So, the regular season is a quarter of the way through and we can separate the good from the not so good. I’ve compiled a quick list of suggestions for certain teams (Bills, Lions, Panthers and ’9ers) to claw their way back to the top. Where muscles and tattoos used to intimidate the enemy, today’s athletes are on ‘roids and look like human coloring books. Here are some ideas that are outside of the box.

Suggestion 1: Have your entire defensive line eat a bunch of Mexican food for breakfast and chase it with a ton of castor oil.

As they shit themselves and vomit all over their opponents’ front line, the distraction, if not the smell alone, will clear a direct path to the QB. I’m not sure how many times this’ll work, seeing as if a human vomits and has diarrhea for the length of a football game they’ll be dead, but it might get at least one slash in the win column.

A quick example: There was a young lady who won the Boston Marathon while having her “lady event” and also pooping. Was she a great runner or did no one want to come close to her? It’s a sports mystery.

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It was a mostly Metallica week here at the MS Mansion, but it turns out that some other stuff happened too. In summary:

• We re-christened the site MetallicaSucks.net for a day — all of our writers each reviewed Death Magnetic to varying praise (or lack thereof).
• God Forbid debuted a new song. We likee. You likee.
• Lars Ulrich gave us tips for appearing taller than you really are, and Ronnie James Dio gave us hair care pointers.
• We spoke with Suicide Silence, Walls of Jericho and 36 Crazyfists.
• Saigon Kick will kick again in ’09.

Also, we wrote a whole lot of other shit about Metallica or something. Next week we’ll be back to our usual shenanigans. Enjoy your weekend!

Walls of Jericho were the last band Axl and Vince expected to be impressed by on the Rockstar Mayhem Festival; it’s no secret that MetalSucks has not exactly been WOJ-friendly in the past (see Sammy O’Hagar’s not-so-glowing review of the band’s new album, The American Dream, here).

And yet, there’s no denying that they completely won over the crowd at the fest’s Long Island tour stop; due in no small part to the incredible energy of vocalist Candace Kucsulain, Walls of Jericho actually attracted an increasingly large audience during the course of their set, and had, far and away, the biggest pit of any second stage band for the entire day. It’s difficult to imagine that they didn’t gain a lot of new fans with that performance.

Later in the night, Axl and Vince got to sit down with guitarist Chris Rawson and pick his brain about the tour, the band’s new album, the evolving sound of Metallica, and even American economics. Read the full transcript after the jump.

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A very, very, VERY special thanks to Rosa Henriquez for the awesome photos. Now we’re that much closer to being like a real big kids’ website!

I think one of the things Slipknot’s fans love most about them is one of the very same qualities that their detractors so violently hold against them: their theatricality. I mean, these are nine dudes who dress up in matching outfits and wear “spooky” masks. The band’s members talk about death metal an awful lot, and, musically speaking, that influence is certainly present. But aesthetically, they belong to a line of bands like Kiss and Motley Crue. They’re showmen.

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As Vince has already explained, we were at Mayhem Fest yesterday, and in the coming days we’ll have a full review, photos, interviews with everyone from Mastodon to Machine Head, and all that good stuff.

But really quickly, I just wanna talk about the highlight of the day’s activities – an incredible performance by a supergroup going by the moniker Ladder Up an Ass (And yes, it’s “an Ass,” not “the Ass” or “Your Ass” – it’s a non-specific ladder and a non-specific ass.). Because while some members of the band seemed to think it was a one-off performance, no one ruled the possibility of more surprise appearances on upcoming Mayhem dates. And if you go to Mayhem in the coming weeks and happen to hear that Ladder Up an Ass are playing, YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST DROP EVERYTHING AND GO SEE THEM.

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It’s arguably true that being unoriginal or sickeningly mediocre is a greater sin than being terrible. To be terrible means trying something and failing spectacularly; mediocrity involves just enough effort not to fail but lacks the vision to contribute anything of worth or merit. Nowhere is this more true than in the narrow but populous world of hardcore. It’s (once again) arguably easier to respect a hardcore band that’s simply terrible than to praise one for being just another bunch of dudes playing your local VFW with the same assembly line mosh parts that have been kicked around (pardon the pun) for the better part of the last two decades. In a realm where the same album is being made under the name of hundreds of different bands, facelessness is an unforgivable offense. For The American Dream, Walls of Jericho’s latest full length, to be touted as anything more than just another metal/hardcore album is a gross, gross overstatement. Instead of reinventing the wheel, the band simply keep rolling along with it, no matter how bald the tires are.

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You can listen to it on their MySpace page if you want.

It’s called “The American Dream.” I can’t understand what the singer is saying but if I was a bettin’ man, I’d wager the lyrics aren’t really about rising to the top via good, hard work and due dilligence. Tom Morello must be so proud.

The band also has a new album coming out. I’d tell you more, but I get bored just thinking about it.

I think I’m gonna go take a nap.

-AR