SPEAK ENGLISH OR DÏET
When pairing with Allyson B. Crawford of Bring Back Glam! this summer, I knew I was bringing in a heavyweight expert on one of metal’s most deceptively awesome movements, Glam Metal. However, I couldn’t have predicted the chemistry and kinship that marked our four-part Most Essential Glam Metal Albums roundtable. (Okay, technically it was a rectangulartable. Revisit it here.) Allyson’s pet bands know well that she is a patient, positive ally to even the most commerce-blinded artist. Perhaps what is so admirable is her adherence to basic decency standards on the consequence-free internet. But back in July, it was these same values that muzzled my more vile observations, like those regarding the English language prowess of Sweden’s fantastically rad Crashdïet. Here’s what we did talk about:
Anso: Know what song really peels my banana? “It’s A Miracle”! That song jams! Of course, I’ll ask if you agree that they needed a little help with lyric writing. A line like “You’re like a plague in a wide’n open show” exemplifies their clarity problems.
Allyson: “It’s a Miracle” is my favorite song on the Crashdiet debut. The bass part is fantastic and so is the video. That’s something else about Crashdiet: They really have good videos. It’s like, no one told the guys it’s 2010 and no one plays videos anymore. In Crashdiet land, it’s perpetually 1988 and all music is fun and just rocks. I ignore the subtle language barriers because, overall, I think Lepard was able to get across what he was trying to say.
Loathe to stain our gab session with extreme immaturity, I didn’t pursue the subject to the point of gruesome detail. But now that I’m outside the constraints of conversation with lovely A.B.C., it’s easy for me to point out the unintentional sophomoric hilarity of the abovementioned Crashdïet jam. It’s an amazing song, yes. But, for starters, I can’t resist a smirk during its pre-chorus’ earnest shouts of “I swallow!!” (Oh and now Faith No More’s “Be Aggressive” is forever changed for me.)
Next, we must consider the opening lines of verse two (“I smell your rose/And caress your pedals”) which are two phonetic tweaks away from Steel Panther-level crassness. Yikes. The same verse finds late singer Dave Lepard expressing that he “long[s] to feel you/So deep inside me,” at which point it’s clear that “It’s A Miracle” is a brilliant but un-karaokeable tune. Damn.
All told, it’s proof of Crashdïet’s radness that “It’s A Miracle” survives these gaffes to be an awesome band’s most incredible song anyway. And luckily for puerile jerks like me, there’s no such issue with Rest In Sleaze’s second-awesomest jam, “Queen Obscene/69 Shots” (above, crank it). On the contrary, its an achievement in deft, dirty innuendos to the very same extent that “It’s A Miracle” is a high-watermark of accidental homoerotica and unfortunate syntax. Just don’t tell Allyson that I said so!