tell you that the album will be out in May, but you’ve probably already forgotten what you’re reading about right now.

-AR

I really wanted to like this book. I really did.

As an old school Hanoi Rocks fan, I assumed this would be an eye-opening tell-all by the man behind the band that spawned sleaze rock which was later ripped off by Guns N’ Roses and lesser lights such as L.A. Guns and Faster Pussycat. Instead, it’s just a big ol’ mess of discombobulated anecdotes that do not enlighten the uninitiated, enthrall those already on board the Hanoi train, nor excite undiscerning lovers of rock ‘n roll.

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I write books and also for MetalSucks so it’s about time I reviewed some metal books. I’ll start with a few rock autobiographies that have been out for awhile. First up is Nikki Sixx of Mötley Crüe and his needle gazing memoir The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star.

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I know exactly two people who will be really really excited that Vince Neil is working on a new solo album: me and Axl. Woot woot!

Some time in 1993 Axl dubbed me a tape; on one side was Living Colour’s Stain, and on the other side Vince Neil’s first solo record Exposed. My life was changed forever. While my namesake hasn’t managed to hold onto much any credibility in the years since, Exposed still holds up thanks in no small part to the guitar wizardry of the indomitable Steve “Jew from the Bronx changed my name to be a rockstar” Stevens.

While I’m not sure who’s even in Neil’s solo band at the moment (Keri Kelli?) I’m certain it isn’t Stevens, making this record circumspect from the getgo. Not that there aren’t other good guitar players out there but let’s face it, Neil’s a complete hack who definitely needs song written for him ala Ozzy, nahmean? So let’s (as in me and Axl) just agree to be cautiously optimistic about this one.

Here’s Neil w/ Stevens performing “Look In Her Eyes” in Chicago in 1993.

-VN

You know when you know you’ve got too many greatest hits albums? When more than one of them are called Greatest Hits.

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This is a story about a band I don’t care about getting involved in some drama with a band I haven’t cared about in at least fifteen years. But it’s still kinda amusing, so I’m posting it.

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This live footage of Morgan Rose filling in for the injured Tommy Lee on drums with Motley Crue this past weekend is really entertaining. I mean, you get to see Vince Neil, who still can’t remember all the words to his own songs / gets winded after about two lines, and that in itself is always funny. And you get to see Mick Mars, who despite his status as the walking dead can still wail out those solos pretty well. But best of all, you get to see Morgan Rose, one of the greatest drummers on the planet in terms of pure, raw talent, rock through a set of songs he hadn’t heard in years for which he had zero time to prepare.

It seems that Tommy Lee burned his hand and couldn’t play. There’s video floating around of Tommy coming out on stage at this show and explaining the situation to the audience; as usual, he sounds like a total idiot. So the band flew out Sevendust’s Morgan Rose from Atlanta last minute, day of the fucking show, to fill in on drums. I know what you’re thinking… Motley songs ain’t too complicated drum-wise and they just play all the hits anyway. VRONG. This is the Dr. Feelgood tour in which the band plays the entire album start to finish, deep cuts and all, plus the usual smattering of greatest hits. Rose comes out and fucking nails it all. I love how in these clips you can see Nikki Sixx communicating with Rose about when the changes happen in the song, or when to end, or when to begin. THAT is fucking pure musicianship that can’t be taught. You either have it or you don’t. And Rose most certainly has it.

Check out “Same ol’ Situation” below and “Dr. Feelgood” after the jump.

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First Maynard, now this.

Look: I fucking love Vegas. I was there for New Year’s once and I think I had pretty much the best fucking night of my life.

But part of what’s so fun about that town is how friggin’ ridiculous everything is; it can’t be taken seriously at all, and if you try to take it seriously, you’ll probably just give yourself an aneurysm. As a place to go spend a couple of days drunk and act like a total dip shit, I think Las Vegas is just swell – but I think if I had to live in there, I’d kill myself.

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Of the MetalSucks Mansion inhabitants only Gary Suarez was (reportedly) man enough to attend the shit-hot Dillinger Escape Plan ticket (w/ new drummer!) at The Studio room of NYC’s Webster Hall on Saturday night, part of a brief 3-date East Coast DEP jaunt. While I was happily sleeping off the sedative effects of a 10-course outdoor Snow BBQ (that brisket… holy fuck!!), the video warriors of Metal Injection snuck in a hand-held video camera and captured 5 songs, among them a cover of hometown heroes Living Colour’s now-classic “Cult of Personality.” Unlike previous DEP cover experiments that sailed right over the heads of Warped Tour attendees not even born by the time F.U.C.K. came out let alone 1984, the hipper and older NYC audience lapped that shit right out of Greg Puciato’s bodyglove. Watch as the band tears the house down and Ben Weinman rips through Vernon Reid’s metal-jazz-gasm solo like Vince Neil through a new pair of jeans.

-VN

Am I the only who finds Vince Neil’s recent statement that when playing live he tries sing as true to the records as possible completely ludicrous?

You have to really enjoy what you’re doing and try to deliver the songs to the people out there the way they want to hear it. I try to stay as close to the records as possible because I hate going to see a singer who sings it differently. It drives me crazy.

I guess the operative word here is “try.” Anyone who’s seen Vince Neil perform live knows that when he isn’t holding out the mic over the audience to let the crowd do his job for him, his completely winded fat ass is half-assing his way through every third word.

When asked for comment on the matter, Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee simply said, “Yeeeeahh boooyyyy!”

-VN

[ The Desert Post Weekly]