Hipsters Out Of Metal!


  • Anso DF


I’m not so naive as to think that in any conflict there’s a evil-intentioned, deceitful jerk on one side who’s opposed diametrically by a lily-white innocent on the other. Especially in the entertainment biz, long a haven for those with awful people skills and only a passing acquaintance with reality. So we can all agree that to call hot, steaming bullshit! on Max Cavalera is in no way equivalent to an exoneration or endorsement of his foe and former bandmate Andreas Kisser. All I’m saying is that Cavalera’s latest statement, in which the woefully out-of-touch recovering nu-metalist attempts to turn the divided metal community against Kisser on the thinnest of premises, is embarrassing shit-talk at best and character assassination at worst.

Regardless of personal loyalties (full disclosure: I’m kinda anti-anything that lives in camo cargo shorts) or tastes (again, F.D.: Soulfly reeks), it’s hard to dispute the eye-rolling, head-slapping 8th-grade wackness of Cavalera’s logic. But just to be safe, let’s cart in the 100% impartial MetalSucks Translate-Bot 3000 to help us parse through the accusations in a May interview that Kisser squashed a proposed Sepultura reunion. Sure, even T-B3k emitted a sour wisp of oil fumes and the occasional clank when I began to feed in text that originates from a mega-stoner whose manager/wife has been describing his farts as musical perfume for two decades. But you’ll see that the results are stellar, if not uncannily laser-like in their precision. Take it away T-B3k:

Max Cavalera: [A Sepultura reunion] almost happened last year; I actually called Andreas myself and talked to him about it because I wanna do it, and I said, “We should do it, man. It’s the time,” and he said, “Let’s do it.”

T-B3k: I, Max Cavalera, metal icon, phoned Andreas Kisser and, citing advancing age and credibility slippage, instructed him to fire at least two of his bandmates at my behest.

Max: The next thing I know he has all these crazy demands, involving all these people that work for them and having him be the boss of everything, and I said, “That’s not how it’s gonna be if it’s gonna happen,” and he started talking a lot about money and shit like that so I backed off.

T-B3k: Andreas, however, refused to grant my wife sole control the band and its assets.

Max: It’s not about the money…

T-B3k: It’s not about the money as long as my wife signs the checks…

Max: …it’s about the name of the band and showing people what we were about when we were together, so now I’m not so sure.

T-B3k: …it’s about recapturing the segment of metal listenership that exceeds sixteen years of age and further establishing icon status for my most holy of creations, Sepultura, a band for whose fleeting creative excellence I claim primary responsibility. This Sepultura legend-making is imperative now that every vital thrash metal band (even fucking Anthrax) is actively pursuing post-internet/-grunge immortality via major tours and records, while true Sepultura molders, shelf-bound. Blame Andreas.

Max: I don’t know if it’s gonna happen, I’m not worried about it, I think once people hear the new Cavalera Conspiracy album they are going to forget about the reunion, because it’s really powerful stuff.

T-B3k: Until Andreas rolls over, no such reunion will take place, and I hereby call upon all metal fans to exert undue pressure upon him and his supporters. In the meantime, kindly route your music funds toward my new project, Max & The Sepettes, for which I’ve enlisted my fellow ex-Sep brother, thus briefly delaying the need to make inevitable concessions to Andreas. P.S. I heart Fred Durst.

There you have it, Suckalo Nation. There is no connotation is too muted, no nuance too unspoken, no hostility too blanketed for the mighty MetalSucks Translate-Bot 3000. Join us again next time, when T-B3k tackles the collected oeuvre of Dave Mustaine, metal’s most persecuted genius.


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