IDOL REMAINS LIVE 10: HAIL F*CKING SATAN
As I write this, the insanity of week fucking 17 (!) of American Idol‘s season ten (!!) hasn’t really sunk in yet. It was that mind-fuckingly insulting, pandering, and retardening. See, the guest mentor was Lady Gaga (attired in a way that could not be more distracting to the Idol hopefuls) and she, like Poochie, is just so damn edgy and extreme and viral; in the face of her um I guess pernicious influence, American Idol producers opted to strenuously counteract any potential disapproval from the mythic moral heartland with shitloads of god, 9/11 rhetoric, and peckerwood platitudes. One singer’s antidote to a making Gaga’s acquaintance was to fervently kiss a neck-worn cross; another refused to sing the line “I am evil.”
After this abominable week, Idol producers, judges, contestants, and sponsors would be wise to acknowledge something: Some people are your sworn enemies. They work behind the scenes. They know people. They move with invisibility. They are like Fight Club. And if they so choose, no Idol people shall ever again encounter a meal that hasn’t been farted on, a hotel towel that hasn’t been dick-wiped, or a mic that hasn’t been incubated between two hot, hairy asscheeks. These things happen.
Ahem until then, here comes your Idol Remains recap of crap, your scorecard of hardcore bore, your summary of bummary. Man, this show sucks donkey dicks.
HEAVY METAL JAMES DURBIN
Song (inspirational) “Don’t Stop Believin’” Journey
Song (by Lieber and Stoller) “Love Potion #9” The Clovers
The scoop Hey, somebody’s done Journey karaoke a few million times, eh champ?
Production notes Hmm, running out of wardrobe for Jennifer Lopez. Oh shit, how about an all-American denim cocktail dress and Highlander-style two-level ‘do? USA! USA! USA!
Steven Tyler sez “Blah blah blah beautiful. Yadda yadda unbelievable. You did it, man.”
Anso’s Asshole Advice Do a Skid Row song, pussy.
Song (inspirational) “Earth Song” Michael Jackson
Song (by Lieber and Stoller) “I Who Have Nothing” Ben E. King
The scoop Judges hated on Haley’s choice of the MJ jam. It’s like, hey Haley, pick a song that you find inspirational. No no, not that song.
Production notes Ha, Randy Jackson describes Idol singers with the same language he used to hype the promotional soft drink cups atop the judges’ table. Classy.
Steven Tyler sez “Something something perfect. Rah rah rah you are gorgeous. Your voice is responsible for the sun and orgasms.”
Anso’s Asshole Advice Maybe judges would’ve warmed had Haley done a song that Jackson played on, right James?
COUNTREH BOAH SCOTTY MCCREERY
Song (inspirational) “Where Were You When The World Stopped Turning?” Alan ‘War Profiteer’ Jackson
Song (by Lieber and Stoller) “Young Blood” The Coasters
The scoop Scotty is inspired by a tune narrated by a “simple man” who “doesn’t know the difference between Iraq and Iran.” That’s the problem, douche.
Production notes For starters, Scotty, you proudly ignorant bandwagon dildo, where were you for 9/11? Kindergarten? But srs thanks for helping me make sense of all the madness here in the wake of Bin Laden’s death, junior. I’ve really turned a corner.
Steven Tyler sez “Now I can love again, thanks to your yokel schtick and phony-ass sloganeering. Your voice will save earth.”
Anso’s Asshole Advice Scotty, you chickenshit fake-ass redneck chump.
LAUREN THE WINNER
Song (inspirational) “Anyway” Martina McBride
Song (by Lieber and Stoller) “Trouble” Elvis Presley
The scoop Holy shit. More Gawd Bless ‘Merica grandstanding? These chumps are desperate!
Production notes Couldn’t hear ya, Lauren. Your jacket’s too loud.
Steven Tyler sez “Lauren, mine and all life has been a lie until this moment. I give up my will, abandon my family, and step down from Aerosmith to devote my existence to your gift. I am your vessel. Who shall I smite to prove it?”
Anso’s Asshole Advice In the future, Lauren might take care to avoid the contradiction of refusing to sing the line “I am evil” (it’s a song, retard) while dressed as a host of the Hail Satan network.
MetalSucks’ Idol Remains returns next week, and the week after that, then that’s it. This cavalcade of dicklessness is almost over! Stab it! Send it to hell!