SOMEONE PLEASE SHOOT CHRIS CORNELL IN THE PENIS
Can Chris Cornell please take his midlife crisis out of the public eye? If the guy wants to drive a sports car and fuck an eighteen year old, that’s between him and his psyche, but why does he feel the need to foist his desperate attempts to remain relevant upon his loyal fans?
Mere months after the announcement that Cornell was working with Timbaland comes the news that the once-great rock singer has now written a song for American Idol winner David Cook. The press release forwarded to us by MetalSucks Maniac “Porkspam” didn’t feature a comment from Cornell himself, I imagine because even he knows there’s nothing he can say at this point that won’t come across as total bullshit. ‘Cause while I don’t know Cook’s other “work,” I do know that anyone and everyone who has ever won American Idol is bankrupt artistically, spiritually, ethically, and in every other way imaginable. If you simply love to sing, you can do that in the shower; people go on Idol ’cause they wanna be famous so badly they don’t care if they have to sign their soul away (And I’ve see the contract Idol contestants have to sign – you might as well allow the show’s producers to surgically attach marionette strings to your arms and legs.).
Cornell, a guy who, a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, was the real fucking deal, is completely aware of this. He’s aware that he’s participating in the exploitation of some sap and that he’s siding with the corporate big wigs in the war to turn music and art in general into a commodity first and foremost. But he doesn’t give a fuck. He doesn’t need however much money they paid him to do this – and I’m sure it was more than the entire staff of MetalSucks will ever make combined – he did it because it will keep his slowly-fading spotlight alive a little bit longer, and he can’t stand to think of himself as a guy who makes music no one cares about or, worse, a just a normal human being like everyone else.
Chris Cornell used to seem like the one of the coolest guys in the world, but with this career move, he’s officially demoted himself to a joke of Tommy Lee-sized proportions (I’m referring to Tommy Lee’s “rep,” such as it were, not his schlong.). Taking the guy seriously is no longer just difficult – it’s impossible for any thinking, breathing lover of good music. The best thing that could happen to Cornell now is to die. Unfortunately, I suspect we’ll soon get a much unnecessary Soundgarden reunion instead.