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THE BLOGRONAUT: THE 5 RADDEST SETS OF TEETH IN METAL

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“Why would you do a Raddest Teeth In Metal list? I mean, who thinks about that stuff? Isn’t this kind of lame?”

Yes it is! Let’s do this! [Perhaps our article on Ben Falgoust’s chompers subliminally inspired him. -Ed.]

5th place – The douchebag singer from that vampire band

I’m almost ashamed to admit that this guy was the inspiration for this blog entry (and I won’t even give them the extra google search result by printing his or his band’s name here), but will you just look at those pearly whites? Before mommy and daddy bought him his first rackmount auto-tune processor and showered him with enough love and self-confidence to make such embarrassing music, they must have spent a fortune on braces and regular dental visits. At least he might make up for his band’s crimes against humanity’s eardrums by promoting good dental hygiene to the 5th graders who make up his fanbase.

4th place – Aaron Bedard (Bane)

DAMN son! It’s a good thing this dude is one of the best hardcore frontmen ever, because let’s face it, you really have to earn everything you’ve got when life hands you that grill.

3rd place – Peter Steele (Type O Negative, Carnivore)

Aside from having a monstrous dick (holy fuck is this NSFW! ) and a monstrous voice, Pete Steele has some monstrous-ass teeth. I mean, did he just dive mouth first into a port-a-potty? I think the worst hell I could ever live in would be reincarnation as a Type O groupie. That mouth looks like it tastes like a rotting possum carcass marinated in crack baby shit, and any woman under 5’ who he penetrated would probably get split in two! Seriously, did someone photoshop a baby’s arm holding an apple into that pic or what?

2nd place – Greg Puciato (The Dillinger Escape Plan)

I stared at this photo for so long trying to come up with something funny to say about him that I seriously feel dirty. Bottom line, this is one handsome fucking guy. Clearly free-range and milk-fed, he is a living monument to all that is personal hygiene. If I ever do a “best muscles in metal” list, he will obviously be on it. Right behind the Hoffman brothers from Deicide.

And the number one set of teeth in metal goes to…..

1st place – Jimmy Bower (Eyehategod, Down, Crowbar, Superjoint Ritual, The Mystic Crewe Of Clearlight)

He has no teeth! That’s right, bitches! Having teeth is NOT fucking metal at all! Any true hessian will have smoked/drank/whatever else their teeth away long before hitting 30. Mad props to the Bower Power!

-SD

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