Board to Death



Taproot logoIt’s time for another great edition of “Board to Death,” in which we examine – and by “examine,” I mean “poke fun at” – what obsessive fans are saying on various band message boards. This week, we take a look at what the Blabberbrats are saying about neo-nu-metallers Taproot.

Taproot bassist Phil Lipscomb recently announced that the band was putting the finishing touches on a new CD. When the news got to Blabbermouth, the fans and haters came out in droves. It never ceases to amaze me how people feel the need to be so vocal about seemingly EVERY band.

This time The Outlaw Torn gets things started: “It’s about damn time! It’s taken them forever to get a new album out. It’s no Chinese Democracy of course but still a long while. Too long.” OK, not really dude, it’s actually been since 2005, a whopping two years. But we appreciate your enthusiasm anyway.

Jeffgq has this request of the band: “play mo doggies in fenton, michigan to start your tour!!” Yes Jeff, Taproot really reads what you fucktards on Blabbermouth have to say. Furthermore, they are most definitely going to play your little shit bar in your little shit town just because you asked.

Responding to The Outlaw Torn (above) and a few other positive commenters, DarthMocha212005 says, “I’m shocked at all of the positive responses to a story about this band. Especially on Blabbermouth! With that said, I’ve always thought this band was pretty fucking terrible.” Way to go, DarthMocha, it’s about time someone added some fuel to the fire!

This sure riled up The Outlaw Torn, who returned for a second go-round; “We got a nice thing going. The Taproot fans come together to share in this great moment of a new album to come, and then the bashers come in and ruin it with their unwanted criticism of a damn good band that they don’t have the mental ability to appreciate. You can’t expand your horizons even a little. You miss out on so much. You’re all limited to only one style, metal, and even then only a specific catagory of it. It can be anything other than what you know now or else it is terrible and one of the worst bands ever. Screw you bashers. All of you.” You go, Outlaw! Gee, people limited to the metal style on a metal website? Go figure. And while I appreciate the sentiment, I hardly think that appreciating Taproot requires an extraordinary amount of “mental ability.”

DarthMocha, not to be outdone, lists some of his favorite bands to prove his “expanded horizons” to The Outlaw Torn, among them Pink Floyd, Faith No More, Billy Joel, Tom Petty, and Beck. Whod’ve thunk it?

Finally, TubbusMaximus steps in to save the day: “I’m really surprised they are making a new album. I am impartial to this decision. They are not the best, but not the worst band. If I were to rank them within metal/rock/alternative/grunge, they would be directly in the middle.”

Phew! Thank god someone came in and mediated this fire-slinging fest.

Until next time…


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