Hipsters Out Of Metal!


  • Anso DF


Like thousands of lucky metal people, I attended a stop of the MetalSucks-presented New Night Over America 2010 tour headlined by Katatonia last week. I’d been ear-horny for live Katatonia since last year’s Night Is The New Day, which was only exceeded in awesomeness by a couple 2009 records. To my delight, Friday’s set was stuffed with Night‘s best jamz (like this one whoa baby), and to my non-surprise, I fell into deeper awe for guitarists Anders Nyström and Per Eriksson after the ass-tight set.

Now, as presenting sponsors of the tour, we MS goons are extended full access to artist-only areas of the venue. So after I’d rushed backstage to dish out congratulations on a great show and use their pristine private toilets, I emerged to find myself alone with the band’s gear. So I did what any tipsy writer would do: I had sex with their guitars. Yep, the guitars used on all your fave Katatonia songs went straight up my ass. All the way. It was hot. It sounds weird, fine, but once I explained that the axes and I were in love, and had consummated, Eriksson and Nyström were cool with it. They agreed to set aside the guitars, untouched, until I met up with them back in L.A. to exchange a fair amount of cash for my new boos.

But now that’s never gonna happen thanks to certain bastards the very next night in Minnesota. From a band statement:

At Saturday’s gig [at Station 4 in St. Paul, Minnesota], two of our guitars got stolen (including the straps and the wireless transmitters), causing performance difficulties, frustration and anger. Then, against all odds, further technical problems kept on coming down one after another during the show. Apologies go out to our fans in Minnesota for having to go through this.

We just wanna encourage everybody already to help us keep an eye out for the guitars on pawn shops, Craigslist, eBay, etc. etc., and let us know immediately if they show up.

It sucks for Twin Cities metal people to be robbed of a surely brilliant show. It sucks for future giveaway winners to lose that which was to be given away (swiped axes pictured above). It sucks that the damn nice guys of Katatonia had to apologize for the whole mess. But mostly, it sucks for the fucking dickface thieves who’ve unknowingly handled my dear, cherished ass-guitars. Yeah, fuckers, that’s why you’re now suffering from botulism. Fucking fuckers.


Seriously, help Katatonia recover their awesome guitars. Click here to report any information/sightings on the band’s Facebook.

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