I WAS JUST ABOUT TO CALL STEPHEN KING A PUSSY…

…when he cold cujo-d me and threw the most recent Ozzy record Black Rain, “the finest heavy metal album of the year”, in his opinion (obviously he hasn’t heard the Dethalbum), on his “Top 7 Albums of the Year” in this week’s issue of Entertainment Weekly. The rest of his picks, admittedly a slim list because “your Uncle Stevie was disappointed with this year’s new music, very disappointed indeed”, are decidedly lukewarm, especially his puss-ass “Steve’s Mix ’07”, which contains tracks from Avril Lavigne, Dropkick Murphys, James Blunt, and Josh Ritter, whoever those fuckers are.

In addition to Ozzy’s new record, King’s considerations for top 7 albums of ’07 include the new Wilco, Lyle Lovett, Steve Earle, and John Fogerty releases. However, it’s not King’s southern-tinged choices for strongest full-length recordings of the year that actually piss me off; I think I just simply wanna kick that sorry sonufabitch’s ass. Despite a few really remarkable stories, Stephen King always struck me as kind of a prick in some sense — that shit-eating grin and, you know, demented demeanor just sorta rub me the wrong way.

He might be the master of modern horror, but if I got in the ultimate fighting ring with Senor Spooky, I would tear that fuckin’ bitch apart. I guess when my shoulder fully heals, I’d be willing to beat the shit out of Stephen King. Anyone wanna Don King this one?

With regards to his completely irrelevant top 7 list, some dude named “Greg” commenting on Stereogum.com back on November 30th puts it well with: “Clearly this means Stephen King should lose all of his cred as an authority on music. Oh wait, he never had any, so WHO GIVES A SHIT?”

Agreed.

-KW