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DAVE GROHL, CHRIS CORNELL TO HELP SLASH MOUTH RAPE HIS LEGACY

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slashfuckyouThe Starbucks Incident

Yes, I am going to continue to bitch about Slash. I understand that Slash is not Jimi Hendrix but this might be the single biggest betrayal to my formative years since Metallica released everything they’ve released from Load on, and I need to mourn.

So. Some lady says that the following singers are all on Slash’s new solo album, How Could Taking My Cues from Carlos Santana Possibly Go Wrong? I have added my own thoughts because that’s what we do around here.

  1. Chris Cornell – I would actually love to hear Chris Cornell and Slash work together – if we had created a time machine and I could hear them work together roughly around 1991ish. As it stands, I just hope we get something that wasn’t produced by Timbaland.
  2. Ozzy Osbourne – Apparently this song will be the single, and some lady says that “the lyrics are going to piss off Axl and Black Sabbath!” So I guess they’re gonna slam Technical Ecstasy.
  3. Kid Rock – Kid Rock was with Axl Rose the night he got in a fist fight with Tommy Hilfiger in 2006. Bad things happen to founding members of Guns N’ Roses when Kid Rock is around.
  4. Lemmy – Actually, if Slash stood back and let Lemmy write this one, it could be pretty decent. I don’t generally associate Lemmy with massive disappointment. I do associate him with big hairy moles, but that’s neither here nor there.
  5. Iggy Pop – Iggy looks like a decayed corpse, Slash looks like a bloated one. Either way, this track was recorded by a pair of dead guys.
  6. Alice Cooper – Twelve or thirteen years ago, Slash played an awesome solo on “Elected” on Alice Cooper’s live album, and he used to do “Only Women Bleed” during GN’R live sets. Unfortunately for us, this song will probably not be another Alice Cooper cover.
  7. Flea – Slash thought he called Anthony Keidis. Oh well. At least Flea doesn’t need autotune. And was in Back to the Future, Part II.
  8. Myles Kennedy – Is this Not Scott Stapp? Is that who this is? I think I heard Alter Bridge once, but it made no impact on my memory whatsoever. I assume it was terrible.
  9. M. Shadows – A7X always wanted to be Guns N’ Roses. But they’d have a better chance of achieving that goal without Slash.
  10. Dave Grohl – I love this only because I know that somewhere Kurt Cobain is having the worst fucking year of his after-life ever. Courtney let him sing Bon Jovi in Guitar Hero and Dave Grohl is playing with Slash. If Kurt could kill himself again, he would. The only way this song could be good is if it were to be titled “HI AXL!”

And this is all in addition to the already-released atrocities with Fergie, Cypress Hill, and some Japanese dude. Jack White had the good sense to decline an invitation to appear on the record.

When Jack White is the sensible one in the group, you know you’re fucked.

-AR


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