Congratulations to MetalSucks commenter Jim, who won himself a copy of Shai Hulud’s new CD Misanthropy Pure and Aletheian’s Dying Vine by coming up with the funniest caption for last week’s photo caption contest for the photo pictured at right:

“The secret government project to produce a genetic supermutant by splicing Ted Nugent’s DNA with Ann Coulter’s produced this being known as Superdouche. However, it still felt short of the targeted level of doucheiosity, which was believed to be in the Gene Simmons range.”

Nice one, Jim. This week we have a very special photo — MetalSucks reader Susan Helene Gottfriede sent us a frenzied email asking why the hell we didn’t post anything snarky about the picture that recently surfaced on TMZ.com of Yngwie Malmsteen showing up in court with his stage clothes on. Frankly, the only reason we didn’t post is that we couldn’t come up with anything. So we bring it you.

Our prize package this week is from Metal Blade Records, featuring Goatwhore’s A Haunting Curse and The Black Dahlia Murder’s Nocturnal. All you have to do to win is come up with a funny caption for the below photo of Yng-Yng and post it in the comments. Go!

“I call it ‘Arpeggios From Hell.’ And the reason for this is because it has the most… um, extreme arpeggios that I ever come up with!”

In awe that this video has 1.3 million views? Consider the Japanese sub-titles. And make sure you stay with it to catch Yngwie’s facial expression at the end.

-VN

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I hereby promise this will be the last of an unprecedented run of three posts about Yngwie Malmsteen within the past week; but unscrupulously ousted ex-Iced Earth singer Tim “Ripper” Owens has been tapped to front the band of the fur-coat-wearing, orchestra-conducting King of shred, Yngwie himself. After being ditched by Iced Earth late in 2007 in favor of original singer Matt Barlow at a point when the band seemed poised for a great comeback run, Owens was left down and out. Keep in mind this is the same dude who recorded and toured with his favorite metal band of all time, only to have his life bastardized and turned into a really shitty movie — AND be fired when that lead singer, some dude named Rob Halford, wanted to come back to his old band too. So needless to say, the dude deserved a break.

And he’s gotten it. While a gig with Yngwie may not be as cool as the Anthrax gig Axl suggested, it’s certainly something. No word yet on whether fur coats will become part of Owens’ repertoire.

-VN

It’s a well-known truism that scores of past-their-prime guitar virtuosos are still huge in Japan where emphasis on musicianship is appreciated more than here in the States. But palying with a full symphony orchestra in front of thousands? Yngwie Malmsteen is a bonafide guitar God in the Land of the Rising Sun. The sheer audacity factor in this video is stunning — bad-ass Yngwie, in leather-pants, studded boots and a fucking fur coat — strutting his stuff with an entire symphony orchestra backing him up. If you actually doubted for a second that Yngwie doesn’t in fact think he is a God, the expressions on his face and pseudo-conductor hand-mannerisms say it all.

-VN

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Because really, nothing says “metal” quite like 256th-note chromatic runs, swinging your scalloped fretboard Strat around your back, and pointing at the audience with your picking hand while you hammer-on with the other. First person to make the predictable Yngwie fat-joke gets banned.

-VN

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