Readers' Choice

READER’S CHOICE: VIVA LAS VEGAS EDITION

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Besides Times Square, this may be the single greatest use of resources in America. It’s a good thing we’re not in the middle of an energy crisis or anything.

So I wanna keep doing these regionally themed “Reader’s Choice” installments. And I know that last week I said I would do Vancouver and Peoria, but guess what? It’s our website, and we reserve the right to break our promises. I will try to get to Vancouver and Peoria (and by “get to” I mean “get writing about them,” not “get to going there”), but today I’m gonna do Vegas. ‘Cause I had one of the best nights of my life in Vegas, and ’cause longtime MetalSucks Maniac Samuel A. Favata sent me ten bands from the area to check out. That’s as complicated as my logic gets sometimes.

So… Vegas, baby, Vegas! Sorry. Couldn’t resist.

For reals, let’s do this:

IMPURITY OF MRIYA

Oh for THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD, this is awful. Awful, awful, awful, awful, awful. The most boringest kind of generic deathcore ever. Oh, fuck, I wonder if all the bands in this e-mail are gonna sound like this. I’m being punished for making fun of Peoria, aren’t I? Fuccccccckkkk, this sucks.

KILL THE MASSES

This band’s logo doesn’t instill me with confidence that their music will be any better than Impurity of Whatever the Fuck, and their band pic makes my heart sink even lower. The first song starts with an audio clip from The Hangover, and, as we all know, using clips from movies that are only a year old is the surest sign that your band sucks. So not surprisingly, the music that follows isn’t good. Surprisingly, though, it’s not intolerable. It’s really more metalcore than deathcore, and even though I’m sick to death of metalcore, at least I can still stomach it. Also, the guitar solo on the first song is actually kinda cool. If I was gonna be locked in a room with either this band or Impurity of Enough Already, I’d definitely choose this band.

EMPIRICAL

Generic melodeath, like Lunesta with a dash of BDM. But at least I recognize what these dudes are trying to do. So far, each band on this list has been a little better than the last, so maybe the final band will actually rule. So let’s move onward!

HALLOWED REAPING

Nope, my theory was wrong. Triple A riffs abound. I can’t even pay attention this is so generic. It’s not even music, just noise playing in the background while I work. Blech.

JOSHUA JUDGES RUTH

If you saw this band’s name and guessed that they played terrible screamo, guess what? You were right! Your prize is that I’ll never write about this band again. Congratualtions!

WHEN GODS FALL

Wait, what the fuck is going on with this band? The “members” section on their MySpace page says one of their guitar players is named Chris… but Chris’ picture is actually a photo of Ben Orum from All Shall Perish. In the words of my grandmother: “Wha???” [NOTE: As some of you have pointed out in the comments section, it’s actually former All Shall Perish guitarist Chris Storey. Whoops. – AR]

What the fucking fuck is going on here? Other photos of the band do not feature Orum, which leads me to believe that he isn’t secretly performing in an unsigned band from Las Vegas under an alias. So, uh, HUH???

In any case, I’m relieved that Ben Orum isn’t actually in this band, ’cause this band is not actually very good. The clean vocals, especially, have to go.

WHERE THE FALLEN LIE

See Empirical. This band is better-produced, though. But, oh wait, there are awful, awful, awful clean vocals in the chorus. Oh, just shoot me, you motherfuckers.

IN SHADOWS EMBRACE

What’s worse, vocalists that use autotune to hide the fact that they can’t sing, or vocalists who can’t sing but don’t use autotune? Of course, my preference would be that if you can’t sing, you don’t become a singer, but that seems like too much to ask these days. But the good news is, you can just refuse to listen to bands whose singers can’t sing. See, I’m turning this band off right now! Done. Easy. Great. Moving on.

CONTROL THE CHAOS

Are there any good non-scene bands from Vegas, or is the metal as superficial as everything else there? Maybe if I was really drunk at an All You Can Eat buffet, all these bands would seem awesome. Generally speaking, though, I liked this band better when they were called Diecast. Oh, wait, no I didn’t.

TAKING SIDES

Killllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

By the way, in case anyone from the band is reading this, THESE ARE SOME OF THE WORST CLEAN “VOCALS” I HAVE EVER HEARD. I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE HUMAN RACE EVER DID TO YOU TO MAKE YOU HATE IT SO BAD, BUT THESE “VOCALS”  ARE CRUEL AND UNUSUAL. YOU SHOULD CUT IT OUT, YOU DEVIOUS BASTARDS. CUT IT RIGHT THE FUCK OUT WITH THAT SHIT.

In conclusion: Let’s hope that the metal made in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

-AR

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