QUESTION OF THE WEEK: IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE METAL MUSICIAN TO BE A JUDGE ON AMERICAN IDOL, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
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Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (sometimes) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.
Inspired this week by the rumor that Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler may be a new judge on American Idol, we decided to ask our writers:
IF YOU HAD TO PICK ONE METAL MUSICIAN TO BE A JUDGE ON AMERICAN IDOL, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
The MS staff’s answers after the jump.
Man, I wouldn’t really wish that on anyone. That show just vibes desperation and suckage — including the judges. It’s absurd, but at times I fucking feel bad for Seacrest. Still, I guess there is one dude who could be cool and insightful in a totally non-delusional way: Devin Townsend. I bet he’d be really positive and knowledgeable — as he was the day he took over MetalSucks — but then again, how many sorry-ass no-singing cats from Wisconsin could he endure? Everyone has a breaking point. And a Townsend freak-out might be epic. Picture it, after the millionth human-shaped suckpile screeches through “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing,” Townsend would calmly mount the judges’ table, jam a mic between his buttcheeks, and fart the entire “Deep Peace” solo while tiredly brandishing a middle finger.
Dee Snider. Because he has a lot of very important things to say.
Ted Nugent. Because he’d just kill ’em and grill ’em. Plus, he’d make the token vegan cry. But Bret Michaels would probably get the job, because he says “yes” to anything that involves a camera.
My first pick would be The Curator — AKA the guy with the clock-hat — from Portal. I think his unintelligible rasping and generally offputting presence would garner the correct amount of fear from contestants (as opposed to the “OMG LULZ WUT U LOOK GHEY” one most metal judges would receive) and provide the perfect awkward anti-chemistry with Randy Jackson and whatever leathery-skinned, worked-on “artists” they also have on the panel, all of whom would keep a safe distance at the catering table backstage as he eats a specially prepared mixture of field mice and hemlock. After that, I assume the Curator would be sent back to some creepy, isolated farmhouse in Australia and we would finally be rid of American Idol — the malignant tumor of a pop culture phenomenon it is — for good.
I was gonna say Varg Vikernes, but my reasoning was not dissimilar from Sammy’s, insofar as I thought it would be funny, and he’d definitely put an end to the show. So in the interest of not being a copy-cat, I guess I’m gonna give a serious answer. And my serious answer is this: Tom Araya. Because I know he knows a lot about styles of music that aren’t metal, even if he knows nothing about singing. Zing!
Okay, kiddies, now it’s your turn! Weigh in with your answer to the question of the week below.