Hair Metal Happy Hour


  • Axl Rosenberg

31028aFirst Maynard, now this.

Look: I fucking love Vegas. I was there for New Year’s once and I think I had pretty much the best fucking night of my life.

But part of what’s so fun about that town is how friggin’ ridiculous everything is; it can’t be taken seriously at all, and if you try to take it seriously, you’ll probably just give yourself an aneurysm. As a place to go spend a couple of days drunk and act like a total dip shit, I think Las Vegas is just swell – but I think if I had to live in there, I’d kill myself.

One of the weirdest things about Vegas is this: it’s very much like it’s own little Japan. People who just have no business being famous anymore are fucking HUGE there. ‘Cause idiots come from all over the world and pay a retarded amount of money to see someone who used to be on television.

And I get it. I think I get it. All the members of the Rat Pack are dead, Tony Bennett’s gotta be pushing a hundred, and when I saw Don Rickles on The Daily Show a little while back, he looked just about ready to die. So it’s not like there’s a lot of legitimately talented old school lounge acts running around out there. But – you’re drunk, you’re oversexed, you’re a little up or a little down, and four cast members of 1980s-era SNL are doing stand-up across the street – it’s kinda natural that you end up paying an egregious amount of money to go the show.

This is all my way of warming you up for this monumental press release:

A truly unique spectacle, Monster Circus combines a high-octane live rock concert with sexy dancers, human circus acts, aerialists, freaks and of course, a tour bus full of platinum certified rock stars. An irreverent ringmaster along with Sicko The Clown, Monster Circus’ mascot, lead the audience along the 75-minute journey through the powerhouse rock and metal anthems of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s.

Rock star debauchery begins with an all-star lineup of the jaw-dropping Monster Circus band featuring artists Rudy Sarzo (DIO and formerly of Whitesnake, Quiet Riot and Ozzy Osbourne), John Corabi (formerly of Mötley Crüe and Ratt), Fred Coury (Cinderella), Bruce Kulick (formerly of KISS) and Tony Montana (formerly of Great White). Various guest artists will “join the circus” and perform the hits they personally rock out to, creating an evolving set list. In addition to these rock and metal masters, special theme nights will be dedicated to the songs of a single legendary band.

Tickets for Platinum Masters’ Monster Circus are $39-$66. A rock star VIP package is available for $86 and includes a meet-and-party pass, seating on the stage, photos and an opportunity to hang with the band after the show.

Holy poop on a stick. Y’know what? I take back everything I just said. Jon Lovitz and Kevin Nealon are one thing, but I don’t need to pay that much to see these poor dudes play with some sub-Rockso clown.

Thing is, some of these cats actually were, at one time, kinda cool. Obviously Sarzo’s done some shit, Kulick’s done some shit, Coury was, uh, almost in Guns N’ Roses once, “Crabs” got fired from Motley Crue for being a better singer than Vince Neil, and Tony Montana escaped the clutches of Fidel Castro to take over an entire drug empire. PLUS, none of these former members of Great White had anything to do with the Station fire. So, y’know, it’s not like I have a total lack of respect for these guys.

In fact, while I’d happily pay ten or perhaps even twelve dollars to watch these fellas just jam on covers – once upon a time I did manage to make it through an entire Camp Freddy show without puking on my date, y’know – you lost me at the circus part. This fucker don’t even start ’til 11 pm, so it’s not like anyone is taking their kids (First person to defend Circque du Soleil or some other “circus for adults” has to review the new Static-X album.). So what’s the fucking point? Does the band really sound that shitty that I need fucking clowns and “tastefully” nude contortionists and acrobats and shit? Couldn’t they just get a laser light show like the Planetarium and let me get stoned and enjoy the show that way?

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want the very nice lady who sent me the press release to feel too bad, so now I’ll just tell you that performances start on March 19 at the Las Vegas Hilton.

Christ, it’s not even at one of the decent hotels.


P.S. I just read the rest of the press release and realized that we have Tony Montana to thank for this entire thing in the first place. Fuck you, Tony Montana!

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