HERE ARE THE METAL-RELATED NOMINEES FOR SOME AWARD NO ONE IN HIS OR HER RIGHT MIND SHOULD GIVE A FLYING F*CK ABOUT
More succinctly, the MetalSucks-relevant Grammy nominees are…
Best Metal Performance:
As I Lay Dying – “Nothing Left”
King Diamond – “Never Ending Hill”
Machine Head – “Aesthetics Of Hate”
Shadows Fall – “Redemption”
Slayer – “Final Six”
Best Hard Rock Performance:
Evanescence – “Sweet Sacrifice”
Foo Fighters – “The Pretender”
Ozzy Osbourne – “I Don’t Wanna Stop”
Queens of the Stone Age – “Sick, Sick, Sick”
Tool – “The Pot”
Best Rock Instrumental Performance:
Metallica – “The Ecstasy Of Gold”
Rush – “Malignant Narcissism”
Joe Satriani – “Always With Me, Always With You”
Bruce Springsteen – “Once Upon A Time In The West”
Steve Vai – “The Attitude Song”
I love any category where Steve Vai is up against Joe Satriani, but how the fuck did Metallica get in there? Is that from a Bridge School performance, or from LiveMetallica.com or some shit? Anyway, they’re all gonna lose to Springsteen, ’cause the Grammies, like the major awards, are decided by the blandest people in any given industry, so they’ll just check the box next to the name they recognize.
To that end, let’s look at the other categories…
If I had a vote for Metal Performance, it’d go to Machine Head – but I doubt that’s gonna happen. It’s hard for me to imagine Slayer winning two years in a row, especially when they went around talking shit about winning last year, and there’s something that warms my heart at the thought of King Diamond taking home the prize (and think of how happy it would make Clean Bobby from At All Cost!), but I fear in my very testicles that As I Lay Dying may cement their status as Most Overrated Metalcore Band (Why doesn’t someone give them award for that? Note to self: speak to Vince about including a new category for the Suckies in two weeks…). And, oh yeah, the Shadows Fall autotunathon is nominated. Maybe that’ll win.
Speaking of autotunathons, what the fuck happened to poor Atreyu? I’d’ve thought they’d be a shoe-in for certain (Note to self: speak to Vince about including another new category for the Suckies in two weeks…).
ANYWAY, as for that last Hard Rock award thinger, obviously anyone with 1/10th of a brain can see that Tool should win, but I’ve always thought “The Pot” is directed at George W. Bush, and if any voters feels that way, it’ll probably lose for certain – ’cause Hollywood loves to be political until it’s actually time to be political. So we’ll see if the Grammy Gods wanna reward Ozzy for being old and from that cute reality show their kids used to love, the Foo Fighters because Kurt Cobain killed himself so Dave Grohl gets an “A” until the end of days, or Evanescence, ’cause, uh, Evanescence make everyone a lot of moolah. I don’t think Josh Homme has a snow ball’s chance in hell as long as he’s going around talking shit about his record label.
So, the ceremony is in February or some shit. I’m sure we’ll all read about the winners on Blabbermouth, ’cause I’m sure as fuck not watching it on t.v.