BREAKING: ANTHRAX’S CHARLIE BENANTE SIGNS WITH NEW YORK METS

Just one week after playing in Yankee Stadium with Anthrax as part of the “Big 4” show, drummer Charlie Benante has shocked both the metal and baseball worlds by announcing his decision to ditch metal and throw away his long-time allegiance to the New York Yankees; Benante is now a New York Met.

“It was the show in Yankee Stadium that did it to me. I was disgusted by the attitude and hubris of that organization and their fans. What a bunch of pompous lunks,” said Benante when asked about signing with the cross-town rivals of his childhood favorite team. “I like being the underdog. Let’s be honest, the Mets stink right now and could use my help.” Indeed, with Mets owners Fred Wilpon and Saul Katz in deep financial trouble due to the pending lawsuit from Bernie Madoff recovery fund trustee Irving Picard, Benante provides an affordable option for the Mets moving forward.

Few knew Benante had the skills to compete in the big leagues: “Truth is I last played when I was 12, but I auditioned for Sandy Alderson and the rest of the Mets brass last week privately at Citi Field and I guess they liked what they saw.” With Johan Santana’s return dubious, the rest of the Mets starting rotation up in the air save for knuckle-baller R.A. Dickey and a number of touted pitching prospects such as Matt Harvey and Zach Wheeler not slated to reach the majors until 2013, Benante has a legitimate shot of making the big league club next year. Scouts described his fastball as “below average” but noted he excelled at keeping hitters off-balance with a devastating 12-6 curveball and a deceptively good sinker that results in a lot of ground balls.

Benante will be joining some of the younger Mets in the Arizona Fall League upon the completion of the upcoming Anthrax tour with Testament. From there his in-game skills will be evaluated and a game plan for next season will be reached. He figures to compete for a job as the #4 or #5 behind Santana [hopefully], Dickey, Jonathan Niese and possibly Mike Pelfrey, should the Mets choose to offer the big guy arbitration. He also might be a good fit for the long-man out of the bullpen.

On behalf of Mets fans everywhere, I’d like to extend a very warm welcome to Charlie Benante. You’ll like it in Flushing; the chinese food is sick, bro. Ask Scott Ian.

-VN