Black Metal Brunch

BLACK METAL BRUNCH: A VERY DREX FIRST DATE

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I CAN THINK OF NOTHING MORE SAPPING OF A WARRIOR’S ABILITY TO STEW IN THE BLACK SWIRLING JUICE OF HIS OWN DESPAIR, OR MORE DELETERIATIVE OF HIS SACRAL STORE OF ICK ACIDIC #HATEJUICE, THAN THE CARE AND MAINTENANCE OF A CHILD. IF I WANTED A FLUID DRIPPING BAG TO TAKE EVERYWHERE, I’D GROW A GOITER, OR APPLY TO THE PROPER AUTHORITIES FOR THE #RELATIVECONVENIENCE OF A #COLOSTOMYBAG. YES YOU HEARD #CORRECTAMUNDO (#DIDISTUTTER?), I WOULD RATHER MY #GUTLERY WERE REPLACED BY POLYUERETHANE TUBING TO USHER MY #TR00NORWEGIAN #CRAPPLES INTO THIS #FECALSPHERE OF A WORLD THAN DONATE MY #ROCKANDROLLGAMETE TO THE LOSER’S GAME OF #CONCEPTION. BABIES #AMPLIFY THE MEANINGLESS OF ALL EXISTENCE, WHILE BINDING YOU FURTHER TO ITS DRUDGERY. #INFERIOR #DISGUSTING #NOTUNTILIAMMFINANCIALLYSTABLE.

BUT– OH, YOU COME FROM LARGE #MIDWESTERNFAMILY? #CLOSEFAMILYVALUES? YOU WANT TO BE #PREGNANTBY32? DON’T WANT TO BE OLD MOTHER? [#TRIPLEGULP FROM BEER AT EMPTYISH WEEKNIGHTBAR]  OH YES, WISDOM GLEAMS FROM YOUR BEDAZZLED WORDS. I #AGREE #AGREE #AGREE AND NOD AND NOD FOR REASONS BECAUSE OF THIS VERY TRUE AGREEMENT, AND NOT AT ALL IN RELATION TO PERSONAL CONCESSIONS PROPELLED BY #SEXUALDEPRIVATION. #DREXDOTHPROTESTJUSTENOUGH #SHAKESPEAREFORTHEDUMBEST.

I EXAGGERATE. HA…HA… IN #EXOTIC #SEXUALLYALLURING NORWAY, WHERE I AM FROM, AND WHOSE ASPECTS I EXHIBIT FUNDAMENTALLY, WE HAVE A LORE DERIVED SAYING: #DIFFERENTSTROKES: SOME LEAD TO MEDALS, OTHERS TO #WATERYDEATHS. BUT NO, NO, AGAIN, I AM REALLY ALL FOR THIS #AMERICANDREAMFAMILY CONCEPTUALIZATION. I SEE IT IN THE SOFTNESS OF YOUR FEMININE ARM FUR. NO, DON’T TAKE THAT FURRY ARM OUT OF THIS CANDLE’S CHEAP AND –YOU MUST ADMIT- INCREASINGLY SENSUAL LIGHT, BECAUSE IN YOUR WAVING FOREARM FUR I FORESEE OUR FUTURE AS #NORMALAMERICANFAMILY.

IN SERIOUSLY, I VERY MUCH DESIRE TO SETTLE DOWN, INSERT A FAMILY. THINK ABOUT IT #LAURA: #APPLEPIE BETWEEN OUR TOES, THE FLAGS DRAPING OUR GENITALS AS WE BLUDGEON THE EFFIGY OF THE OUTLANDERS ON ARMISTICE DAY. A GUN FOR EVERY CABINET, A HEARTH WARMED BY THE CRINKLED FUSS PAGES OF FOREIGN BOOKS. A #PATCHWORK QUILT FOR THE LIL BABES IN THEIR SHED OUTSIDE, STITCHED WITH #INDIAN SCALPS. #TRADITION, #ROUTINE, #REPRESSION, #CONFORMITY, #AMERICA. GIVE IT TO ME LIKE A BULLET THROUGH ALL THE THINKING AND FEELING PARTS OF MY BRAIN.

BUT HA, OH YES, FAMILY IS VERY SERIOUS THING TO THINK. ONLY WHEN READY. PARENTHOOD IS JUST OVER A HORIZON THAT IS NOT IN FACT SPIKED WITH THE HEADS OF FREEDOM AND DIGNITY AGAINST A RUEFUL CRIMSON SUN, IT ONLY †**SEEMS**†  THAT WAY BECAUSE I AM NOT YET READY. [#LADYTALKING AND DREX GESTURING TO SAY: OH YEAH, I AGREE #LAURA YOU ARE VERY SMART MATURE ATTRACTIVE WORTHY] BUT YES, UNTIL THAT MOMENT, ONLY #BABYTALK I HAVE TO SAY TO BABY IS #STAYAWAY BABY! HA! OR #GOOGOO #GAGGA BABY, YOUR INABILITY TO CLEAN YOUR FILTH OFF OF YOURSELF DISGSUTS ME. HA! HA! OR#HEYBABY, IN #NORWAY, WHERE I AM FROM, WE PUT YOUR AMERICAN ABORTIONAL PROTOCOL TO #SHAMEFILLEDNESS! HA! MY MOTHER USED TO TELL ME THAT ABORTION IS LEGAL THROUGH THE FIRST 12 YEARS OF A CHILD’S LIFE IN #NORWAY, AND IF I DID NOT #DOTHEDISHES, #DUSTHERLIQUORBOTTLES, #CLEANHERWHORESHEETS, #BALETHEHORSEYHAY OR #STOPCRYING, THAT MY #NORSKPROVISIONAL #LIFELISCENSE COULD BE REVOKED BY ANY ADULT. #HAHA. SHE WAS REAL TRICKSTER, MY MOTHER , AND IN NO WAY THE SICKEST ROOT OF A #TREENAMEDDREX WHO BEARS A FRUIT NAMED #HATE FROM THE BRANCHES OF HIS BURDEN.

[A THICK PASTE OF SILENCE, A CRICKETY FUNERALIUM]

WOW, LAURA, YOUR HAIR LOOKS VERY VERY SOFT. LIKE THE HAY IN THE FARM I RETREATED TO ON MY TENTH BIRTHDAY AFTER MY MOM THREATENED TO ABORT ME.

[AN EXASPERATED LADY LOOK]

AND, UHHH, WHAT ABOUT YOU? HERE I TALK SO MUCH ABOUT MY OWN NORMAL NOT WEIRD LIFE THAT YOU COULD BE A PART OF FOR NIGHT IF YOU WANT (NO PRESSURE). TELL ME OF YOUR FAMILY, THEY SEEMS VERY HAPPY IN ALL THE PICTURES. WHAT PICTURES? HAHA. RIGHT FIRST DATE. WELL, THE PICTURES IN MY HEAD SILLY. [AN ARM FURRED OVER IN BEAUTY TURNS ITS WATCH UP] WHAT PICTURES COULD I HAVE SEEN OF YOUR HAPPY FAMILY? NO, NO, I DID NOT SPY. BUT INTERNET DATING IS NOT SAFE. REALLY A LOT OF SICKOS OUT THERE. A COMPLETE INTERNET SEARCH BY #COMPUTERRESEARCH EXPERT AND #PETSNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS IS  ONLY WAY I CAN FEEL SAFE MEETING STRANGER. BUT I NEVER AGREED TO GO OUT WITH YOU?  I’M JUST A STRANGER WHO SAT NEXT TO YOU AND STARTED TALKING ABOUT FAMILY, AND YOU JUST LET ME STAY BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WAS HARMLESS? OH, NOW YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE? STOP HARASSING **YOU**? OH YEAH, LIKE I’M SCARED ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE DOESN’T GET OFF WORK FOR AN HOUR ANYWAY. LAURA. #ZOMBIEJESUS, I’M OUT OF HERE. YOU SURE HAVE A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT DATING.

-DV

Follow Drex on Twitter or, if you’re single, hit him up on OK Cupid! You can also e-mail him at drexsez AT gmail DOT com. 

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