Black Metal Brunch

BLACK METAL BRUNCH: SURVIVING THE CURSE OF MEASTEROS

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HELLO INFERIORS. TODAY IS DAY OF PATHETIC IMPORTANCE IN THE MYTHOLOGY OF THE CHRISTIANITE THEOCRATS. TODAY, RATHER THAN BE PRODUCTIVE AS VIKING ANCESTORS, AND SKIN A RAT, CURE HORSE MEAT, OR CLEAR DUST OUT OF EIGHT TRACKS (DIGITAL IS FOR FINNS! HA!), ALL THE #SUCCULENT LITTLE CHRISTIAN BABIES WILL RAM INTO THE PEWS OF LOCAL WALMART® OR ASSOCIATED CONSUMERIST FALSE CHURCH, ASSUMING IT IS NOT ALREADY OVER FILLED WITH BIBLICAL LIES AND METASTISIZING PSYCHOSEXUAL MALADIES. HA!

THESE CHILDREN; FLESHULOUS, MAYONNAISE PLUMP, SUGGESTIBLE, WILL HEAR TELL OF A MAGNIFICENT DRUNKEN HIPPIE WHO DANCED WITH WHORES AND LEPERS BEFORE ENDURING DEATH BY AN INFERIOR PEOPLE FRUSTRATED THEY ONLY HAD CRACKERS IN THEIR STORE ROOMS THAT WEEK. THEY WILL HEAR HOW THE HIPPIE, DEAD AS THE DREAMS OF ANCESTORS, WAS TAKEN INTO A CAVE BY A MONSTROUS RABBIT OF AMBIGUOUS GENDER AND CRUELEST DEMEANOR. THEY WILL HEAR THE MANY NAMES OF RABBIT, IN LATE SUMERIAN MEES-TU-KRAN, IN ARAMAIC MEES-TARACH, AND IN THE MOST KNOWN GREEK, MEASTEROS.  THEY WILL HEAR TELL OF THE CAVE IN WHICH MEASTEROS CONSUMED THE HIPPIE, AND THEN EXCRETED HIM IN A MIGHTY EGG WHOSE YOLK CONTAINED THE ZOMBIE VIRUS.

VERILY, MY PRECIOUS INFERIORS, THIS IS THE EGG THAT WOULD YOKE THE WORLD! IN A MONTH THIS ZOMBIE CHRIST ASCENDED TO HEAVEN IN SEARCH OF DIVINE BRAINS, VOWING TO ONLY RETURN WHEN THE WORLD WAS SUFFICIENTLY OVER RAN WITH SLAVISH INFERIORS, FOREVER SUPPLICATING FEALTY TO HIM A DIVINE ZOMBIE WHO HAD PASSED THROUGH THE G.I. TRACT OF A RABBIT. HOW HE WAS BOTH RABBIT AND ZOMBIE, GOD AND MAN, IS A QUESTION FOR THE LOGICIANS TOWERED HIGH IN IVORY.

BECAUSE THERE IS NEITHER GOD, CARE, OR PITY IN THIS UNIVERSE. SOME CHILDREN WILL BE FORCED TO HEAR THIS STORY IN THE ORIGINAL GERMAN.

SO WHAT IS A SATANIC NIHILIST TO DO IN ORDER TO COMBAT THE PROGRESSIVE DEPREDATIONS OF THIS FOULEST DAY OF CHRISTIAN MENDACITY AND ZOMBIE WORSHIP?

1.TAKE YOUR SNAKE FOR A WALK

THIS IS NOT A EUPHEMISM!!! MY PET SNAKE TRISMEGISTUS BECOMES ESPECIALLY FRISKY WHEN I TAKE OUT HIS STUDDED LEATHER WALKING COLLAR. HE WANTS TO SLITHER THIS TOWN INTO THE DUST OF ANCIENTS, AND STRANGLE WOMAN SO I CAN CONVINCE HER TO BE MY #DREAMWICCAN. HA! NOTHING SAYS “I AM UNCONCERNED OF YOUR DOMINEERING CHRISTIAN INDOCTRINATION RITES FOR WHICH UNTOLD MILLIONS HAVE MET ENDS OF GORE AND SUFFERING” THAN WALKING YOUR SNAKE PAST AN OPEN CHURCH DOOR WHILE WHISTLING A TRICKY LINE FROM #GORGOROTH. MAKE DAY OF IT, GO TO PARK AND MUTILATE BUGS, CUT A PENTAGRAM INTO A FLOWER BLOSSOM. IS MUCH TO HATE IN SPRINGSTIME. BRING MEAT.

2. CONTEMPLATE AND TABULATE YOUR TRANSGRESSION

WE ARE COMPLICIT IN THIS WORLD OF PAIN AND INFERIORITY. BY VIRTUE OF EXISTING WE NOT ONLY SUFFER BUT CONTRIBUTE TACITLY VIA CONSUMERIST AND GOVERNMENTAL ORGANS TO THE SUM SUFFERING OF THE COLD UNIVERSE. BUT JUST HOW MUCH PAIN AND MISERY ARE YOU CONTRIBUTING?! CALCULATE, COMPARE AND CONTRAST YOUR OWN SCORE TO SUM PAIN FROM THE SEED OF MEASTEROS. REALIZE THAT EVEN IN CREATING PAIN YOU ARE JUST A DROP IN A BLACK OCEAN, A SEE-SAWING LIQUID NAUSEATION DOOMED TO DIE ALONE.

3. PRACTICE TREMOLO PICKING

YOU ARE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. YOU PROBABLY COULD NOT KEEP UP WITH DAVID KORESH’S HOUSE BAND. YOU HAVE THE CHOPS OF MIDDLE SCHOOL PRAISE BAND. PRACTICE HARDER.

 

4. GO TO CHURCH, LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY, HAVE SANE RATIONAL CONVERSATION RESOLVING DIFFERENCES, COMING TO UNDERSTANDING, EVEN IF NOT AGREEMENT.

HAHAHAHAHA. FOOLED YOU! THERE IS NO ARGUING WITH ZOMBIES.

5. ART PROJECT.

WHO KNEW THAT PEEPS AND THAT TUPPERWARE OF PIGS BLOOD YOU’D FROZEN LAST YEAR WOULD MAKE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL POIGNANT COLLAGE FOR NEXT CASSEETTE COVER. YOU ARE MULTI-TALENTED AWW-TOOOR.

THAT IS ALL I HAVE FOR YOU INFERIORS. MAY THE BREATH OF MEASTEROS NEVER ILLUMINATE YOUR PURE BLACK SKIES.

HARD TONGUE KISSES AND ENDLESS HATRED,
DREXOPHILIOUS VASEKTOMY

Follow Drex on Twitter or, if you’re single, hit him up on OK Cupid! You can also e-mail him at drexsez AT gmail DOT com. 

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