...And F*ck You Too

DEF LEPPARD’S PHIL COLLEN MARRIES AMAZONIAN TRANSVESTITE

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I don’t think you can actually be a transvestite if you’re an Amazonian, but I don’t know how else to describe Helen L. Simmons, the incredibly tall, incredibly unattractive woman who married Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen this past Friday.

Here’s a photo that will haunt your nightmares forever:

The party favors were guitar picks with the newlyweds’ names on them, and the menu featured organic vegetarian and vegan items exclusively — because Phil hasn’t eaten meat in almost three decades (heh heh, he said “eaten meat”), and is apparently making lifestyle choices for all his friends now, too. ‘Cause Phil Collen knows better than you.

Collen’s Def Lep bandmates Rick Savage and Vivian Campbell were also in attendance. Apparently Savage is turning into Michael J. Pollard, and, like Collen, is completely unaware that he’s a millionaire rock star who can have pretty much any woman he wants. Vivian Campbell’s wife, on the other hand, TITS.

When asked why he wasn’t attending, vocalist Joe Elliot replied, “Are you fucking serious? He just got divorced from his last wife nine days ago. Fuck this shit.”

Here’s a picture of said last wife, divorced a little over a week prior to the wedding. I don’t mean to sound racist, but Phil seems to have a type.

In conclusion, do you think there was an awkward moment during the taking of the below photo when Rick Allen had to remind somebody that he must be on the right?

His right, numb nuts.

-AR

Additional reporting by Leyla Ford

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