FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH LOCATE THEIR ASSHOLE

Just yesterday Five Finger Death Punch announced the disappearance of guitarist Zoltan Bathory under bizarre circumstances that suggested the whole thing might be little more than a publicity ploy. Well, it took a flashlight and an anatomy lesson in the difference between one’s elbow and one’s asshole, but the band has located the machine that turned a little kid into Tom Hanks. In this cleverly worded statement on their MySpace blog, FFDP sez:

Hey everybody—we found Zoltan!!

We just talked to him and although he sounded somewhat incoherent he says he’ll be fine and the tour will start as planned tomorrow!!  Sorry if he worried anyone!

5FDP

I’d like to commend the band on their sensitivity to the fans who were really, truly worried about Zoltan. This very detailed explanation of what actually occurred and the clearly sincere manner in which the group apologizes to its fans for causing said worry is amazing. I wish more bands cared about their fan base this much.

Douchebags.

-AR