VAN HALEN IS OLD AS F*CK :(
I had shall we say a moment of clarity about Van Halen this week. It’s nothing bad and nobody’s fault. I love. To me, they score highest in all categories of awesomeness since The Beatles srs. And thusly, I think fans flex on lots of bullcrap. Like, no Michael Anthony? Uh okay. Your teen son in his place? If you say he’s cool, then cool. Shirtless in those white capris brah? Fuckin’ have to trust you on that, I will! And the super secret recording sessions? Fuck it! Like the song says, I’ll wait. Ditto for Aerosmith.
My, like, epiphany isn’t about something they’ve done that freaked me out. There exists no action to be undertaken by Van Halen that could disinterest me in their DLR-inclusive shit. But here I’ll reprise the headline as I explain the wake-up call I received the other day: Holy fuck Van Halen is old as all shit.
Here’s what happened: I watched an internet video of 2007 Van Halen in concert and I started thinking, man those guys move oldly. Then a bit of advanced research confirmed my suspicions: In a practical sense, the men of Van Halen were born a thousand years ago. In the fuckity fuckin’ 1950s! Only recently did medicine make it possible to live to their age! That is, the age they were at four years ago!
I so love. I love even footage of Diamond Dave kinda jrunk ‘n shiddy on the Skyscraper tour, but this reunited VH Silver reaches a newer, scarier level. They’re not complacent or however you’d describe them in the ’90s either; the unit sounds good esp Alex (lovvve youuuu). Again, they’re not over it or totally out of it, just old while doing it. The implications:
Time is of the essence. I restate that this is straight love talking: As old-ass people, the three OG VH guys should maybe work quickly? That’s before ya figure in the overpartying, illnesses, and the chance that California will earthquake everybody all to fuck at some point. Really, they created this amazing band and must stop lording it over everybody, laboring at perfection, or whatever the fuck lolz. C’mon chop chop! Four more albums! Clock is ticking.
Concerts awkward. In 1999, I saw the reunited Black Sabbath with Pantera and dreadlock guy w/didgeridoo band. I blubbered through “After Forever.” It was a touching scene. Ditto for Bruce’s return to Maiden that same year and “The Evil That Men Do.” So I expected irresistible attraction to/super fun from newly-Daved Van Halen concert events. But I haven’t attended. In a way, I’ve been avoiding eye contact.
Anso DF = innovative action, dynamic solutions. It’s a jump of faith but I’ll go ahead and operate on the premise that the in-progress album by Van Halen will come out in the near-ish future. Then there shall be a tour, I say. These things must and will happen. And at some stops in the tour, I’ll suck it up and attend while super on drugz and with my contacts out and bam! that’s called getting the most of a finite thing.
Van Halen’s new record is awesome according to elite insiders. Release date is TBA in defiance of nature.