Cinemetal

CINEMETAL ROUND-UP: NEW VIDEOS BY EVERY MOTHERTRUCKIN’ ARTIST FROM PORTAL TO BRET MICHAELS

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It was a long weekend, and seemingly eight thousand fucking bands all decided to put out music videos while we were away. Let’s check ’em out and see if any of them are decent, shall we?

First up we have a video for “Larvae” by Portal. This band pushes so many envelopes they were all offered jobs at the post office, so I’m disappointed they couldn’t come up with a more innovative video. This clip is seriously boring as fuck, as I have no idea what’s going on. Which is how some people feel about Portal’s music, I guess. So, in that regard, this video is a success!

Next up we have the video for Bret Michaels’ cover of “What I Got” by Sublime. As is the case with the Portal video, I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Sublime were a bunch of honkeys trying to sound like brothers in the name of getting suburban pot heads everywhere laid, so, of course, Michaels has somehow simultaneously made the song sound whiter and less likely to make sixteen year old girls chug peach schnapps (“It tastes like candy!!!”). Then he hired the same people who made my bar mitzvah video to direct this clip. This might be the single worst video of the year. Also, anyone who uses the phrase “mothertruckin’” should have his tongue cut out, and then be beaten to death with that tongue. Of course, I will now use that very word to irritate people for the rest of the day.

At least Bret managed to sneak in a C.C. DeVille cameo at the twenty-six second mark:

CINEMETAL ROUND-UP: NEW VIDEOS BY EVERY MOTHERTRUCKIN’ ARTIST FROM PORTAL TO BRET MICHAELS

Metal Underground premiered the below video for Ill Nino’s “Against the Wall.” It’s a mothertruckin’ nu-metal video, so, of course, it’s all about some dude not getting along with his woman. And then the band is in the woods for some reason, and in case that wasn’t random enough, at least one of them is standing in giant puddle. (Don’t you dare say it’s a swamp. I’ve seen a swamp, friends, and that ain’t no fucking swamp.) And then there’s, like, monsters and stuff. I dunno. Fuck this band in the ear.

Next up is “Last Fight” by Ektomorf. This band is so mothertruckin’ generic and boring I can’t even think of a good insult for them.

Next is “Undertow” by Mr. Big. If I knew that Mr. Big were still around, I have forgotten that I knew that. In any case, I think this is pretty boring, but it’s not embarrassing. It’s more or less exactly what I’d expect from Mr. Big in 2010. At least they don’t use the mothertruckin’ word “mothertruckin’,” y’know?

I don’t know who Teräsbetoni are, but after seeing their video for “Metalliolut,” I do know that I want to rape and pillage with them at their earliest convenience. Seriously, this video is MOTHERTRUCKIN’ METAL AS FUCK. I kinda wish they’d had an orgy with the redhead and the goat before they killed and ate the goat, but I understand that that might be considered “in bad taste,” even by viking and folk metal standards. In any case, this video rules.

At first I thought this was Saigon Kick’s video for “Love is on the Way,” but it’s actually Angband’s clip for “Forsaken Dreams.” In any case, the song is pretty generic, but the mothertruckin’ vocals need to die, die, die my darling. This shit is seriously whack like a heart attack, yo.

Based on their name, I assumed that ModelSaint would be some awful modern day hair metal band. And based on their video for “Starin’ Down a Loaded Barrel,” I assumed correctly. There’s some bondage porn interspersed with the performance video, but I have no mothertruckin’ idea know why. The song is terrible. It looks like the dude’s barber cut his hair with a blindfold on. Fuck this noise.

In conclusion, someone please bring Teräsbetoni to the States right mothertruckin’ now.

-AR

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