Board to Death

BOARD TO DEATH: THE NO OZZFEST IN 2011 EDITION

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It has literally been years since we’ve done a new edition of “Board to Death,” the column in which we make fun of people on internet message boards, because we’re nice people like that. But last night Ozzy Osbourne’s intern made this announcement on the Ozzfest Facebook page

…and while I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would care in light of the fact that there’s still The Rockstar Energy Drink Mayhem Festival featuring the Jagermeister Mobile Stage, Vans Warped Tour, The Rockstar Energy Drink Uproar Tour, Summer Slaughter, Slaughter Survivors, Slaughter Slaughter, The All Stars Tour, The Cool Tour (actually I don’t think that one is coming back but still), The Old People Doing Glam for the Sake of Nostalgia Tour, The Hellmann’s Dijon Mustard Extreme Grindcore Festival, and eighteen thousand other Ozzfests that aren’t called Ozzfest. But some people do care, and those people left inadvertently hilarious messages under this announcement.

I’m not gonna do screencaps for all of these, nor am I going to identify everyone by their full name, because it’s been seven whole days since someone last threatened to sue us and I’d like to see if we can make it as far as ten days. But obviously it would be very easy for you to just go to the aforementioned Facebook page and see who I’m talking about.

And on that note, here are some of my favorite comments…

So first like two dozen people all make the same Facebook joke about how they “dislike” this status, or wanna know where the “dislike” button is on their Facebook page. Because there’s nothing like expressing your displeasure via an unoriginal joke that wasn’t even funny in 2005.

Then, Melissa writes:

“WASNT GOING TO GO THIS YEAR ANYWAY SINCE NOONE WILL ANSWER ME ABOUT THE CAMDEN PARKING REFUNDS!… its cool if your not gna refund the money just say so…….”

Yes, Melissa. Not only does Ozzy personally oversee all funds collected from the parking lot at Ozzfest in Camden, New Jersey, but he also reads this Facebook page and takes your concerns seriously. I applaud you for dealing with this issue through the appropriate channels. I’m sure that not only will Ozzy now issue you a refund, but will send Gus G. to deliver that refund personally.

Jeff writes:

“then next years needs to be like 99 or 2000 tours line up. and make it at the gorge and not white river (washington)”

I just reviewed the line-ups for those years and I can’t for the life of me figure out who the fuck Jeff wants to come back. Black Sabbath? Pantera? Not in the cards. Apartment 26? Shuvel? I don’t even know who those bands are and I literally spend all day every day thinking about this nonsense. Does he just mean the line-ups need to be like ’99 or 2000 in a metaphorical sense — like he thinks those years had the strongest line-ups? If so, I suggest he go bury himself with all his Godsmack and Primer 55 CDs. I’m sure he can find a nice plot of land at the gorge and not white river (washington).

Justin writes:

“THANKS ALOT FOR LETTING ALOT OF DOWN.I HAD THE MONEY SAVED UP FOR THE VIP PACKAGE. THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE MY YEAR AND YOU TOOK THAT AWAY.!!!!”

I can’t believe that Ozzy didn’t think of Justin and his desire to pay an exorbitant fee for the privilege of having some roadie give him a burned hamburger and a tour of the part of the backstage area where no bands are walking around when making this decision. What a selfish prick.

Scott writes:

“what a faggot”

This is an astute observation, Scott. For surely, there is no way a heterosexual man would allow this summer to go by without a festival showcasing some of metal’s brightest bands (whose labels can afford to buy the band’s way onto the bill) and an old man doing lots of frog hops. Now somebody get Ozzy some cock!

Mark writes:

“Thats what happens when you have motley crue in 2010 its all down hill from there.”

Yes. If they’d had Motley Crue in 2009 or sooner, it all would have been fine. But having them in 2010, well, that was totally fucked.

David writes:

“each year it seems ozzfest becomes a bigger and bigger disappointment.”

Well, David, it won’t be a disappointment this year!

Mike writes:

“damn need to find another vacation spot”

What… what the fuck? Does this guy seriously use his local Ozzfest as a “vacation spot?” What the fuck does that even mean? Does he take a week off from work on either side of the show and spend that time sleeping in the parking lot? And, if so, can he please tell Melissa whether or not she’s gonna get her damn refund?

Ashton writes:

“Hay clam the fuck down he just did s big tour on the us soo calm down people”

Yeah! Everyone just clam the fuck down. Ashton, I believe the children are our future.

ANYWAY… see everyone at Mayhem Fest!

-AR

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