UPDATE: A rep for the band has said that this flyer was “an honest mistake on someone’s behalf,” but that “NOTHING about this Musicians Institute flyer was approved by Five Finger Death Punch or their management in any way.” Some people take that to mean the flyer is fake; I interpret it to mean “The flyer was released before its time.” I just think if it was fake, they would call it “fake,” not “an honest mistake.” In any case, read the full statement and decide for yourself at Metal Insider.

The above flyer is apparently a really real thing that Five Finger Death Punch posted at the Hollywood branch of the Musicians Institute earlier. As you can see, it announces that the band is looking for a new bass player, and lists requirements one must meet in order to be that bass player. I guess because joining FFDP is like joining the military? I dunno.

Anyway, some of these requirements are pretty funny. Let’s break them down one by one, shall we?

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Just yesterday Five Finger Death Punch announced the disappearance of guitarist Zoltan Bathory under bizarre circumstances that suggested the whole thing might be little more than a publicity ploy. Well, it took a flashlight and an anatomy lesson in the difference between one’s elbow and one’s asshole, but the band has located the machine that turned a little kid into Tom Hanks. In this cleverly worded statement on their MySpace blog, FFDP sez:

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Are we even on Five Finger Death Punch’s press release list anymore? I haven’t seen anything from them in a long time. I guess they don’t come from the “there’s no such thing as bad publicity” school of thought.

So I just read this statement from the band on Blabbermouth:

“We have not been able to locate Zoltan [Bathory, guitar] from FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH since Friday night’s [September 18] show in Las Vegas. He has not responded to calls, text messages, or emails, and he was last seen around 2:00 a.m. Friday night at Wasted Space in the Hard Rock Casino, taking tequila shots at the bar with a group of guys from a bachelor party who came to the show.

“If anybody has any information as to the whereabouts of Zoltan, please email ffdp AT prospectpk DOT com immediately. This is not like him and the band needs to prepare for the upcoming tour. We have already notified the appropriate authorities, but any help Vegas fans might be able to provide is very much appreciated.”

Now… that would be sad news, not worthy of being made fun of, even by someone who hates this band as much as I do (and there are few currently active metal bands I loathe more than FFDP). But Blabbermouth did some good snoopin’ and included this note with the statement:

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