What the...??

Japanese Metal Vocalist Endorses Tenga’s Deep Throat Cup for Masturbatory Pleasure

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A couple of years ago, Vince spotlighted an extremely weird, but actually quite good, reader-recommended band from Japan called Maximum the Hormone. And I guess the moniker is more appropriate than we ever knew, because now their front man, who goes by the name “Maximum the Ryo-kun,” is a celebrity (or, uh, “celebrity”) endorser of Tenga products. And don’t be ashamed if you don’t know what Tenga products are, ’cause neither did I. But they’re basically artificial vaginas guys can fuck. Y’know, if you’re too good to masturbate with your hand the way men have been doing for millions of years, and you feel the need to keep a cum-crusted cylinder somewhere in your home.

Tenga’s self-description on their website, of course, is far funnier:

In an interview that contains entirely too many “lol”s given the subject matter, Maximum the Ryo-kun talks about the joys of making love to himself:

Your music is highly charged and energetic; I guess your masturbation is the same?
The exact opposite – it’s like doom rock, complete downers man (lol). For example when I had one of those “chance-days” when I’m home alone, I think of a manga I read once that depicted a character going insane from a constant drip of water on his forehead. I then apply that to my masturbation technique; in a consistent, constant rhythm I drop pieces of tissue paper on my dick. That’s it… Just as I think I’m about to go crazy, a weird switch goes off in my head and I got the biggest boner! It ended up getting really ticklish in the end, and I didn’t cum – in fact for the first time in my life, I squirted like a girl! (LOL)

-(LOL) Don’t tell me your masturbation is like that when you’re writing lyrics for your songs too?!
When I’m making music, I’m out in the mountains, alone – just instruments and my laptop. Oh, I don’t make music on my laptop by the way; they’re packed full of porn though! I don’t smoke, so when most people will pull out a cigarette for a little break, I just “pull one out”!

Wow, that was informative! In America, we say “rub one out.” Cultural differences are so fascinating, aren’t they?

ANYWAY, in case you’re wondering, Tenga makes a variety of models, but the one Maximum the Ryo-kun seems to favor is called the “Deep Throat Cup”… or, for some reason, the “U.S. Tenga.” It’s described thusly:

The Ultra Size and Super Vacuum “U.S.” TENGA range are designed for both larger men or those who prefer a less tightened sensation. Enjoy your freedom to insert deeper than ever with an even stronger vacuum sensation!

Why is this associated with a particular nationality? Are they saying that only American women deepthroat (which I guess would be a compliment…?), or are they implying that American women have looser vaginas than Japanese women? It seems like it’s the latter, doesn’t it? Jesus Christ, American women. Way to let the Japanese overtake us in yet another industry. I guess that Kegels for Idiots book I got you for Christmas has gone to waste.

You can learn more about Tenga products here. There’s even a hilarious video in which, detailing the different models of Tenga, the announcer declares, “I want to be more firmly sucked!” Unless you wanna get fired, though, I wouldn’t do look at it at work. Not all of Tenga’s fuck sleeves are as innocent looking as the Deep Throat Cup.

On a side note, someday I’d like to write a book called Everyone Masturbates. Y’know. For kids.

Thanks to Alliaphagist, who told us about this, and who told us, ” don’t ask how I stumbled on this.” We know how you stumbled on it, dude. Eeeeeeeeeewwwww.

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