The Hard R



The Hard R with Dallas Coyle
I’ve lost interest in metal. Playing it that is. I LOVE listening though. I listened to Chimaira’s Resurrection in it’s entirety and didn’t even realize it was in its entirety. Bad ass record! Born Of Osiris has been in my play list lately as well. But Dallas Coyle’s (yes, third person) output/creation of metal music has been nil on the metal front. I’ve written some rock, some trip hop, some electronica — But no metal.

I haven’t done a blog in a while because I don’t have the passion to write about metal either. There are an alleged amount of reasons I suspect are contributing to my lack of metal inspiration, none of which I can say is a direct culprit. None of which is the sole reason I’m not ‘metaled’ up right now.

Reason #1

This site is becoming more popular and I feel obligated to write something that relates to the metal scene. Since there is more of a demand for metal blogomania at Metalsucks I feel I shouldn’t talk about Susan Boyle or Tiger Woods. BUT, when the election was happening I didn’t mind talking shit about McCain or Hillary Clinton? Weird right? But the site didn’t have the traffic it does now. I don’t get it myself. Shouldn’t I want MORE people to read what I write? Like I said, I have no idea! I’m an enigma wrapped in a shitty cooked grilled onion. The enigma stinks and so does the onion :) My brother’s latest blog about Killswitch was better than anything I’ve ever written for my blog so maybe I’m waiting for him to step in. Wait. I’m not in God Forbid anymore so I should stop expecting Doc to cover for me. Dammit. I never should have quit!

Reason #2

I don’t have anything to shamelessly promote! That’s it. That’s the direct culprit! I’ve been so unproductive, so uninspired, that I, the big mouth, can’t find ANYTHING I feel worthy to promote for myself. Dammit. Rock bottom!

Reason #3

Baroness is the old Mastodon but people don’t have old Mastodon anymore so they have to listen to the new Baroness. But when new Baroness turns into new Mastodon who are they going to turn to for a #2 record of the year?

Reason #4

I didn’t think this year in metal was as good as everyone else thought it was. Seriously. This year in metal was bullshit den a motherfucker… Listen, I LIKE Mastodon a ton. I love the dudes. Shit, Brent hooked me up with half a xanax once… BUT… when the world hangs from ANYONE’S nuts I tend to back away. And from Mastodon I have backed away.  I LOVE Leviathan. LOVE it. But Crack The Skye ain’t what all you ball-hangers are saying it is. It’s a good record. I like it. Hey, I listen to it. But JESUS CHRIST, get off the MOTHERFUCKING NUTS! Blood Mountain was better! Josh Homme was on that RECORD! He’s super famous!

I don’t have a top 20, niggas. I have honorable mentions. And a #1.

Honorable Mentions

Eryn Non Dae – Hydra Lernaia (For being french as fuck)
Lamb Of God – Wrath (For being my favorite band since 1998)
Poison The Well – The Tropic Rot (For being ahead of their time)
God Forbid – Earthsblood (For being ghetto and metal and true at the same time)
Meshuggah – Obzen (this is a 2 year-old record… fuck you)
Five Finger Death Punch – Ivan Moody’s Voice (like silk, son)
Oceano – Depths (For being mad depthful, the kings of noise, and for giving me a free shirt via Doc Coyle of God Forbid)
Alice In Chains – Black Gives Way To Blue (for keeping success with a black singer)
All Shall Perish (For making Kirk Hammetts decade list: Congrats!)
Burnt By The Sun – Heart Of Darkness (The record kicks old people pussy)
Despised Icon – Day Of Mourning (For sparking that drum triggering debate months back)
Dirge Within – Force Fed Lies (For writing good metal and Shaun Glass sticking it through)
Divinity – The Singularity (For catching the ear of Axl and Vince and making me listen)
Behemoth – Evangelion (For being Behemoth… again)
Megadeth – Endgame (For not making #1, Dave)
Volbeat – Catalog ( Cause they are metal-ass guidos: or Life Of Agony)
Joe Duplantier (For being better than every one else)
Rammstein – Liebe ist für alle da (For having a porn for a video: seriously)
Periphery (For being the only hope in 2010)
System Of A Down (For being ignored this decade: I LOVE YOU, CATS! LOAN ME $500!)

And the #1 record of 2009 is……. and it’s so renowned I have to do it album-first!


I’m hanging from those nuts, dogs! I know there’s enough room with those fannie pack-wearing, bearded-hippie Dethklok-watching, Elvis Costello glasses-having and 1600 SAT-scoring college graduates to hang from the Mastodon balls! It’s Mastodon: a huge motherfuckin’ creature with HUGE motherfuckin’ earth shattering balls!

Over and out.


[Check out a recent radio interview Dallas did. It’s free to download! -Ed.]

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