Green Eggs and Slam


  • Sergeant D


Teenagers are always doing stupid, embarrassing shit in public, especially the ones who listen to metal. One of the most popular (and potentially humiliating) things a kid can do is enter their high school’s talent show, in particular if they make the mistake of playing a metal song in hopes of impressing their peers. For example, when I was in 9th or 10th grade, I was in a horrible band that played a Black Flag song in front of our school. Nobody thought it was cool, they just laughed at us. Thank god Youtube didn’t exist then, like it does for these dumb kids who embarrassed themselves by trying to be cool in front of their peers.

One-man cover of “Enter Sandman” so horrid and amateurish that it sounds like a StSanders video (vocals, bass, 2nd guitar, and drums not included). The fun starts at 1:05, after an equally painful/unfunny intro skit.

Interesting medley of Less Than Jake and Dillinger Escape Plan (srs). Results are exactly what you would expect.

I can’t tell if this Katatonia cover is good or not, because from what I understand black metal is supposed to sound like something made by high school kids with partial deafness and Asperger’s???

If Harry Potter tried to sound like Phil Anselmo, it would probably turn out like this. The vocals start at :40, but my favorite part is the chorus at 1:20 (you can hear the cute, popular girls burst out laughing, not to be confused with the sound of his confidence shattering).

Why do the “quirky” fat kids in high school always wear novelty hats?? I also love that this video is posted by “HEXEROFFICIAL”– presumably so nobody gets them confused with the many Hexer imposters.

This isn’t technically a talent show performance, but I couldn’t pass up this A7X cover [via mom’s front lawn]. And actually, the guitar tone is kind of sick!


The video title says this is a cover of Suiside Silence, but it just sounds like avant-garde art/noisecore to me. Either way, grass = never brutal.

Dying Fetus karaoke — is this real life?!

As soon as the band starts playing this dreadful Killswitch Engage cover at :10, the popular girls flee (an event that they will become very familiar with over the years).

This high school appears to have a lot of alternative teens, with two different bands covering both KSE and Chiodos in the same talent show. Highlights of this performance include the guitarist (a ginger, wearing shorts, glasses, and a CAPE) and the singer’s painfully-contrived stage moves (probably watched a bunch of Austin Carlile videos on YouTube and practiced in the mirror).

As if covering Attack Attack! wasn’t shameful enough, these kids go so far as to play the beginning of the song right off the album. My favorite part is at 1:14 where the singer says, “Hey, turn the iPod up!” The bassist’s failed guitar flip at 4:35 is pretty good too, though.

I was initially a little hesitant about including two Attack Attack! covers, but this one is too good to miss. It’s not just a shitty cover, it’s almost like a little documentary about this band’s talent show performance! They are from Laredo, TX, and apparently all the teens there look like they are in Pierce The Veil. Highlights of this video include the singer combing his hair at :50 while someone in the background says “put your bangs down, dude” and the part where they list the member of the band, including “Crew: Jerry/Raul.”

Aside from the guitars being a bit out of tune, this A Day To Remember cover isn’t too bad musically. The vocals, on the other hand, are so horrible they could be mistaken for a sarcastic joke.

You almost feel bad for these kids who covered Death “The Philosopher” at their talent show, because they are probably really smart and passionate about music. Unfortunately, that is also exactly why they will be miserable outcasts for the rest of their lives.


Which is the best song in this post?? Did you ever embarrass yourself by being in a shitty band and playing in front of your school???? Did the kid in the Pantera cover band make you think he was the real Phil Anselmo????

-Sergeant D.

Sergeant D. displays a high school level of talent every day at Stuff You Will Hate.

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