Black Metal Brunch

Black Metal Brunch: Holidays with Drex

0

A #RAGWRAPPED #POTENTIALCUSTOMER QUAVERS: ABOUT THE KNEES LATERALLY, ABOUT THE LOWER THORACIC IN AN IRREGULAR PARABOLA, ABOUT THE SHOULDER BLADES AND TENDONS IN FRICTIVE VERTICAL JERKS. SOME #GHOSTTHUMB PRESSES FIRM AT THE NAPE OF HIS NECK, BOWING THE HEAD AT AN ANGLE #SIMIAN, #PRIMATE-IVE. [[maybe he has a gun, could or could not have a gun, not totally clear, but probably has a gun, i am afraid that he could have a gun]] HIS FINGER, #YEASTMUCKED AT THE MANUAL SOCKET AND #FLAKYCHALKED AT THE EXTREMITY POINTS TO A MASON® JAR BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A #CHRISTFORSAKEN CORNER OF THE #UNIONSQUARE #HOLIDAYMARKET[[ i dont think he has a gun, but i should get a gun in the case he or others hims might have a gun]]. THE JAR, CONTAINING A GELATINOUS COLLOIDAL MASS, GLEAMS A SOURING SUCROSE SMILE REFLECTED FROM THE #FESTIVE HANGING BULBS AS THE CUSTOMER FISHES FOR A #COUPLATWENTIES AND FLINGS THEM, CRUMPLED AND TRAUMATIZED, ON THE BOOTH’S BUTCHER STINKING COUNTER. HE HOOKS THE JAR IN HIS STUBBY #JITTERHANDS AND EXHALES A SUMMER SEWER’S GUST OF RELIEF.  [[take your gun elsewhere, maybe, if you indeed have a gun, which is possible]]

BEHIND THE TABLE OF WARES, DRAPED IN MY #BATTLECONDIMENT #APRON, I, DREX, SPEAK TRIUMPHANT: ANOTHER #SATISFACTED #CONSUMESTOMER! [[i should keep a gun back here, every american business owner  needs a chicken in the pot and a gun in every cabinet, and special guns to protect your gun cabinets]]

GETTING GREAT #RECEPTION, #PR, #CUSTOMERFEEDBACK TOO! PASSERSBY MY #ALLURINGBUTNOTOVERBEARING #JELLYJAM AND #ARTISANALPRESERVE DISPLAY COUNTER REFUSE EYECONTACT WITH #DREXTHEPROPRIETOR, HOLDING NOSES PINCHED BETWEEN THEIR #CUTESY GLOVED FINGERLINGS [[is it harder to pull a trigger with gloves on? please please please]]. THEIR LEASHED DOGS BARK WILD ABANDON THEIR PROGRAMMED CONTINENCE FORTHWITH, AND RUSH HEADLONG INTO TRAFFIC [[can dogs carry guns?]]. VIRGIN NOSES SPRING CRIMSON[[do intact hymens sharpen the aimorial senses? no no please no]]. FAMILIAL JOY OSSIFIES AND EXPLODES INTO DUST. AND HOLIDAY PARENTS CLUTCH THEIR BABYBEBJORN’ED TYKES AS THEY BREAK INTO THE CHORUS OF YOUNG SUFFERING’S SONG AT MY WARES’ MEREST OLFACTORAL HINT.[[i don’t want a crying baby shooting me, maybe I should get a gun]] #SEASONSSMELLINGS

THESE PEOPLE MUTTER IN THEIR #CONSUMERCULTCHRISTMAS FINERY ABOUT #THATUNGODLYSMELL IN THOSE #STINKINGJARSOFMUCK, AND SPEAK OF THE #LACKOFOVERSIGHT BY PROPER #SANITATIONAUTHORITIES [[good good, acknowledgement of empowered bureaucratic authorities by inferiors makes them less likely to have a gun]]. INWARDLY I BROOD ON THE HYPOCRISES OF THOSE WHO WOULD DEMAND #FDA OVERSIGHT OVER MY #GRUESOME #TREATS (#RANDPAUL2K16 [[maybe not]]), AND PRAY TO A FALSE GOD EXCRETED IN A BARN HOVEL. #IFEEL LIKE I WANT TO SHOUT “LOOK #CHRISTLOVERS, YOUR BABY GOD WAS PLOPPLED OUT IN STRAW AND SHIT, YOU THINK THE OX IN THERE WAS #BOARDCERTIFIED O.B.G.Y.N.? #HYGIENE WAS INVENTED BY #WALMART® TO SELL YOU #INFERIORS TOWELS.” [[if i thought I might be shot I wouldn’t want to yell this]] YET I COIL MY TONGUE’S MOST STINGING LASHES, FOR I KNOW THE #BUSINESSSECRETS OF #THEPHAROAHS. LESSON ONE? CUSTOMER #CONTEMPT MUST BE #SUBLIMATED, INTO #CUSTOMERSERVICE [[i will do anything just don’t shoot me]].  THE †**”VIRGIN”**† BIRTH (#HAHA #LOLS #LOLICRY #MERELOLICRY ETC.) OF THE #FALSECHRIST IS AN IDEAL OPPORTUNITY FOR #TR00HOLIDAYPROFITS.

SO INSTEAD, I SOOTHE AND APPEASE THESE GROUSING, JACKET PUFFED #HOLIDALIENS [[lots of room for guns in the jackets]] WITH MY KEEN INTELLECT IMPELLED TOWARDS THE GOAL OF FULLFORCE #SALESPITCH EXPRESSION.

AND SAYS I: PLEASE, #VOLKS, COME ON DOWN TO DREXIPHILIOUS F. VASEKTOMY’S ARTISANAL #JELLY, #JAMS, AND #PRESERVES SHACK, AT THE #VVORLDFAMOUS #UNIONSQUARE #HOLIDAYMARKET! [[but please don’t bring any guns]] USING #TIMETESTED METHODS OF PROCUREMENT AND FABRICATION [[non gun based]], WE HAVE CREATED THE JELLIED SPREADS TO MAKE YOUR DRY MORNING #TOASTE FLUSH ITS OROFICES IN SURPISICAL DELIGHT!  DECADENT EPICUREAN DELICACY KNOWS NO MORAL BOUNDARY, SO WHY NOT SPREAD THE ULTIMATE TRANSGRESSION ON A CRISPY CRACKER?! [[good option, superior to shooting it into children]]

MY #SWEET AND #SAVORY JAMS AND PRESERVES COME IN AS MANY FLAVORS AS THERE ARE REASONS TO QUESTION THE #VIRGINBIRTH. OVER HERE WE HAVE #BIGSELLER #SPIDERMILK #CHUTNEY. ONLY FOR THE MOST DISCERNING PALATES! BIG HIT WITH THE LADIES. WHY NOT ADD A TOUCH O CLASS, A LEETLE HINT OF LACTOSE LADEN VENOM TO A HEARTY #SOUTHWESTERN #STEW? #NOTGONNALIE, SOME SPIDERS HURT IN THE #ORGANIC, #FAIRTRADE PROCESS, [[no guns used]] BUT WE THINK YOU’LL AGREE, THE RITUAL DISMEMBERMENT OF FIVE THOUSAND ARACHNIDS HAS NOTHING ON THE #SENSUAL #PLEASURE OF SPREADING A HEALTHY DOLLOP OF SPICED SPIDER MILK CHUTNEY ON A SCONE STILL STEAMING FROM THE OVEN! #YOUDESERVETHEBEST #PAGINGGENESIMMONS #FRANCHISEOPPORTUNITY

AND HERE, WE HAVE THE NUMBER #2 SELLER, A CONCOCTION ONLY FOR THE MOST DISCERNERING PALATES! WE CALL IT #MIXEDGLAND #MELANGE. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT’S MADE OUT OF, AND THAT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE. THINK OF IT AS A ROLLICKING #XMAS #OFFICEPARTY OF #YORE WHERE ALL YOUR OLD FRIENDS LIKE BOBBY #LYMPH, PARMA #PITUITARY, OLD BETTY #THYROID, AND CHUCKY #THALMUS ARE #XEROXING THEIR BUTTOCKS, AND SEXUALLY HARRASSING EACH OTHER UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF #BEBOOZLED #OFFICENOG, UNTIL THE CUBICLE WALLS AND THEIR MOUTH PUCKERING LITTLE FLUID PLUMP BODIES ARE SUMMARILY SMASHED BY A GIANT FIST[[**not** a gun]], SMEARED WITH A #SEASONAL MIX OF #PLEASURE AND #DISDAIN, LOVINGLY MACERATED WITH MORTAR AND PESTLE, AND LEFT IN AN OPEN STONE URN TO MATURE THROUGH EIGHT SEASONS. COMES IN FLAVORS #CHUNKY AND #TOENAILS. [[gun free]]

BUT YOU SIR, YOU OF MOSTEST #DISCERNERINGERING PALATE [[hopefully without a gun]], GIVE ME A SECOND TO PRY OPEN THE SARCOPHAGUS AND RETRIEVE THAT LIPSMACKING SPREAD THAT GOES BY MANY NAMES: #SAMAELSAUCE #LUCIFERLEMONLUBE #BEELZEBUBBARNACLEBRINE #BELIALBROTH  #APOLLYONPUCKERPARFAIT #WICKEDONESWANTONJUICE #THETEMPTERSTRAIFMUCK ETC.

GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON GIFT TIME! CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF THE ABOMINABLE LIE WITH A JAR OF DISGUST! MY BUSINESS PARTNER AND #PETSNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS, WE DO IT ALL OURSELVES. WE ARE A #SMALLBUSINESSMAN/SNAKE OPERATED COMPANY, #MADEINAMERICAN. #LIVINGTHEDREAM. #IMMIGRANTTRIUMPH. WE WORK WITH OUR #SWEAT, #BLOOD, #TEARS, #HAIR, TO GIVE YOU THE #PERFECTGIFT. WE VOMITED OUR LAST OUNCE OF EFFORT, AND OUR LAST OUNCE OF VOMIT INTO THESE #MASONJARS IN ORDER TO BE SUCCESSFUL #ENTREPANOORS. SO PLEASE BUY UP. OUR CHRISTMAS DREAM IS HEAVILY LEVERAGED THROUGH COMPLEX FINANCIAL INSTRUMENTATION. A LOT OF #STARTUP COSTS. #INCIDENTALS. REALLY IMPORTANT THAT WE PAY BACK THE #BANKOFFALSEDREAMS AND #INFLATEDEXPECTATIONS. PET SNAKE #TRISMEGISTUS VERY EDGY, SAYS THIS IS “MY LASSSSsssssT SHOT AT sssssssSSSSSlITHERING MY WAY UP sssssSSSSSocioECONOMIC LADDERssss” WE HAVE EMBRACED OUR #WILLTOSUCCEED, WE ARE #ARTISANAL #CREATIVES, OUR EFFORT DESERVES RECOGNITION, AND YOU DESERVE THE DELICIOUS TASTE OF OUR TORMENT.

IT IS THE SEASON OF GIVING, SO GIVE YOURSELF THE WORST. [[like a gun, or just get married to a gun, have shotgun wedding, and give birth to a tiny gun. take your gun son for shooting lessons. lobby so guns will replace books in the schools, where all classes will be taught at gun point. lobby to turn schools into large guns, and make diplomas into target practice. through all this don’t forget to keep praying, to a false god in clouds that look like they were created from the shooting of a divine rifle, that assassinated sense, built its castle on hope’s bones, and installed itself chief long ago]]

 

 

Show Comments
Metal Sucks Greatest Hits