Black Metal Brunch

BLACK METAL BRUNCH: THE MORE YOU HATE, THE STRONGER I BECOME

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HATE IS A SPIRITUAL FLUID. IT COLLECTS IN THE RAG WRAPPED TIGHT AROUND THE DRIPPING WARRIOR STUMP (#NOTAEUPHEMISM!!), AND PRESENTS ITSELF GREY, CHUNKED AND #HAIRYTANGLED ON THE BOTTOM OF A COMMON #SWIFFER®. HATE IS IN THE TREES AND THE AIR, SHITTING ON US FROM WOODY HEIGHTS, AND THEN INFECTING OUR AIRWAYS WITH CARCINOGENIC PARTICIBLES. HATE IS MY INTAKE AND MY EXCRETION, MY ALPHA AND OMEGA,  #STABFIGHTING (#NOTAEUPHEMISM!!) ATOP A MOUNTAIN OF SLAUGHTERED AND DISCARDED ALHPANUMERICS. #SUBSPECIEAETERNITATIS.

AND LO, I HAVE DISCOVERED A CURIOUS PROPERTY IN THIS TRUE COSMOLOGIC OF ENDURING CYCLICAL HATRED. AN ASPECT TRUE FOR #INFERIORS AND ALL OTHERS ALIKE: THE MORE THAT YOU HATE ME, THE STRONGER I BECOME.

 

FOR REASONS FOREVER BURIED IN OBSCURITY’S CRYPT,  THE GIRL CHILDREN ON MY BLOCK, WILL CROSS STREET TO AVOID WALKING PAST ME. BUT THE BOY CHILDREN ON MY BLOCK ARE NEITHER RESPECTFUL NOR FEARFUL OF #TREMOLOPICKING, #TRUEHATRED, #SKULLCOLLECTIONS, #BLOODCRUSTEDBATTLEVESTS,  #CRIESOFSLAUGHTEREDLIVESTOCKONSCHOOLNIGHTS, #HOMEMADECORPSEPAINT, #PETSNAKESWITHDRUGPROBLEMS,  MY PERSONAL #HYGIENICDEFICIENCIES, #WAFTINGSTENCHOFGRISTLEDBONE, #SIDEWALKSLICKWITHGOATGUT. THIS IS ESPECIALLY GALLBLADDERING FOR ME, SINCE THESE WERE THE TOKENS OF UTMOST-UBER-ULTRA-URBADASSERY WHEN I WAS #BOYMAN, STARVING IN A #TRUENORWEGIANSHACK UNDER A HORSE BLANKET THROUGH THE WINTERS OF CRUELTY. #KIDSTODAY. #NERDSNERDSSSNERDSSSSS!!

SO WHEN I GO TO FORAGE THROUGH TRASH WITH PETSNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS, THE TWEENS AND TEENS HEAPED THE ABUSE ON #DREX, LIKE YELLOW MUSTARD ON A MOLDY SUMMER’S #HOTDOG. THEIR LEADER, A WHISP MUSTACHED TURDLET SAID “HEY CLOWN, YEAH YOU—FUCKIN’ CLOWN. CAN YOU BLOW US A BALLOON? NO, SNAKES DON’T COUNT, YOU PERVY ASS #CLOWNBITCH. OH YOU’RE NOT A CLOWN? WELL, YOU SURE LOOK LIKE YOU CAN JUGGLE– #JUGGLETHEMDICKS! #OHHHHHHHHH! NAH, JUST FUCKING WITH YOU. #YOUCOOL #YOUCOOL. BUT SERIOUSLY WHERE THE POPCORN MACHINE? NOT LIKE MY STEPDAD WOULD LET A #RAGGEDYTRANNY SERVE ME POPCORN, BUT STILL. AND THAT SNAKE IS GAUNT AS SHIT! MAYBE LET HIM EAT SOME OF #THEMDICKS, #GREEDYCLOWNFUCK. OH WHAT IS THAT? YOU DUMB, JUST STAM-STAMMERING THERE LIKE A T-T-TARD. YOU CANADIAN OR SOMETHING? IMA CALL YOU #BOZO, BOZO MY CLOWN BITCH.”

A WAVE OF GIGGLES SWEPT THROUGH HIS GATHERED MINIONS, THROUGH THEIR BUCKTOOTHED PIMPLY GRINS, AND ACROSS THE LEASHES ON WHICH THREE HELD MUSCLED, FURY EYED DOGS. HIS CRUEL SORCERY HAD SILENCED ME. I FELT AS A RAW CANKER ABANDONED TO AGONIZE ON STEAMING CONCRETE. I CALLED ON #GORGOROTH FOR UNHOLY RAGE, BUT NONE CAME. INSTEAD I FELT A VIBRATION OF #SHAME RIPPLING THROUGH THE TOTALITY OF MY BEING. “YOU SAY YOU CAN’T JUGGLE #BOZO? WELL MAYBE YOU CAN CATCH.” AND THEN A FUSILLADE OF EGGS CRACKED ON MY BATTLEVEST. TERROR ENSUED. MY PET SNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS ALMOST BLINDED. I FLED BACK INTO MY APARTMENT, MY GARBAGE FORAGE POSTPONED BY AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE GUNKY YOLK OF #FAILURE AND #SHAME.

THERE I ENTERED INTO A STATE BLACKEST CONTEMPLATION.

AT BASE WE ARE ALL WORTHLESS #SKINMEATS UNWORTHY OF CARE AND RESPECT. YET IN THIS BIT OF SOCIAL SORCERY HITHERTO UNKNOWN TO ME, IT WAS AS IF THIS KID AND HIS ASSOCIATED PUBESCING MONGRELITES HAD SPELUNKLED DEEP INTO MY PSYCHIC CHASM, DISCOVERED MY LAST TEENSY #CORNNUT OF DIGNITY, AND #HAMMERSMASHED IT. #TRAGESTY WAS ON MY MIND, AND HATE COURSED THROUGH MY NONEXISTENT #HEARTSPACE. HATE WOULD BE MET WITH HATE. THESE KIDS WOULD RECEIVE A FULL SIPPY CUP OF MY #HATEJUICE, AND THEIR STOMACHS WOULD BURN WITH MY DISDAIN.

 

AT TIME, THE EXPRESSION OF IDEAL HATRED CAN TAKE FORMS UNOBVIOUS TO THE #INFERIOREYE.  A #POPCORN CART SEEMS THE PERQUISITE OF CIRKUS SNACKERY, A MERE CARNY’S SHACKLE, AND NOT A SUBLIME TOOL OF #NOBLEHATRED. BUT WHEN YOU ADD TO THE JOLLY POPPY-POP YOUR SNAKE’S OLD GROUND UP SKIN, AND COLOR THE BUTTER WITH HIS #STD (#SERPENTTRANSMITTEDDISEASE, HA! #ALSOEUPHEMISM) URINE, YOU HAVE IMMEDIATELY BEGAN TO CONTROL THE KNOBBY KNUCKLES OF HATRED’S UPPERHAND. SICK SNAKE URINE (#SSU) IS SAD SCIENCE’S ONLY KNOWN DIURETIC AND APHRODISIAC. THEN YOU WHISTLE SOME LINES FROM #EMPEROR, APOLOGIZE TO KIDS, BECAUSE –#NONEXISTENTGOD KNOWS, THE LITTLE FUCKS LUV POPCORN– AND LET NATURE’S SHAME AND A CERTAIN NORWEGIAN’S HATE TAKE ITS COURSE.

I PLAYED HATE COOL LIKE #MILESDAVIS SOLO 0N #HOTH:

“OH YES, VERY SORRY. YOU RIGHT, I AM SIMPLE CLOWN, NOT REALIZE HOW FUNNY AND DIFFERENT I AM TO YOU [[DIFFERENT ENOUGH TO KNOWINGLY SCAR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS]], HAVE THIS TOKENARY POPCORN [[YOU PUBERTIZING TAINT SMEAR]]. MYMY, WHAT ADULT MUSTACHIO YOU HAVE GUY! [[MY #CHESTHAIR #ARRIORPELT COULD STRANGLE YOU AND INSEMMINATE YOUR MOM IN LESS THAN ONE #EMPEROR SYNTH INTERLUDE]] YES, THAT VERY FUNNY, I A LAD ONCE TOO.”

SOON KIDS MOANING ON STREET. FURY DOGS HUMPING THEM. SHIT LEAKING. #OHNO! IS THAT PUBLIC BONERS TOO! GIRLS FROM YOUR #LOWPERFORMING MIDDLESCHOOL INVITED FOR BLOCKPARTYDANCE? #OHNO, YOU ARE #BONERING IN FRONT OF THEM? THEY ARE DISGUSTED, BUT YOU HEAR THEM JOKE REGARDING YOUR PENILE SIZE YOU 13 YEAR OLD MUSTACHIOED PIECE OF HUMAN TRASH. #OHNO! POLICE CALLED. PUBLIC EXPOSURE REPORT. TEENS ON DRUGS. #OHNO! SHITTING AND CRYING IN BACK OF COP CAR, WHILE COP HEARS DESCRIPTION OF YOUR SHITTY JUNK YOUR FROM YOUR FIRST CRUSH. #OHNO! MAYBE NEXT TIME RESPECT #ELDERDREX, FOR HE KNOWS A TRUTH OF HIMSELF: THE MORE THAT YOU HATE ME, THE STRONGER I BECOME.

-DV

Follow Drex on Twitter or, if you’re single, hit him up on OK Cupid! You can also e-mail him at drexsez AT gmail DOT com. 

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