I don’t think anyone would actually equate Matt Pike’s recent good-vibe poolside interview to the famous so-sad-it’s-not-even-funny pool interview with W.A.S.P.’s Chris Holmes, but I definitely got flashes of the latter in this highly entertaining clip from Soundwave T.V. For one, Matt Pike seems to generally love life and be stoked on just about everything as opposed to being a pathetic sad-sack, and Pike strikes me as a much more down-to-earth working man than Holmes was. But this is MetalSucks, so you be the judge:
There are a lot of metal and metal-related movies out there. There are classics like This is Spinal Tap, which I’ve introduced to countless people, all of whom eventually admitted to loving it. And of course, every metalhead worth his or her Woolite Dark knows the answer to the question “Who’d win in a wrestling match, Lemmy or God?” Detroit Rock City is one of my favorite movies, which is a little odd, because I don’t particularly like KISS, although I do enjoy fire and explosions. And no account of metal movies would be complete without the celluoid genocide that was Rockstar. No matter how god-awful that movie was (though it’s still one of my top “bad” movies to watch), every single person in the civilized world knows the words to “Stand Up and Shout” — and I don’t mean the Dio song. They play it at my alma mater’s hockey games.
And on top of those films, there are the documentary explorations of the genre, which gave us such memorable moments like Chris Holmes from W.A.S.P. chugging vodka in a pool while is mom watches miserably in Decline of Western Civilization Part II.
I am here to add another illustrious title to this collection of cinemetal classics. I will show you exactly how Cool As Ice is a metal movie, and not a rap one, as everyone assumes. And I have various degrees in film, so you know my word is truth.
Thursday, November 11th, 2010 at 11:30am by Axl Rosenberg
On Tuesday night we got an e-mail from reader Taylor Carik, letting us know that he and a friend had gone to see Danzig at the Cabooze in Minneapolis earlier in the evening — only for Danzig to cancel the show at the last minute, “saying he didn’t like the venue.” Apparently the other bands on the tour played anyway, though — Taylor also told us that “Moduk was alright, too, for corpse paint.” And I know I should have immediately done some research to see if Danzig had, indeed, cancelled a gig because he didn’t like a venue, but I didn’t. I was far too interested in finding out who Moduk were. Corpse paint that can actually play music? That’s amazing! It takes the musicians who usually wear the corpse paint right out of the equation! IT COULD BE A REVOLUTION IN BLACK METAL!!! No longer would corpse paint be beholden to some asshole to make its art.
But while I was busy trying to track down this magical corpse paint, we got another e-mail, from a reader calling himself “Why Hate Abigail Williams?” (to which I can only reply, “Because they blow goats and like it?”), pointing us towards this report regarding the Danzig cancellation in question:
Monday, October 18th, 2010 at 12:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
W.A.S.P. have had a problem putting on drama-free shows as of late. They cancelled a few too many here in the States this year, and while the band actually managed to show up for their gig in Orebro, Sweden this past Friday night, they weren’t able to get through the concert without incident: Classic Rock tells us that a “drunken fan” bit the ear off of a security guard at the venue. As though there were such a thing as a sober W.A.S.P. fan.
More tragic, though, is that in addition to biting the poor guy’s ear off, the fan apparently “verbally attacked the guard.” I’m sure the guard’s feelings were very hurt.
Actually, anyone know if the fan verbally attacked the guard before or after he bit his ear off? ‘Cause if it was after, the guard might not have been able to hear it anyway.
Against everyone’s best judgment, Swedish officials announced that Blackie Lawless would still be allowed to live.
And no husband should, either. So what if Al Gore was actually a closet metal head, and his divorce from Tipper meant he could finally rock out with his cock out? This is the scenario painted by the always brilliant The Onion:
One day mankind will go extinct and the remains of our civilization will later be picked over by aliens. Though they can speedily assemble collections of most homo erectus artifacts for their alien museums, their super-brains will struggle to grasp and group the arts of Earth, y’know, for their encyclopedias and stuff. So it’s in the interest of preserving and defining Glam Metal across the cosmos that we at MetalSucks have counted down the Ten Best Must-Have Glam Metal Albums. We even tapped in to the genius of Bring Back Glam‘s Allyson B. Crawford to give it that “definitive text” feel. (Read part one, part two, part three)
Thanks to Allyson and our Anso DF, Glam Metal will live on in other worlds long after our planet has become a barren hellscape. That’s comforting. Here’s the number one Best Must-Have Glam Metal Album! So, come now children of the beast, be strong and …
Anso can have Steel Panther, Vince can have Ratt, and you, Reader, can have Quiet Riot (even though Frankie Banali played in W.A.S.P. for quite a while, Quiet Right still sucks in this guy’s book). Pretty much everyone in Mötley Crüe has proven to be a scuzzbag in one form or another aside from Mick Mars — the poor guy — but if we’re doling out Sunset Strip bands to worship (that don’t feature Axl Rose — no fair), let me get first dibs on W.A.S.P. Sure, my family looks at me a little weird and even my best friend doesn’t “get it” when I crank the iPod or put Inside The Electric Circus on the turntable, but what do they all know anyway?
As much as I love (most) hair metal and loathe (most) nu-metal, I do have to admit that there seems to be some unspoken ongoing competition between the two genres – not to see which one can sell the most records (I suspect that hair metal wins in that regard, given that those bands’ reign lasted longer, and occurred in a purely pre-internet error), but, rather, which genre can ultimately embarrass itself more. And while you’d think that any genre that routinely invited DJs in the fold would pretty much win in a cakewalk, some days I really do think that, nope, hair metal has more idiots.
For example: remember when some former members of Snot tried to re-form that group even though Lynn Strait is dead, and then, when that didn’t work out, they decided to reform under the name “Tons,” which, all you Einsteins will surely notice, is just “Snot” spelled backwards? That was pretty dumb, right? It would be hard to imagine a stupider scenario in which former members of a famous band try to re-form under a different name, but are sure to choose one that lets everyone know their point of origin.
But if you can’t imagine a stupider scenario, it’s not because you’re lacking in creativity; it’s simply because you’re not stupid enough. But Chris Holmes is stupid enough. He some other former members of W.A.S.P. have formed Where Angels Suffer, or – yep yep! – W.A.S.
They named their band “W.A.S.” Just let that sink in for a minute.
I almost feel bad for these dudes who are so desperately clinging to the glories of their past just to put food on the table, but then again, this:
1. Endure a political lecture from Blackie Lawless.
2. Take an I.Q. exam designed by Korn fans.
3. Pose for a Paul Stanley-painted portrait of my taint for his next exhibit.
4. Try to teach my dog to play The Binary Code’s “Suspension of Disbelief” on the ukulele.
5. Watch Lita Ford and Jim Gillette fuck, then Tweet about it.
6. Help produce British Steel Drums: The World’s Most Irritating Tribute to Judas Priest.
7. Let Marilyn Manson spit in my mouth.
8. Let the dude from Weedeater clean his gun while it’s aimed directly at my face.
9. Tie Billy Milano to my penis and toss him over the side of a roof.
10. Pretend to be a solicitor, call the Dio residence, and ask if Ronnie is available.
I get bummed out when a girl breaks up with me, but it’s kinda fun in a way, right? I just love that moment in the End of Relationship talk when the break-upper can no longer resist loudly listing my faults. Sure, most girls will attempt to execute the break-up humanely ,without telling me the reasons in explicit terms. But if needled, coerced, and (if all else fails) brow-beaten, any departing ladyfriend will be happy to smash through that veneer of kindness and read me the fucking riot act.
This is when I’m in my element, ’cause it’s hilarious to hear the exact same shit every time, like Groundhog Day or W.A.S.P. albums. The first complaint, accompanied by a chuckle, is usually a variation of “Dude, you’re quite stupid. Seriously.” The next is delivered with a bit of sensitivity, lest I lash out in denial: “Anso, you display persistent symptoms of [insert mental illness here]. Get help.” Then, in most cases, we move on to my more tangible failings: the pervasive vulgarity, the sociopath’s disregard for human life and rights of property, drugs, NBA mania, manipulation, hair rock fandom, paranoia, spitting, reckless driving, cheapness, violent sleepwalking, and everything else.
I’ve found that it makes a fun game to shout out the complaints as she’s saying them, followed by a “JINX! You owe me a Coke!” Sometimes, I can even harmonize if she and I agree in advance on a key. (Tip: Try Dm, the saddest of all keys.)
It’s a little known fact that MetalSucks co-jefe Vince Neilstein (pictured here with partner Axl Rosenberg) is a power-mad tyrant who controls the MS writer corps with manipulation and implicit threats of violence. Yeah, he seems like a cool guy, really, but would you believe that he can intercept my brainwaves via mobile phone? Or that I’m certain he is responsible for the invisible helicopter that’s been following me since St. Patty’s? Oh, you think I’m crazy? And paranoid? So, okay, I see you’d have me believe it’s just coincidence that my favorite toothpaste went on sale the day after I bought a tube. Wake the fuck up, dude. It’s all Neilstein. He’s everywhere and nowhere, an evil puppet master always wanting more, more, MORE from the once-mighty writers whom he has enslaved. Cross him and pay the price.
Well, mind control must be draining Neilstein’s lifeforce lately because the usual neighborhood dogs haven’t accosted me and barked his commands since last month, when an unleashed great dane warned me to “rop riting arout rAerosmith ror relse.” No, now he’s keeping it simple, all casually mentioning The Apex Theory in MetalSucks last week as though he had no knowledge of my secret, shameful plans to revive print discussion of that very band on this very site. Sure, an unsuspecting reader will see his Apex piece as an innocent bit of pithy writing, oblivious to the coded messages within that order us MS underlings to forgo rest and hygiene to write endlessly about stuff like the impact of Steve Vai-era Whitesnake and The Top 10 Worst Metal Bands Whose Cumulative Age is 95. How can you all be so blind?
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010 at 3:00pm by Axl Rosenberg
UPDATE: Apparently Blackie broke out after refusing to pay the club a $198 food bill. Classy dude. Get the full skinny at SMN.
The cancellation of last week’s W.A.S.P. show here in New York was allegedly for very noble reasons – the promoters were charging fans extra for a meet and greet session, which is apparently a big no-no in W.A.S.P.-land – but why did the band cancel another concert last night, this time in Allentown, PA? Metal Insider’s Bram Teitelman (who cleverly suggests that W.A.S.P. must stand for “We Are Screwing Promoters”) did some investigating, and it seems that the reasons behind the cancellation were not quite as chivalrous this time around…
W.A.S.P. are on tour right now. W.A.S.P. were supposed to play here in NYC last Thursday night. Even though DEP and Shrinebuilder were playing that very same evening, W.A.S.P. somehow managed to wrangle in five-hundred fans for their gig. So what did W.A.S.P. do? W.A.S.P. canceled their show at the very last second, when most concert goers were apparently already at the venue. Nice going, W.A.S.P.
But now W.A.S.P. have released a statement regarding W.A.S.P.’s cancellation. And W.A.S.P. apparently like to see W.A.S.P.’s own band name written out a lot. Take a look for yourself:
Friday, February 12th, 2010 at 2:35pm by Axl Rosenberg
Here’s the poster for this summer’s Sweden Rock Festival. You tell me what’s wrong with this picture:
Are people really like “Man, I can’t wait to see Slayer and Mastodon and Suicidal Tendencies… and Rick Springfield!”? Do we think there are a lot of Swedish Behemoth and Watain fans who are also totally stoked to check out BTO? I guess I can see some of the over-forty set being just as excited to sing along with “Jesse’s Girl” as they are “Round and Round,” but if you’re the kind of person afflicted with that particular virus of 80s nostalgia, I don’t know what the hell you do while Danzig are on-stage. Grab a beer and wait for W.A.S.P., I guess?
Thursday, January 14th, 2010 at 2:09pm by Axl Rosenberg
It’s basically impossible for me to take “Babylon’s Burning,” the new video from W.A.S.P., at all seriously. Maybe inter-cutting footage of Nazis with the number “666″ as Blackie Lawless sings the number “666″ should strike me as being metal as fuck, but, mostly, it strikes me as an old-man who used to make headlines by being shocking trying desperately, and failing miserably, to be shocking again. Also, the song sucks.
Marilyn Manson, watch this video closely: this is your future.
Friday, October 2nd, 2009 at 12:00pm by D.X. Ferris
In honor of Alaskan metalcore band 36 Crazyfists’ new DVD, Under a Northern Sky (in stores October 27), a list of 35 other famous, metal, heavy, and/or crazy fists:
For a horribly misguided, washed-up hair-metal star who compared Barack Obama to Hitler, it turns out that Blackie Lawless can still kick out the jams. Not only is Blackie Lawless still alive but apparently W.A.S.P have a new album called Babylon coming out on October 12th. Here’s the new single, “Crazy,” sent in by longtime MS Maniac Steve Stamopoulos. And you know what? It ain’t bad.
Wednesday, September 16th, 2009 at 1:30pm by Axl Rosenberg
I’m usually anti-cover album – what’s the point, really? – but I have to admit that I’m more than a little curious to hear Children of Bodom’s Skeletons in the Closet… but mostly for non-metal or not-really-metal reasons. I mean, I’m sure that COB can pull off Slayer and Sepultura songs without breaking a sweat, but what’s it gonna sound like when Alexi and company do Creedence? Kenny Rogers? Pat Benatar? Their Brit-Brit cover (which will be on the new disc) sounded surprisingly Bodom-like, as though the Reigning White Trash Queen of Pop had never even existed. And can you think of another melodeathrash band more suited to do hair metal covers of Poison and W.A.S.P.?
So. Skeletons in the Closet comes out September 23 on Spinefarm. The band is now streaming two new re-makes, of Suicidal Tendencies’ “War Inside My Head” and Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell,” on their MySpace page. Throw back a few shots and play ‘em loud. That’s how COB would want it, motherfuckers.
“He’s one of these old-time 60s radicals from way back. He thinks he’s going to change the world and he’s hell-bent on doing that. When he stood there the night of the nomination and he said that he intended on ‘fundamentally changing’ America – a chill ran down my back. Thousands of people were just standing there, wildly applauding, and it reminded me of Hitler standing on the steps of the Reichstag.”
Here’s what went through my mind imediately after I read this:
Whoops, wrong kind of wasp.
