Rob Halford Doesn't Like Girls, But Rich Hallford Does



Even metal heads need dating advice. That’s what Rich Hallford is here for! Read on to have all your love life dilemmas solved by the great master…

Dave asks:
If my girl is afraid of doing anal how can I force her to do it without having charges filed against me? Also, is it okay to go ass to mouth?

Never go ass to mouth. I think a nice dinner out, flowers and sweet evening alone will make her at least give it up or let you smell it. Or you can kill your dog on purpose and be sad. Maybe then she’ll let you pity hump her piehole.

Mark Gavin asks:
Why don’t beautiful women seem automatically attracted to me when I wear a Judas Priest t

Mark, I think your problem is that you’re buying your Judas Priest t-shirts from outside the venue. If you actually spring for tickets and buy a REAL t-shirt one that doesn’t say ” JUDAH PRIESTLEY” (and maybe an extra ticket for a chick), maybe you’ll get noticed more.

bryan asks:
Is there any hot chicks that like Rush or prog rock for that matter

Yeah, they’re called Dungeon Masters. Get some twenty-sided die and bone up on Geddy Lee’s list of hair products. You’ll be in like Flynn.

Wyzt asks:
What grindcore band makes hot cheerleaders find you irresistable? Plz help.

Ladies love the old school stuff. Infest, Crossed Out, etc., etc. Maybe a little Spazz to make them remember their ol’ unshaven riot grrl self. They’re old graphic designers now… bring them back where they came from!

Double D asks:
How can I get THRASHETTE to notice me? Seriously, she’s hot.

Post a pic?

poopsmcgee asks:
How come girls don’t like my farts as much as I do?

I see your mom is complaining again. I say don’t fart in front of a girl and maybe she’ll tolerate your looks… maybe.

bearwizard asks:
why is my cock so huge?

This is self explanatory! You’re the wizard of bears – you can do anything!

Zosimus asks:
At least do this right and get a hot chick to write your sex column, like Revolver did. I mean… I assume she’s hot. Right? Only hot chicks write sex columns, right?

Fuck no, We dudes know what to do when the bearded clam spaceship comes out of hiding. Well, judging from all these questions… some of you do.

quoteunetouq asks:
Why are the overweight mid 40s groupies at still touring hair metal shows still hotter than the 5 hose beasts at any extreme metal gig?

Because they’re waiting to pick up their overweight long haired black t-shirt wearing choked laced black high top internet cowboy sons from the show they’re attending.

Brian \m/(-_-)\m/ asks:
i…dont…fucking…believe it. WHYYYYYYYY?????

…that’s what she said.

SeanN asks:
Where exactly is the clitoris?

If you get out of the basement, maybe you’ll see one.

WowWee! asks:
How can I get a sugar mama to drive me around places and buy me stuff?

Stop posting on the internet .


Got a romantic query? The great Rich Hallford knows all. E-mail your questions to hallford AT metalsucks DOT net.

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