Hipsters Out Of Metal!



Don’t you love classic Van Halen? It’s amazing how that band’s music can just save your day. It’s been my go-to cure for post-American Idol misery; it’s Listerine for the ear, and a reminder of what true excellence sounds like. It’s Prozac for PISD (Post Idol Stress Disorder) and a reset button on any mood soured by three phony-ass judges slinging horseshit like stableboys late for a date. See, David Lee Roth and Eddie Van Halen can drown out even the echoes of judge Jennifer Lopez’s barbed whine as she pays lip service to “finding your voice” — yeah like she’s done with her wack new single about ballin’ up in da club, the dick-biting hack — and her more-than-occasional retorts to fellow judge Randy Jackson. (I don’t get that. She already had her turn, so like shut it, harpee!).

While we’re talking VH, can we all agree to end this silly farce already with the new bass player? I don’t give a fuck who he is; whether he’s Ed’s high school-aged son or fucking Jesus Christ, it is a side issue; Michael Anthony is Van Halen. His and Ed’s backing vocals absolutely jam on those records (like here), each of which is way better than what Idol judges can’t stop calling true creativity and great artistry. Those duo vox comprise, like, 35% of the band’s appeal, so the Van Halens should put that shit back together. We, the fans, declare amnesty; we want only what is right. Plus, if the young Van Halen is as brilliant as Ed thinks, he will earn his own chances. (Same goes for these “beautiful, perfect” Idol singers.) Van Halen just is not Wolfgang’s band. It’s Michael Anthony’s, the brothers’, and Dave’s. Period. Get Michael and pay him. And Ted Templeman too. That would counteract any and all effects of American Idol, cancerous shitpile of ear-AIDS.

Okay thanks for sticking around for paragraph #3, by which point I think we’ve established that thinking about/listening to the music of Van Halen is serving as a defense mechanism to prevent my re-living the mind-blowingly stupid, untrue nonsense spewed this week by Steven Tyler (the high preist of hooey), ‘Fer-‘Pez (SYFF), Randy Jackson (how much does it cost Idol to lease your honesty, dog?), guest fucktard Sheryl Crow (want a salt lick, girl?), and each blubbering, fam’ly-lovin’, Bin Laden-hatin’ individualist genius contestant who these days would happily agree to be shat on in exchange for the Idol crown. And because of the show’s near-total resistance to real, useful critique by “your Idol judges,” I’m counteracting this you’re-all-winners jive with a nudge upwards on my assholo-stat. So here comes your stabbiest Idol Remains shitcard ever! We measure in Danzigs ‘round here!


Song (current) “Closer To The Edge” 30 Suckonds To Mars
Song (the ‘60s) “Without You” Harry Nilsson
The Scoop Um, I could swear that up there it says Heavy Metal James Durbin.
Production notes Let’s unleash a monster load of hyperbole and non-truths straight away with Randy’s assertion that 30 Seconds To Mars is a “great rock band” and a ‘Fer-‘Pez declaration that James is ready to play stadiums.
Anso’s Asshole Advice Do a fucking Maiden song, pussy.
Rating Not even one Danzig
Steven Tyler sez “Nice goin’, man. Beautiful.”


Song (current) “With No Air” Jordin Sparks f/Chris Brown
Song (the ‘60s) “Love Hurts” The Everly Brothers
The scoop Somewhere in the south of France, a chill runs down Seal’s spine.
Production notes Um, on behalf of all Idol viewers I ask that Jacob’s voice be taken out of the monitors used by the backing singers. He’s corrupting their pitch recognition.
Anso’s Asshole Advice Try marrying Heidi Klum?
Rating -5 Danzigs
Steven Tyler sez “I love your voice. Every time you sing, you bring something new.” (I.e. notes that never before existed.)

Voted off god bless


Song (current) “Flat On The Floor” Carrie Underwood
Song (the ‘60s) “Unchained Melody” The Righteous Brothers
The scoop Sad. I guess Lauren just doesn’t understand how to entertain, only how to sing.
Production notes Hey, does anyone remember that really distracting and sexy dude fiddle player with the sparkly shirt and the hair all flat-ironed half to shit? Let’s get him!
Anso’s Asshole Advice Lauren, do you truly “hunger for [my] touch”? That’s entrapment.
Rating Not even one Danzig
Steven Tyler sez “The sky’s the limit. I think you’re it.”


Song (current) “Gone” Montgomery Gentry
Song (the ‘60s) “Always On My Mind” Brenda Lee
The scoop Um, hey geniuses? “Always On My Mind” is from the ’70s
Production notes Say, just asking, what are those two way hot, blonde, way smiley backing singers doing Saturday? They’re both invited to a little to my place for a get-together at half-past boner time.
Anso’s Asshole Advice The one with the bangs is hotter, kinda like an American version of Anita Pallenberg. The other one probably does anal.
Rating A negation of all that is Danzig.
Steven Tyler sez “Scotty, my man. Up to now, you’ve been like a Puritan, y’know? But I swear to god I saw you dance with the devil tonight.”


Song (current/future): An unreleased Lady Gaga song, “You And I”
Song (the ‘60s): “The House of the Rising Sun” The Animals
The scoop Haley was granted permission by Lady Gaga himself to do the big-hooked jam.
Production notes This week, Haley again works at a disadvantage after she was pitched by Jimmy “Ballcap” Iovine to learn an entirely new song from scratch. Well, Gaga songs can be entirely new only to those who don’t listen to Madonna, BulletBoys, or MSG. So there’s that.
Anso’s Asshole Advice Judge Randy Jackson really took a dump on Haley’s Lady Gaga gambit; then he led a standing ovation for Haley’s unremarkable rendition of that painful Animals miss. Huh. In a lot of ways, me and Jackson are very different people.
Rating One Danzig (I Luciferi-era)
Steven Tyler sez “When someone can take a song they don’t know and make it work, that’s a beautiful thing.”


MetalSucks’ Idol Remains returns next week when in a bid for ratings supremacy over The Voice, Steven Tyler will chop and snort J. Lo’s asscheeks.

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