HOW TO LOOK LIKE A HOT METAL CHICK

Remember when Sergeant D. found that totally awesome instructional video called “How to Dress Sexy Scene & Be Hot!”? In case the title didn’t give it away, it featured some chick who is clearly going to make some poor guy insanely unhappy one day instructing ladies on how to, well. Y’know.

Now Noa Avior at Metal Injection has discovered a delightful de facto companion video, entitled “How to Look Like a Hot Metal Chick.” (I love the modesty of the young women making these videos.) And, in all fairness, the girl in the video is definitely cute, especially if you’ve ever dreamed of fucking a piece of plastic. Personally, I would definitely tap that, so long as she promised not to speak under any circumstances.

She’s wearing a Suffocation shirt and she says it’s important that “you know and like the band” whose logo adorns your attire. Do we think she really digs death metal, or do we think she just realized that her value in the metal world is like a gajillion times higher than her value in the mainstream world, given that metal is a total sausage fest and dudes will kill one another for anything with a hole and a pulse? (Actually the pulse is just, like, a bonus.) I’m not saying attractive women can’t appreciate Suffocation; I’m just saying that this girl has all the personality of a Barbie doll, so I wouldn’t be shocked if she were totally full of it.

Also, did you know that there’s no room for girls in metal who don’t have blonde or black hair? And that eyebrows are incredibly important? And holy shit doesn’t this crap go against everything metal is supposed to represent?!?!

My personal favorite part, though, is when she says she’s gonna teach her fellow women how to dress for when they’re “going to a metal concert-thing.” I LOVE metal concert-things! Why, I’m going to a metal concert-thing tonight! Do you think I’ll be able to meet anyone as smokin’ as this chick? I’d really like to bring her home to meet my mother, ’cause Ma hasn’t threatened to disown me this week.

I think that Noa is even more pissed about this nonsense than I am. Head over to Metal Injection to read her thoughts on the matter.

-AR