ANTICHRIST CHRISTMAS WINNERS ANNOUNCED!
After carefully reading all your entries, we’ve finally selected our two winners for Antichrist Christmas! Each of our winners gets approximately 100 CDs. Check out the winning entries after the jump.
The first winning entry comes from longtime MetalSucks Maniac NuMallCore Pwns Yo Mama:
I loathe putting up a dead piece of firewood up in my living room and then trying to make it live by watering it.
I loathe trying to get the said dead piece of firewood to stand up straight and not fall down.
I loathe decorating said dead piece of firewood.
I loathe the pine needles that fall off the said dead piece of firewood and the sticky sap that the fire hazard has all over it.
I loathe trying to get the sticky sap off my hands because that shit is irritating and does not clean off nicely.
I loathe buying people stuff that they don’t want with money that I don’t have.
I loathe people buying me stuff that I don’t want with money that they don’t have.
I loathe that something I could have bought myself two months ago now has arrive in my possession as a gift.
I loathe taking the time to wrapping something up in fancy paper only to have it ripped off and thrown away in a matter of seconds.
I loathe the complaints about the credit card bill that arrives in January.
I loathe putting up lights on the outside of my house.
I loathe the lights that all my neighbors up outside their houses.
I loathe the electricity that is wasted and the complaints about the electric bill that arrives in January.
I loathe dressing my kids in stupid holiday themed clothing and dragging them from my house to my in-laws house to my father’s house to my mother’s house in the span of eight hours and have them all complain that we’re not spending enough time with them during the holidays.
I loathe the thought of a White Christmas. Snow initially looks nice, but you eventually need to shovel and drive in it. Did I mention it’s cold? I’m not a fan of the cold.
I absolutely can not stand Christmas music. It makes my ears want to explode. I’ve tried a few artists like Gary Hoey that are semi-rocking or semi-metal, but it still sucks. I don’t even think that the combined efforts of Machine Head, Mastodon, Between the Buried and Me, Testament, and Dream Theater could make a Christmas album that doesn’t suck. Because when it comes down to it, it’s still Christmas music.
I hate that everyone else is happy and they’re confused as to why I hate this holiday so much. It sucks the life right out of me.
NuMallCore Pwns Yo Mama
The second winning entry comes from another longtime reader, Mark Moritz-Rabson:
I’m Jewish. Everywhere I go, people assume I’m Christian. At the store I work at, all I hear is “Merry Christmas!”. People just don’t understand that I’m not interested! Everyone expects me to be nice to them and wish them a “Merry Christmas!” back.And us Jews feel left out when everyone is comparing Christmas gifts, recipes, and dinners. Do you see parking lots filled with menorahs for sale? No. Do you see latke recipes on the back of the flour package? I doubt it. The holiday season even affects metal: How many covers of “Dreidel, Dreidel” are there compared to the amount of “Jingle Bells” covers? And Christmas carols piss me off to no extent. Those annoying earworms must die. I turned on the classical station to listen to some classical, because classical pwns, and I heard Christmas operas. I had to turn it off!
Christmas is possibly the most destructive holiday ever. There are about 115 million households in the US. Say about 80% of them are Christian. That leaves 92 million Christian households in the US. If every house has a tree, 92 million trees are killed just for Christmas, and that isn’t including all the extra trees that are cut down but not used. If a third of those households have Christmas lights up from November to New Years’, 30 million houses are using an abominable amount of electricity just to show off “the Christmas spirit”.
Around the holidays, everything is crowded! I went to a CD store to buy a friend a present and ended waiting in line for half an hour to buy one CD. Parking was abominable as well, so a trip that should have taken 15 minutes took an hour. The selection was also terrible. How hard can it be for the only local record store to keep the two most popular CD’s of the year (“The Way of All of Flesh” and “Traced in Air”) in stock? Apparently, it’s a lot harder than it looks because the best record store ever was out
of both, so I ended up buying Six Feet Under’s “Death Rituals”.
And about the Christianity of Christmas itself is almost nonexistent. So, a baby that is a son of God was born to a Virgin mother in a barn? Sure… And that’s why we believe that a fat guy with a beard in a red suit sneaks down every Christian chimney in the world to deliver gifts to all the “good” children in the world. Watch “The Life of Brian” to get the real story. Face it, nobody is really good. If you believe in that, we’re all going to hell, except for the odd nun or priest. Hannukah isn’t much better. Oh, a tiny amount of oil lasted 8 whole nights because God wanted us to survive! In 2008, let’s give everybody one gift for each night that the oil lasted.
Blatant materialism. We’re all materialistic for entering this contest, of course, but around the holidays it’s really IN YOUR FACE! Everything is centered around gifts, presents, food, money, etc.
Christmas screws with my internal clock. When it’s December 4th and I see a Target catalog advertising “Last Minute Gifts! Don’t Miss Your Chance to Save!” I wonder if I’ve actually lost my mind and it’s December 24th.
The death of a Wal-Mart greeter for a flat screen TV.
Oh yeah, and all my porn is Christmas themed. Happy New Years.
Congrats again, fellas… enjoy your CDs!
-AR & VN