QUESTION OF THE WEEK: IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND PLAY ANY METAL BAND/MUSICIAN SOME OF THEIR MUSIC AND/OR SHOW THEM PHOTOS/VIDEOS OF THEMSELVES FROM THEIR FUTURE, WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
Banner Designed by Cysquatch
Welcome to “Question of the Week,” a (not really at all) weekly debate amongst the MetalSucks staff regarding a recent hot button issue.
We haven’t done one one of these all summer, but we came up with a fun one for this week:
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME AND PLAY ANY METAL BAND/MUSICIAN SOME OF THEIR MUSIC AND/OR SHOW THEM PHOTOS/VIDEOS OF THEMSELVES FROM THEIR FUTURE (OUR PRESENT), WHO WOULD IT BE AND WHY?
The MS staff’s answers after the jump.
I mean, I could basically just run down this list person-by-person, but I know we’re only s’posed to choose one band/artist. And it seems like the responsible thing to do would be to find Kurt Cobain, show him some recent video of Courtney Love, and be like, “Do you really wanna kill yourself and leave your daughter with this?” But to hell with responsible! I’d play Slash the Fergie/Cypress Hill version of “Paradise City” that he recorded for his solo album. And if, for some reason, he was all, “What’s the big deal? I think it’s rad!”, I would just kill him. It’s not like anyone’s gonna catch me; I’m from the future!
The first thing that jumped into my mind (and probably everyone else’s too) was to play old-school Metallica anything they’ve done in the last fifteen years (ESPECIALLY the movie Some Kind of Monster, Lars Ulrich’s cameo in Get Him to the Greek, and, of course, all those shitty albums). A couple of other choices would be to show Black Sabbath-era Ozzy his family’s show The Osbournes and Gene Simmons his reality show, too. It’d also be truly hilarious to play the Timbaland-produced Chris Cornell solo album Scream for Soundgarden in 1991.
I’d gently, confidentially, and nurturingly gather each metal band that froze up, chickened out, and/or took half-measures to survive the ’90s. I’d journey to 1989, play them their Clinton-era heavy alt-rock cop-out stuff — then their present-day return-to-metal stuff — in the hopes that it would prevent their impending crises of confidence and lapses in skill. I would close by surveying the work of Slayer from the same periods. See, I’d say, you’ll be okay. I’d coo while massaging their shoulders, “Stop chasing the charts, dollars, and pussy with ballads, haircuts, and dialled-down distortion. It’s about metal music, long hair, and fun.” And then I’d bang Samantha Fox, stock up on Jams and sneakers, do some sports wagering, and then bam! back to 2011.
While I’m tempted to pick someone who’s fallen from grace pretty hard, you gotta wonder how they’d actually react. While most people would dread becoming the walking shambles Ozzy has, I bet coked out ’70s Ozzy would be in awe that he lived past the age of thirty. And while Master of Puppets-era Metallica may be horrified by the fat, lazy YEAH-rock of Load and Reload along with their primped and clean-cut images (and James Hetfield may be a little curious about what happens to his face, too), they may also think, “Shit, this is awful. We must be making SO MUCH MONEY with it!” And who’s to say Trey Azagthoth hasn’t secretly wanted to make bad goth-techno songs this whole time, or all Judas Priest wanted to do was perform on an annoyingly ubiquitous American singing competition TV show? Maybe what I’d be most interested in, then, would be going back and playing Wasting Light for Scream drummer Dave Grohl and watching his face go white and/or shit his pants over the prospect of him being the frontman for this generation’s Journey. If he doesn’t storm out of the room, then I’ll tell him that he gets to make a metal album with Tom G. Warrior, Lemmy, King Diamond, and so on somewhere along the way, too.
While the obvious answer is Metallica, I’m going to approach this somewhat differently. What I’d do is go back to 2000 play the second Hellyeah album for Mudvayne frontman Chad Grey. Ideally I’d catch him on the set of the “Dig” video covered in body paint. Then I’d shake him and say “One day you’ll be in a band with the drummer from Pantera and it will sound like THIS!” I’d also use the opportunity to provide the 2000 version of myself with a sports almanac and then fly away on my hoverboard.
Show Axl Rose (circa “Welcome to the Jungle”) what he looks like overweight and with dreads. Preferably at that god awful MTV Video Music Awards performance.
In Flames, without a doubt. While there are plenty of bands who’ve gotten much worse over the years (Cryptopsy, etc.), none of them have made an impact on the metal community like In Flames did. They’re still a gateway band for a lot of people, and it would definitely be better for those people to be introduced into metal via actual good music rather than something like Sounds of a Playground Fading.
Okay, kiddies, now it’s your turn! Weigh in with your answer to the question of the week below.