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TOP 5 REASONS WHY LIV KRISTINE CAN SUCK IT

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Last week, The Deciblog – which I adore and respect with every ounce of my being – posted a guest blog by Leaves’ Eyes vocalist Liv Kristine. It was entitled “Top 5 Reasons Why Females in Metal Rule.” And it was total fucking bullshit.

I’m not saying that the concept is total fucking bullshit – I really have no problem whatsoever with women in metal. I’m saying this blog, in particular, was total bullshit. It in no way, shape, or form made an argument for why females in metal rule.

Elise over at Reign in Blonde – a woman herself, doncha know! – contemplated writing a response entitled “TOP 5  REASONS WHY LIV KRISTINE CAN SUCK IT,” but ultimately opted not to. So I asked her if I could write said response, and she graciously granted me permission. So here we go.

  1. LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMAN IN METAL DON’T LOSE THEIR JOBS WHEN THEY BECOME MOTHERS.” So right off the bat, I have no fucking idea what she’s talking about. I don’t know what the regional laws are in Kristine’s native Norway, but here in America, it’s illegal to fire a woman for becoming a mother (I don’t know how that law applies to metal bands, but in theory, it should hold true). And Kristine never really bothers to explain her statement – she just says “It’s in our hands to decide if we want to continue working.” Which, again, is true of pretty much any profession. So, y’know, way to state the obvious, Liv.
  2. LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL (MOSTLY!) STICK TOGETHER.” Again, what a nonsensical statement. At least she added that “mostly.” Because I’ve met just as many catty bitches that will pretend to be friends with other women one minute and then talk shit about them the next as I have in pretty much any other profession/lifestyle/whatever. Liv’s argument here seems to exist primarily so she can talk about how well she gets along with the female bassist in her band. I’m glad you girls get along, Liv, but this proves nothing. Other than that you’re an idiot.
  3. LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE ALWAYS GOOD LOOKING.” That is the single stupidest statement I’ve read this week that did not directly pertain to American politics. I mean, it may very well be easier for metal chicks to get laid than other chicks, if only because men outnumber them like 100 to 1 (although the population at a lot of recent metal shows, at least where I live, tells me that this is not necessarily the case anymore), but that still proves nothing; it’s been my experience that even the most Medusa-like of women can find someone to sleep with them if they show the right amount of skin and wait around the bar long enough. But even if we pretend that Kristine just meant “female performers are always good looking,” she’d still be wrong. Some of these girls are dogs with fleas, even with an instrument or microphone in their hand. I won’t name names because this is an article about how I think Liv Kristine is a nincompoop, not how Jeanne Sagan looks like a boy, but… oh, wait. I blew it. Shit. But back to my original point: Kristine writes that “I’ve often been photographed in my Sporty Spice outfit at 7 a.m. on many of my runs on tour. And there have been no complaints so far.” So she’s basically saying, “I’m pretty, and what applies to me applies to all women.” And if that were true, male metal fans around the world would be masturbating to thoughts of the former singer for Attack Attack!, not Christina Scabbia.
  4. LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE TAKEN WELL CARE OF.” That girl I saw get groped in the pit at Summer Slaughter this year would probably disagree. Dummy.
  5. LIV KRISTINE SAYS “WOMEN IN METAL ARE SPECIAL.” She elaborates: “Women in metal are still heavily outnumbered by males. Therefore we get more attention.” Which is true. Revolver, for example, devotes entire issues to ogling women in metal’s tits and ass, which they would never do with men. To this day, that post with Kristin Randall’s boobs is one of our most viewed, while that other post with Lars Ulrich’s penis is not. So, yeah. You are special. But I assume you’d rather not be.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go listen to Cannibal Corpse’s “Fucked with a Knife.”

-AR

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