SORRY, DUDES, BUT THESE AIN’T ELEPHANTS MARCHING RIFFS

I was elated to see all the recommendations for good elephants marching riffs following my love letter to that conceit earlier this week. I was a little less elated to discover that there’s almost as much confusion over what qualifies as an elephants marching riff as is there over what qualifies as a taco riff.

For example, here are some excellent riffs by some excellent bands that some of you excellently suggested but which are, rather unexcellently, not elephants marching riffs:

Mastodon, “March of the Fire Ants” — Brad suggested this awesome song, but it’s way too fast to be an elephants marching riff, despite the band’s name.

Amon Amarth, “Tattered Banners and Bloody Flags“ — Still too fast, Meester Derp. This might be, like, an elephants jogging riff, but not quite what we’re looking for.

Unleashed, “Midvinterblot“ — Too… fucking… fast… kingben.

Pelican, “Dead Between The Walls“ — Getting closer, but still too fast, Dregalodon.

Corrosion of Conformity, “Bottom Feeder (El Que Come Abajo)” — Sorry, bucketochicken, that’s really just a sludge riff, duder. There’s no sense of leaden gallop to it at all. It is a killer riff, though.

Irepress, “Diaspora” (starting at 0:51) — Not at all, Brock. Way too angular, way too jumpy. Maybe a three-legged elephant hopping riff, but not an elephants marching riff.

Deftones, “You’ve Seen the Butcher“ — To answer your question, Rusty McThulhu, no, this does not count as an elephants marching riff. There’s too much stop-start.

Eluveitie, “Uis Elveti“ — I don’t even know where to begin with this one, which came from cougar party. Fail.

But I appreciate all the suggestions, guys! Keep ’em coming. YouTube links/specific times you want me to listen are much appreciated.

And then in the next day or two I’ll write about some of my favorite reader recommended elephants marching riffs.

-AR