NICOLAS CAGE’S SON IS AN EVEN BIGGER TOOL THAN HE IS

Ah, the mid-90’s. When Nicolas Cage parlayed his Oscar win for Leaving Las Vegas into stardom in increasingly ridiculous (but still kind of enjoyable) action vehicles like The Rock, Con Air, and Face/Off. Then, somewhere along the way, Cage became one of those actors who seem to exclusively make completely unwatchable crap. If you’ve never had to sit through movies like City of Angels, 8mm, Windtalkers, The Wicker Man, Ghost Rider, National Treasure or Next, well, I envy you.

So now Cage has a son, Weston, who fronts a black metal band, Eyes of Rectum Noctum. And I wasn’t gonna say anything about Weston Cage (that name doesn’t exactly have the same ring to it as, say, “Hellhammer,” now does it?), because I’ve never heard Eyes of Noctum’s music and for all I know the guy is the best singer in the friggin’ world.

But after about a dozen of you e-mailed us about Cage’s so-silly-it-should-be-an-SNL sketch introduction of Dimmu Borgir in LA last week (video below), well, I just had to say something. Because even if Weston Cage does turn out to be the best singer in the world, he will never live down the fact that he comes off like a total tool bag.

Eyes of Noctum are scheduled to release their debut album next year, presumably followed by a tour with Wicked Wisdom, 30 Seconds to Mars, or some other shitty band where a celebrity is playing rock star. Let’s all pray the polar ice caps melt and kill us before that time.

-AR