Metal Merch


  • Axl Rosenberg


So our broskis over at Metal Injection came across this Norwegian website, which is selling candles shaped like a church so that you can, according to the product description, “burn your own stave without getting up from the couch.” Because I don’t know about you guys, but that’s really the only reason I’ve never burned a church down — it’s just so much effort to go out, get the gasoline, douse the church, light the fire, etc.

I’d like to think that the metal community (or, more specifically, the black metal community) views church burnings as a dark moment in our collective history, and not something to be celebrated, but I guess I’m in the minority, because not only did the initial run of a hundred candles sell out already, but these things aren’t cheap — Metal Injection says that the price is “£199, which translates to roughly $315 American.” I don’t know who the fuck would ever pay that much for the privilege of burning down a church in effigy, especially when you could just build your own fake church from popsicle sticks for roughly 1/63rd the cost. But then you’d have to, y’know, get off the couch.

In other news, this same company is now working on Varg Vikernes: The Video Game, which is basically a rip-off of Goldeneye, except that instead of a first-person shooter, it’s a first-person stab-your-bandmate-twenty-three-timeser.


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