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JONATHAN DAVIS BELIEVES IN THE ILLUMINATI, SANTA CLAUS

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Does anyone happen to know if Fred Durst believes in Underpants Gnomes or anything like that? I ask because I’m starting to notice an amusing little pattern: the vocalists for truly, irredeemably moronic bands often seem to hold ridiculous conspiracy theories in high regard.  ‘Cause first we learned that Frankie Palmeri from Emmure believes in UFOs and Bohemian Grove and shit like that, and now Korn’s Jonathan Davis has apparently written a song about how President Obama is a member of the Illuminati, a.k.a. “the bad guys from that one really bad Tom Hanks movie.”

Discussing the track “Illuminati” from the band’s recent dubstep release, The Path of Banality, Davis told Billboard the following:

“I feel like Obama’s an Illuminati puppet. He’s basically dragged this country down into the worst it’s ever been. Like I say about the White House, ‘You’ve built this house of shame’. Everybody looked up at the White House and America and now I think it’s like a house of shame. I miss the old days when people were proud to be American.”

My issue with Davis’ comment isn’t that he doesn’t like Obama, ’cause honestly I could give a fuck who gets a vote from the dude that wrote “A.D.I.D.A.S.” I don’t even really care that he seems to think Obama is single-handedly responsible for the fact that people don’t “look up at the White House” anymore (I think he meant “look up to the White House” — depending on where you’re standing, you may very well be able to just look straight on at the White House without tilting your head towards the sky), when, really, that began way back with Richard Nixon turning out to be, y’know, a crook… if not earlier.

My issue is that it isn’t enough for Davis to simply to say “He’s basically dragged this country down into the worst it’s ever been” (Into the worst what, you fucking twit? Use your words.) and leave it at that. He has to add that Obama is part of a massive conspiratorial organization. I mean, there are massive conspiratorial organizations in the world — pretty much the entire banking industry, for example — but as far as I know, none of them are dumb enough to meet in a club house under the banner of the Illuminati, or Bohemian Grove, or SPECTRE, or whatever.

There is one big difference between Davis’ silly beliefs and Palmeri’s silly beliefs, which is that the Illuminati, unlike, say, characters from Final Fantasy, are not purely fictional — we know that, at least at one point in history, they really did exist. But I have a hard time believing that they hold any sway over our modern society, or that our president is their “puppet.”

Of course, I also think Korn sucks, so clearly I know nothing about anything, and Davis, the single greatest artist his generation has ever known, may actually be 110% correct. Or maybe… just maybe… I, too, am a puppet of the Illuminati! BWA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!!!

And so I leave you, once again, with this little gem:

-AR

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